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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
NoThankyouHun · 03/12/2018 18:59

God me too @Hidillyho I keep getting asked and I secretly hate it and long to just go to a wedding a normal guest and enjoy myself properly Blush

eddielizzard · 03/12/2018 19:01

This is so awful. I can't believe she bases your friendship on whether you can afford to pay for parts of her wedding. Extraordinary, this level of selfishness. Really her behaviour would be the end for me.

Tissunnyupnorth · 03/12/2018 19:02

Bride pays. Bought all my BM’s dresses and had mine paid for when I was a BM.

ladywady · 03/12/2018 19:02

I can't believe the cheek of some brides!
No bridesmaid should ever be asked to pay for their own dress! Fact. Why should someone pay for a dress that they probably didn't choose and more than likely won't wear again.
I had 5 bridesmaids and they didn't have to pay a penny towards my big day, from dresses to hair, makeup, flowers and drinks.
I saw the day as a time to treat my 5 special best girls as much as it being my day.

Torsz · 03/12/2018 19:04

The bride should definitely pay for the dresses and anything else that they want the bridesmaids to have - shoes, hair, make up etc. If they don't mind whether the bridesmaid has it done or not (eg hair) then they can let the bridesmaid choose whether to pay - but the bridesmaid definitely shouldn't be funding the wedding!!
I've been bride and bridesmaid (the latter several times) and this has always been the case. I wouldn't be at all impressed if somebody asked me to be their bridesmaid then expected me to pay for it!!

Cornishclio · 03/12/2018 19:05

I have never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses. My DD ordered her bridesmaid dresses online (about £30 each) and paid for them to be altered lengthwise for each individual bridesmaid. One had just had a baby so hers needed letting out a bit too. I paid for hair and nails for bride and bridesmaid. Your friend is being a CF choosing something so expensive but not paying for it. Cannot understand why all the others are just paying up without querying it. They must all be loaded.

ladywady · 03/12/2018 19:06

And.....It doesn't matter if the dresses are £25 or £250 no bridesmaid should pay for their own dress!

perfectstorm · 03/12/2018 19:16

@Alfie190 - Google skews American. It is not, absolutely not, normal in this country to select expensive dresses and expect the bridesmaids to pay for them. In fact I think it's grotesquely selfish bad manners, and that view is, it seems, almost universally shared here.

I'd have loved bridesmaids but didn't want to spend a fortune on my wedding, so I asked people to do readings, give a speech, etc. instead. Would never even have crossed my mind that yes, I could afford bridesmaids after all... if I charged for the privilege! Just, ouch.

OP, just be honest that as a single parent there is no way that you can afford this dress, and you will have to bow out and just be a guest. If she is any sort of real friend (and by this point, you do have to wonder!) she will understand.

And I bet her other bridesmaids are quietly thinking she's being a chronic Bridezilla, too.

Jaffacakebeast · 03/12/2018 19:16

I would never pay for my own Bridesmaid dress, how rude of her ask

DustyCropHopper · 03/12/2018 19:16

I have never known bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses. I have been a bridesmaid 3 times all paid for by the bride, I paid for all my 6 bridesmaid dresses and dd has been a bridesmaid twice and all paid for. I provided shoes each time for her.

Coronapop · 03/12/2018 19:17

Simplest solution is to politely say you cannot be a bridesmaid for her, but wish her well etc.

viques · 03/12/2018 19:18

catography can I ask who is going to pay for your 5 bridesmaids dresses/shoes/hair /makeup?

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 03/12/2018 19:18

If you don't hear from her why don't you phone her. I wouldn't message personally. She is your friend and you should both be able to discuss this.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 03/12/2018 19:20

I think it's tacky and cheap to expect bridesmaids to pay for hair, make up and shoes (unless the BM are wearing shoes they already have)

ThePinkOcelot · 03/12/2018 19:21

I don’t understand this at all. How anyone thinks it’s acceptable for anyone to be hundreds out of pocket for their wedding is mind boggling to me.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 19:21

Surely if she is aware of your circumstances and is a close friend she knows you can't just stump up that much before Christmas? Or is she in one of those affluent bubbles where they lose track with reality?

Exactly this really. Her husband to be is a high earner and their families gave them a huge deposit for their home so do have a lot of disposable income I genuinely think she has no concept of how little me and the children live on and how tight it is paying the rent/bills/childcare alone. That seemed evident in the extravagant meals in which I thought we would just pay for what we ate but most had 3 courses + wine then B2B suggested splitting it between us. I went home feeling quite let down and a bit upset that me and the DC could have had a great day out for the cost of my meal + a lemonade!

OP posts:
smithsinarazz · 03/12/2018 19:23

She sounds a nightmare. Never understand how people think it's ok to make others shell out megabucks for a big pageant with them at the centre.

90mammasophie · 03/12/2018 19:23

I have just had my own wedding. It was a fairly luxury weekend costing in the region of £26,000. I did not expect my bridesmaids to spend a fortune on dinners, hen night or dress. I didn't see the point in spending a fortune on dresses to be worn once so I paid £65 to each of my bridesmaids and let them choose their own (didn't have to be the same dress, but they did go for the same in the end). They wore shoes they already had and I paid £150 each for hair and make up. They looked beaut without breaking the bank for either me or them. As a fellow mum, don't spend the £250 on this dress plus hen do. Let your friend know you love her and appreciate the gesture but the costs have gotten out of hand and you need to put your children first with money. She should feel bad for putting you in this predicament, not you for trying to get this kind of money together. Be there to support her of course but you can't break yourself in the process, it's too much £.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 19:25

She has replied, I'd copy and paste but think it may be outing if her or the other BMs use mumsnet.

She basically said she thought it would be obvious we would be paying for our own dresses as 5x the dresses is a huge expense to her but we can all reuse the dresses and keep them. She said she understands my financial situation but I wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding.

Bit of a spiteful comment as I was engaged to the DCs father but he cheated whilst pregnant with DC2..Hmm

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 03/12/2018 19:26

No bridesmaids shouldn't pay for being part of the wedding party! I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, jewellery, heels, hair and make up trials and hair and make up on the day, hotel the night before and got a bag each with their initials that had a pink engraved hip flask with their preferred tipple in, matching pjs, the jewellery for the day in.

sunshineonrainyhay · 03/12/2018 19:26

I cannot believe any bride would make a bridesmaid pay for their hideous dress

lovetherisingsun · 03/12/2018 19:26

It's an American thing isn't it? For the bridesmaids to pay for the dresses?

poppingalf · 03/12/2018 19:27

I've never heard of bridesmaids paying for their own dresses. And if the bride wants them to pay the bridesmaids then to me get full choice of what they choose. She sounds like a nightmare.

Boohissmiss · 03/12/2018 19:27

So she won’t pay then ? So tell her you have to step down

VictoryOrValhalla · 03/12/2018 19:28

Shock she’s a Cheeky mare if ever I heard one!! Nasty too.

I would pull out OP. She doesn’t get it.

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