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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off at gloating childless friend??

152 replies

lill72 · 03/12/2018 20:29

So caught up with a friend who has chosen to have no children but after I sort if told her a bit about my stress with my DC and lack of sleep Im getting etc, she proceeded to tell me how she has lots of time, is not stressed, is financially fine and has her health..Basically life is good. Oh and she goes on about her trip to here a d trip to thete and how good it was.

Whilst I don't begrudge anyone any of the above, I guess maybe a little sensitivity is required perhaps when I've just been telling her I've been having a shit time for a variety of reasons and that life is tough at the ment with two young kids?

I just feel she is a bit socially inept and a bit of self effacing behaviour would go a long way..I feel im.very sensitive to this type of stuff - ie I won't bang on.about a holiday when I know a friend can't afford to go on.one. I'll wait to be be asked about it and then give minimal detail. If another friend has too been on holiday we discuss it more.

This gloating especially about money gets me. Her partner earns a lot so she is costing away and just gloats.

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live or is she socially inept? I really don't know where to go from here...

OP posts:
tequilasunset · 03/12/2018 21:13

So you can talk about your life but if she talks about hers, she is insensitive or over compensating?

What a load of shit!

You chose to have children, knowing the stress and financial burden they cause. She chose to be child free and live the life she wanted. Why shouldn't she talk about it??

You sound like a bad friend and a very jealous one at that!

Rattinghat · 03/12/2018 21:22

I think you are a bit over sensitive. You questioned why she asked if you and your husband were OK! She did show an interest in you, she did text you a lovely text afterwards.

redcarbluecar · 03/12/2018 21:23

Is it possible that the children thing isnt really an issue? She sounds like someone who wants to talk about herself a lot and isn’t very good at picking up social cues. I have a few friends like this, but the good outweighs the bad with them - guess the question is, is she worth your time and effort overall?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/12/2018 21:26

She could maybe have been a bit more sensitive but, as you've said, she's a bit socially awkward. Maybe she thought this was just part of a conversation.

The other side is that - and I say this as someone who is voluntarily childfree - there are a LOT of people who will trot out hackneyed lines like "Oh, I suppose you're one of these "career women" types" or "Isn't your life EMPTY without children" and so on and so forth. It's quite possible that your friend has heard all this before and you've been at the receiving end of her not wanting to go down that conversational path again, because it fucking grates. I'm not saying that's what you would have said, but when you've heard it enough times, a sharp reply/heading off at the pass becomes an automatic response.

MakeAHouseAHome · 03/12/2018 21:27

So you decided to have kids, are whinging abour your kid full life and said friend has to therefore hide what she is doing in her life, and how she is enjoying it because of your own life choices.

Erm no I don't think so.

I too am childless by choice and will share what fun I am having doing X Y and Z, and living a carefree life, just as some friend take great delight in telling me how fantastic it is that 'dear tommy did his first poo'

Prisonbreak · 03/12/2018 21:28

I’m actually distancing myself from my group of friends because I can’t bare listening to them anymore.
Your dog however... that I can talk about all day!!!

Orchiddingme · 03/12/2018 21:33

See, I glaze over when people start talking about their dogs. My colleague goes on about them. It's just a preference thing.

I think you are being a bit oversensitive, OP. She probably asked about how things are with your husband as you were saying your life is shit and stressy and you are going through the menopause and have two little kids and putting two and two together, it does put a strain on things. I don't think it was wrong to ask- or for you to not answer.

Ubertasha2 · 03/12/2018 21:34

Prisonbreak, well, she’s part spaniel, white, fluffy, fierce, loves mango, people and chicken, hates other dogs, the postman and the rain, is a right feisty little thing, I could go on all day...I’m that obsessed!!

Monkeynuts18 · 03/12/2018 21:39

Society is very uncomfortable with the notion of the child-free woman and I guarantee you she will have been subjected to a lifetime of patronising comments, concealed and not-so-concealed pity, constantly feeling she has to justify herself, etc. I expect it’s a subconscious reaction to that. I’m not saying it’s not insensitive in the context of your conversation, but I do get why she might behave like that.

Nettletheelf · 03/12/2018 21:41

What else is your friend going to talk about? She’s scarcely going to want to spend all the time listening to you whinging (sorry, but you know that’s what you’re doing).

She’s probably trying to liven up the conversation by talking about fun things, to take your mind off your child woes. I’d do the same.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/12/2018 21:41

It depends. Maybe she feels that you never stop whining about how hard your life is.

JustHereForThePooStories · 03/12/2018 21:44

You caught-up with a friend.

You filled her in on your life; it’s not been great. She filled you in on her life; things are going well for her.

You think she’s gloating, she probably thinks you’re whining (as you’re doing now).

Swings and roundabouts, really.

Witchend · 03/12/2018 21:44

Read the thread folks she’s 55 so highly unlikely to be ttc or maybe she's suddenly realised that actually she would have liked children and it's too late.
Happened to a friend of my parents. They were so certain they didn't want children she had her tubes tied in her 20s. When they were talking in their 70s they admitted that she changed her mind in her 40s to the point they had them untied, but it was too late. This was an explanation as to why they'd broken away and minimised contact when they were in their late 40s through to then.

SilverySurfer · 03/12/2018 21:45

I doubt she understands your life any more than you understand hers. I couldn't have children and have no conception of what it's like to have a family.

Time for you to gloat when your DC are caring for you in old age and she has no-one maybe?

Does she just have no.idea of how others may live

I think you need to ask yourself the same question.

Original poster
lill72 · 03/12/2018 21:47

Redcar you are spot on this is exactly it! It has nothing to do with kids. It is that im.habing a shit time with peri menopause causing me to be in tears many days a.d depression.and just someone going on about all their holidays isn't really helpful!!! Fair ??!

OP posts:
NameChange457 · 03/12/2018 21:48

I thought you were being given a bit of a rough ride until I read this I don't ever say anything by the way about pity for her. I might express it to my his husba d but would never to her.
Sounds like you just like to feel superior to her to me. I bet she’s picked up on your attitude even if you haven’t ever explicitly said anything.

I’d be telling you how fab my life was in that case too.

JustHereForThePooStories · 03/12/2018 21:48

Time for you to gloat when your DC are caring for you in old age and she has no-one maybe?

Jesus Christ.

Visit a care home any day of the week and see just how many elderly parents rarely get a visit from their children.

MsLexic · 03/12/2018 21:49

Many people are boastful and gloating. Just don't count her as a friend. Sounds like you have nothing in common.
If she is telling you stuff just to irk you, you should stop seeing her.
Comparisons are odious, as they say.

Chucky16 · 03/12/2018 21:49

OP you say you told her about your problems and stress. So you are happy to inflict your friend with how your life is, but dont appreciate it when she inflicts how her life is on you? This is double standards isn’t it. You’re not much of a friend if all you want to do is moan. If I was her and had put up with all your complaints and then found out that you were complaining about my telling you what’s going on in my life I would steer well clear. You come across as very self centred and a bit full of your own importance and not really interested in anything other than what’s going on in YOUR life.
Are you jealous of her life, because it sounds like it to me???

Prisonbreak · 03/12/2018 21:50

ubertasha2
Your dog sounds lovely :)
I’m a dog groomer so massive dog lover

Ragwort · 03/12/2018 22:08

Not quite sure what your issue is Confused when I meet my friends I have no interest in talking about my DC, their DC, menopausal symptoms or dogs - there are lots of other subjects that I am very interested in discussing Grin. Maybe you need new friends.

user1495390685 · 03/12/2018 22:09

A genuine friend would lend an ear whatever was causing you trouble. You mention things other than kids that are tough. There are a lot of loaded comments flying about for people child free by choice. What are you guys doing on a parenting forum?

Original poster
lill72 · 03/12/2018 22:14

This is not about kids and no kids. This is not about me moaning the entire brunch. I am a very happy, interested friend that asks questions and genuinely cares.

I am.havung a rough patch with low moods and menopause and this makes it very stressful with children. So we were talking about this as she asked me and she is the one person I know going through it too.

No one seems to have acknowledged how bloody hard it can be f
going through this - does anyone else understand it???

So at this brunch, at this time, maybe it wasn't the best time to bring up how financially great she is, how great her health is, how she has so much time and goes on amazing holidays all the time. All in.the same sentence. It's just too much really?

Gees I wouldn't boast that much even if I was in.het position - would you?

I go out with other friends and im.happy to hear their need good and bad. But this is too much for me...

We are having fewer things in.common and I have less time to be tolerant of such people.

OP posts:
roundaboutthetown · 03/12/2018 22:15

lill72 - so you wanted someone to have a good whinge with and picked on the wrong friend. She probably wanted someone to have fun with and likewise got the wrong friend for the occasion. So you let each other down. You made no effort to be upbeat and look on the bright side and she made no effort to look on the dark side. Surely you know your friends well enough by now to tell in advance who is good at being empathetic when you are down and who is not? I don't see the need to assassinate your friend's personality on an anonymous forum -it seems a bit petty, tbh.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/12/2018 22:16

Why shouldn't she talk about her wonderful life? It's not her fault you're knackered is it?