To be pissed off at gloating childless friend??

[lill72]

So caught up with a friend who has chosen to have no children but after I sort if told her a bit about my stress with my DC and lack of sleep Im getting etc, she proceeded to tell me how she has lots of time, is not stressed, is financially fine and has her health..Basically life is good. Oh and she goes on about her trip to here a d trip to thete and how good it was.

Whilst I don't begrudge anyone any of the above, I guess maybe a little sensitivity is required perhaps when I've just been telling her I've been having a shit time for a variety of reasons and that life is tough at the ment with two young kids?

I just feel she is a bit socially inept and a bit of self effacing behaviour would go a long way..I feel im.very sensitive to this type of stuff - ie I won't bang on.about a holiday when I know a friend can't afford to go on.one. I'll wait to be be asked about it and then give minimal detail. If another friend has too been on holiday we discuss it more.

This gloating especially about money gets me. Her partner earns a lot so she is costing away and just gloats.

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live or is she socially inept? I really don't know where to go from here...

i suppose you've talked all about your life right now being the stress baby child tiredness etc.and then when the convo turn to her to say her happenings what can she say?she cant lie.shes only doing what you have and telling you what happening in her life?
of course only you know if there is an undertone...

it is so annoying women who moan about their choice, yes it was your choice to have a child. This is not the 1800's there is something called contraception

yes there are circumstances such as contraception not working or a woman being raped, i am not talking on those situations.

unless of the above nobody forced you to have a child. You choose to and their are many years of women saying how hard it is looking after another human being.

So no there is no sympathy and you should be pissed off at yourself because it is your own fault you are stressed out because it was your choice now deal with it because you cannot take it back now.

I don't think the OP's complaint is really to do with children/being child-free at all.

She's upset because she would've appreciated a bit of empathy from her friend about problems she's dealing with at the moment (doesn't matter what they are, they could have been financial problems, health, whatever) and her friend didn't offer any. Instead, she talked about all the nice things she was doing!

No one wants to sit and listen to people moaning all the time, but lending a sympathetic ear and being kind IS part of being a close friend. I've done it for good friends and they do it for me sometimes.

OP, I think you have to accept that she isn't a close friend whom you can confide in, she's a casual friend who's perhaps fun to hang out with occasionally - don't bother confiding in her, she doesn't want to know.

I've also found that while many parents (myself included) constantly talk about their kids for a while, it's a passing phase that fades after a while...perhaps we start boring ourselves, who knows.

Thankfully DH and I have survived and turned back into multi-dimensional people who travel, socialise, play sports...and now only mention our DC when asked (or if we're with other parents who really want to talk about their children.

I can understand how you feel. I have had a few rough times myself and had some poor and great friends over the years.

I let one friendship die because I could no longer stand their meaness with both time and money. I had supported this person though a few tough years and when I finally bought my own home it took them months to call with a present. This person works a few miles away from me and arrived with a really cheap present despite me having given them expensive presents for both house warming s and their wedding.

I have another friend who has a few children and one with sn. It is not always easy for her to meet me but we still keep in contact with each other. We go places when her kids are in school and plan days out every few months. Even though our lives are different we can say honestly if things are good or bad in our lives. It is very hard when your life is difficult due to any number of reasons but always hearing about how great someone else's life is hard to take.
I also think that some people just seem to have no idea that other people are struggling due to any number of reasons. I know people who will avoid other people when they know the other person is having a hard time.
If your finding your friend hard going at the moment just stop making as much effort for her. Met her over Xmas if you have time and arrange to met her when you feeling a bit better.

OP, when I read this:

”I told her about my tiredness because she asked!”

my heart sank. I can see that you are finding life difficult at the moment but trust me, there is NOTHING duller than hearing somebody go on about how tired they are. What are you supposed to say in response? “Oh dear”?

I can’t believe that your friend said, “please tell me ALL about your tiredness. Spare no detail.” Was it really, “how are you?”. Tip: unless you’ve been diagnosed with something serious, the correct answer is “fine, thanks!”

Using social time to complain about how tired you are is just selfish, I’m afraid. Every working adult (and yes, I include full time parents) is tired. How boring it would be if everyone talked about it!

I assume that your friend tried to change the subject but got a bit boasty by mistake in her keenness to avoid listening to “I’m so tired because X, Y and Z”. Conversation is a two way street, you know!

Peri meno can be really shit and menopause is not much discussed in RL unfortunately.

Have you tried the menopause boards on mumsnet OP?

There was a BBC documentary last week with Mariella Frostrup thats still on iplayer.

AmICrazyorwhat - yes you've summed it up in.a nutshell. It had nothing to do with children - Gosh people I wasn't moaning about them! I love them!

Is anyone actually getting this - a few.

I am.having a hard time for lots of reasons - i wont go into all but husband has depression etc. Young children add to the stress but I was not moaning about them.

guess I wanted a sympathetic ear for a minute and All I really got was someone telling me literally in.these words how lucky they are! Give over! so would never bang on like this.

I have been on lovely holidays this year too and I don't bang on about them.amd how lucky I am..I don't go on about how good things are in.those words!

The conversation was only for a bit about my bad stuff - most of the brunch was other stuff.

Guess she does not have the ear for empathy and to be honest I'd rather hang round other mums who are on.the same
page.

Funny how the ‘few’ people ‘getting it’ are those saying, “poor you!”

I think a good friend should just have been a sympathetic ear while you unburdened your problems. It wasn't the time to start talking about her own different topics.

As someone who is childfree, I wonder if your friend automatically went into 'heading off child-talk' mode, without realising this wasn't appropriate. People with children often bring conversations round to child-talk very quickly, leaving the childfree person with little to say. If this is the case, you should try not to take it too personally. Your friend has been insensitive, but possibly because she's used to having to protect her own ability to be part of conversations, and didn't take the time to 'step back' and think 'I just need to listen here because lill is having a hard time'.

Hoping you get through this stressful time soon, OP.

Oh FFS, so you basically consider any conversation/interaction with friends is only acceptable if you are allowed unlimited whining time? Because you 'don't go on about' anything good in your life? I expect she's already decided to distance herself from you.

If you find you are losing a lot of friends, please bear in mind that no one likes persistent whiners. Especially persistent whiners who refuse to accept that anyone else has anything to be unhappy about, and that the whiner is the only person in the world in need of endless sympathy and attention, because no one else has ever suffered so much (from perfectly normal crap times like being a bit ill or a bit tired or a bit skint).

She asked you how you were, she “told” you about how she was ... and you talked about other stuff?

I agree with @RavenLG, this sounds like a perfectly normal conversation. She probably told you about her life in similar detail and length to you telling her about your life, but she was telling a positive story and you felt it was boasting.

A friend said something to me and I was I tears for the rest if tyat day and the following

This does not sound normal. You shouldn't have to put up with feeling like this. Are you getting help for it?

I am getting help for my low moods as it is menopausal and im.truing different meds.

Animated- you are so far off the mark it is not funny.

Do you know my friend never cares really about my holidays etc either - she just likes to compete with her holidays
She is the one outing photos of look at me look at me on Facebook
.She doesn't take much of an interest really and it really is down to her being socially awkward and inept. So think that is where it is at..She is also very harsh.Like when we are out when she wants to leave we all have to leave

Do you know my friend never cares really about my holidays etc either - she just likes to compete with her holidays
She is the one outing photos of look at me look at me on Facebook
She doesn't take much of an interest really and it really is down to her being socially awkward and inept. So think that is where it is at..She is also very harsh.Like when we are out when she wants to leave we all have to leave

So why do you spend time with her? You clearly don't like her, and if the above is accurate then she's not a very nice person. So why invest time and energy in this?

@lill72 in one sentence you say this is not really to do with whether she has children or not, yet you then say 'to be honest I'd rather hang round other MUMS who are on.the same
page.'

You are associating having empathy with being a mum. This has nothing to do with being a mum or not.

You wanted to offload all your issues and have someone sit there and listen to you talk about you.

That's what counsellors are for.

You don't sound matched at all. Whether your lives are going in increasing divergent directions or one or the other of you manages to piss the other off - who knows.... But you really don't sound like you like her much - I don't recall one thing you've said on the thread about what you treasure in her so am not sure its worth the effort for either of you to be honest.

OP, you simply sound as if you don't like her, and interpret her ordinary conversation about what's been going on in her life as 'gloating'.

Can I also point out that the menopause isn't only experienced by those women who have had children, and that at 55 she will have experienced or be experiencing it, too? You aren't the only one in the friendship who has undergone this.

Having said that, I do know what you mean -- there are some people whose ordinary conversational style is tuned to a permanent appearance of self-satisfaction, from small things to large, and it can be enormously irritating. I have a colleague in another department whose idea of a normal exchange is why she has managed to do or find or manage something (anything from a mortgage to a mobile phone contract to a research trip) more efficiently and intelligently than everyone else, and I find her profoundly annoying, though I put it down to her being young, not socially intelligent, and not a native speaker of English.

But she is a colleague I have hardly anything to do with -- I wouldn't choose to spend ten minutes with her of my own volition. If your friend defaults to 'all-purpose gloat', perhaps time to minimise contact.

I have no kids. One of my best friends has two little ones and I see her regularly. I am fully aware how hard her life is at the moment and have full sympathy. She can moan away and I am willing to listen endlessly.

However if she asks how I am going then I am not going to tell her life is shit when it is in fact pretty bloody easy in terms of having plenty of sleep and having enough money and being able to go on holiday. I can tell her my life is nice and I am doing nice things while still being there for her and understanding how she is doing it tough at the moment. I don't rub it in but I just tell her the truth about what I am up to. She continues to ask and tell me she wants all the details so she can live vicariously through me.

Similarly when I am feeling a bit shit about being single and having a lack of a nice family and hating being at work all the time she can tell me lovely family things and snuggles and the kids being cute and I am both pleased for her and very happy to listen (if a little envious!)

We both recognise that the hard bit isn't forever. But we also both recognise that we have made certain choices in life and they both have their challenges and their rewards

It is boring and frustrating to hear people moan - or even talk at length - about normal life stages.

A cheerful, "Gosh, the hot flushes! What a nightmare!" would go down better and might encourage the other party to enter into a conversation rather than "I've been waking up at 2am for weeks and I can't get back to sleep and then I feel tired and so I can't function and I'm so stressed and fed up and and and...." whilst the other person zones out.

Agree that childless (choice or not) people must have to develop a defence mechanism against sympathetic comments. I recently met a woman for the first time who started, "I don't have children and I'm not interested in them so please don't talk about yours." Luckily for her I never drone on about the dcs. Unluckily for her I do drone on about dogs, which she then proceeded to tell me she doesn't like either

OP I’m sorry but YABU

And I think - from your OP and later comments that you are just quite a sensitive soul. It sounds to me like your friend is contrasting the two lives. You chose to have children and she did not. You told her what a pants time you were having and she told you about the trips she had planned and how her life was good. Do you expect someone else to mirror your mood or a lunch catch up? Is your friend not allowed to be ok and positive just because you are not?

Don’t underestimate how much society questions her choice not to reproduce. I’ve heard numerous Childless friends get ‘oh that’s such a shame (sympathetic look)’ in response to saying they don’t have kids!

So you expecting her not to ‘gloat’ about how good her life is right now is exactly the same as her starting your meeting with ‘can you not talk about your kids this entire time because I don’t really want to sit here listening to you gloat about your family life’

🤔 and I bet you are quite vocal about your kids when things are good and you’re brimming with pride! We all do it! But you just won’t think of that as ‘gloating’ and doubt you’ll give a second thought to being ‘sensitive’ to her questioning her life choices!

So basically you wanted someone to listen and she wasn’t there for you to do that.

Tbh for what you said, I think you need to go and see yoUr GP both for the menopausal symptoms and for the depression/low mood.
Your friend can’t really do anything about that.

My experience is also that people don’t always hear what you thought you had said (or what you HAD actually said!!). What you hear depends a lot about what you had in your mind at the time too.
Eg her taking about her trip/holidays might well have been an attempt to distract you from all the stresses you have.

After that, if you want to reassess the friendship, then do so on what has happened over several months. And look at links. Have you started to find her too much since you started getting menopausal symptoms and be much more down than usual for example. Has she always been quiet self centred but you sort of accepted befire but not now? Be careful about rewriting the past too.

Because atm what I see from your posts is someone who is really down because of some life events (husband, children, menopause, low mood etc etc) and someone who is happy with their life an talked about her life the same way you talked about yours.
There is no doubt your found it hard to hear she is doing well atm. And I suspect you would have found it easier to listen if she had said she is struggling too. But is that gloating? Being insensitive? Or just being in a different place than you?
Are people who are happy supposed to not show it just because other people are finding things hard?

selepele, best no one complains about workplace stress - they could have chosen another job. Or their pets dying - they knew cats make it to 16-18, they should’ve chosen a tortoise. Or any unexpected expenses - they should’ve seen it coming.

Or you know, friends could be sympathetic to their friend’s gripes and mild complaints, as they more than likely have a bit of a whinge themselves when they’re down.

Why did you post on AIBU op? It's not exactly known for kindness.. Next time post in relationships where you'll generally get more considered replies.

I wouldn't want to be friends with some of the people who have posted on your thread. Brrrr. So cold.

So its sounds like she did care, she asked you lots of questions about how you are.

Ill echo other posters, you dont have to be friends if you dont want to.

What were you hoping to gain by posting here? People have given their opinions but you dont agree. However you dont need permission to not be friends

Let's recap:

I told her about my menopausal symptoms because she asked!! I told het about my tiredness because she asked!! I told her about my stress as she asked me if my husband and I were ok!!! These were all questions from.her

So she has asked you all about your life, and listened to you talk about what's going on with you.

maybe it wasn't the best time to bring up how financially great she is, how great her health is, how she has so much time and goes on amazing holidays all the time. All in.the same sentence.

And she can't say even a single sentence about her own life and happiness without pissing you off?

YABU. And a pretty terrible friend.