To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Totally ridiculous. You should probably be prepared for a fall out but you've not done anything wrong, she's been totally U and a bridezilla.

@viques I'm having five adult bridesmaids. Not because I'm a bridezilla but because there are five women in my life who I want by my side on the most important day of my life.

Completely unreasonable, brides foot the bill for bridesmaids dresses, or let them wear their own clothes. You can buy dresses for around £30 online, add a tenner for the local alterations lady and you are done (yes I've done this because my DD's sing semi pro)

If you have to pay for the dress (which I don't personally agree with) then you should get to choose the dress. I have paid once but I got to choose it.

wow shes a right CF isnt she. If she replies with you can pay me back tell her to do one!

I would be tempted to show her this thread.

And yes in the U.K. it's normal for the bride to pay for bridesmaids dresses, but until recently 2 little girls was the norm plus your sister (if you had one) I blame American bridal shows. And since when did everyone parade in ahead of the bride??? Bridesmaids follow the bride to adjust the train! At work (a church) we want to ban the bridezillas they are a nightmare, one complained that the ventilation grills (installed circa 1880) wrecked her stiletto head!

I'm obviously really behind the times. When did it become the thing for bridesmaids to help arrange a wedding? Surely that's the bride in conjunction with groom and her parents. Think MN should draw up a list of red flags for potential bridesmaids.

Oh wrong thread sorry

I also think you’ve done the right thing OP.

When I got married we didn’t have much money and decided to have a very small wedding. I decided not to have any bridesmaids as we couldn’t afford to pay for them. I know the two friends I would have had, we have all been friend for (now) over 30yrs and I love them as if they were my sisters, would have paid in a heartbeat but I didn’t want to put them in that position.

I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, seeing as I asked them to do it I wouldn’t have dreamed of asking them to pay for them, let alone £250 each! And all the dinners to meet up and discuss her big day, how narcissistic! People have other stuff going on in their lives other than her wedding.

You were completely right to be honest, and if she doesn’t respond saying sorry for putting you in that tricky position then she’s a twat. I’d be horrified if I put someone in that position without considering they might not be able to pay. And she should never have made a comment that made you feel bad for not being able to make them hen do.

She sounds like a selfish arse.

You've done the right thing OP. If she's a good friend she will pay (as she should've done in the first place) and tell you not to worry about it. A friendship should not be dependent on financial means.

If she’s like this with her bridesmaids you can predict a divorce not so far away!

Yep

I'm really confused why the others just handed over the cash as if they knew it was coming. Has a conversation happened about this that you weren't included in?
Even if the expectation was that you would pay for your dress, that should have been explained up front with a realistic breakdown of other costs such as shoes and hair. Is she going to demand you all have elaborate hair styles and have to pay for that too?!

I've been a bridesmaid 3 times and never paid for dress or shoes.

I paid for dress, shoes and hair for mine. It never entered my head to do otherwise.

I must be very lucky with my friends. No crazily expensive hen parties or ridiculous expectations. They're all very considerate of each other. Two of my bridesmaids had young children so we stayed local for the hen do.

It seems like a lot of people have bridesmaids that they're not particularly close to which I find very odd anyway and that seems to cause a lot of the issues.

It is normal to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. You maybe needed to say you wouldn't be able to do it because of cost.

Since when? Why would you pay for a dress not of your choosing?

I though the custom in the UK was pay for matchy-matchy bridesmaids dresses (hence the usually small number of BMs) and in the US, BMs pay for a dress of their own choosing, hence the trend among some folks to have 25 BMs all in varying colours and styles.

good luck OP! You're totally in the right though. I let my bridesmaid choose a nice relaxed dress she could wear again and I paid for it.

I’ve just looked up bridesmaids in an old book of etiquette I’ve got from the 1920s. Surprisingly, this is what is says:

Ive never known a bride pay for the bridesmaids dresses. We’ve always paid for the girls dresses and traditionally it is bridesmaid who pays.
I think you have to be upfront and honest and she might help from wedding budget or you can stand down. It is expensive but I’ve als never known lots of meals and fuss in the planning that involves bridesmaids. She’s not being very considerate. £250 seems quite a lot for a dress you’ll only wear once and which nobody will remember. We do

I'd never expect to be a BM and pay for my own dress- been BM several times and had my own BMs- can't believe how thoughtless your friend is asking to pay £250- in the month of Xmas as well! If she wants you to pay for your own dress it should be on agreed budget.

Unbelievable, I've never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses. Stick to your guns

OP having been in your situation a few years ago with my SIL I would say something! That's a lot of money for just one day. I've never worn the dress again as it was a colour I would never pick. I was super annoyed that I spent £290 on a bridesmaid dress that I didn't really want to wear but of course I wanted to keep the peace with my brother be her bridesmaid.

Jesus she must have some rich friends that they can just drop £250 with No notice on the dress. This is just going to do to continue OP shoes then more nights out then more crap to buy! I'd drop out politely and nicely and say you're really looking forward to the wedding but can't afford to do any bridesmaids stuff.

Bridesmaid dresses should be worked out in the cost of the wedding. I wouldn’t be one if the dress wasn’t paid for.
I enjoy weddings less when I’m bridesmaid anyway, so paying for it would annoy me

I've never heard of bridesmaids buying their own dresses. We had custom made dresses at our wedding for the 4 bridesmaids. And they were amazing and half the price of a £250 one each.