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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2018 17:41

Well done OP. As a friend you make certain sacrifices, especially for a wedding, but you shouldn't be expected to either go into debt, or , go without. If she's a genuine friend she will understand and realise she's been a bit unreasonable

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 17:42

She read it about half an hour ago but no response

If she's anything other than mortified at her own presumptuousness regarding your financial situation, she's a dick and not a friend.

explodingkittensexpansion · 03/12/2018 17:45

It isn't normal to pay for your own dress. The groom used to pay.

KitKat1985 · 03/12/2018 17:46

Just another couple of points OP:

  1. If she expects you to pay for the dress, then I expect you will also be paying for hair, make-up, shoes, matching accessories...…

  2. I would bet that you were not the only bridesmaid not happy about being asked to pay suddenly for the dresses, with no previous mention that she wouldn't be covering the costs. Yes they may have transferred the money over, but I bet they weren't happy about it.

Trinity66 · 03/12/2018 17:47

Just another one agreeing that I've never came across a bride who expected the Bridemaids to buy their own dresses Alfie :p

She doesn't sound like a very intune friend OP, she knows you're a single mother, how can she justify putting you under that much financial pressure for her wedding day

smartcarnotsosmartdriver · 03/12/2018 17:50

I was a pretty skint bride just out of uni and I paid for my bridesmaids dresses. And their damned shoes! The only thing I asked them to buy for themselves was a scarf and they couldn't even both do that! Although that's another story. I think it's cheeky to have bridesmaids and ask them to pay for their own dresses. If she can't afford that many then she should have had fewer bridesmaids!

viques · 03/12/2018 17:50

Frankly I think a woman who needs to have 5 adult bridesmaids at her wedding is giving out loud and clear warning signals that she is in the early stages of terminal bridezilleritis and should be avoided.

JosephineBucket · 03/12/2018 17:52

When I was bridesmaid for my best friend I did pay for my dress but I offered to do so and had free choice. It was £80 and wore it again to my university leavers ball so totally happy with the situation. This is a totally different scenario and is definitely CFery.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 03/12/2018 17:56

My friend had a very tight budget for her wedding, but she still bought both bridesmaid dresses. My DD was one of them so I offered to buy the shoes and head accessories. She would have paid for the let but I said no. It was only £100 for both dresses and they could be worn again.

Zofloramummy · 03/12/2018 17:56

I lost a good friend over exactly this issue! She wanted me to pay for a long weekend away, the dress, hair, make up, shoes and the wedding was a two day affair that was self catering (so needed to pay towards the food budget) plus accommodation. And my dd was a flower girl so also the costs for her.

I was a single mum and there was no way I could afford it. She kindly said she would pay. But everything went south when she wanted me to try in a bridesmaids dress on the evening of my child’s parents evening. I couldn’t go and she lost it and called me some very nasty names. It hurt at the time but actually I’ve no regrets. I couldn’t keep up with her friends (twin income professionals).

Zofloramummy · 03/12/2018 17:57

Oh and I didn’t go to the hen as there was no way I could have afforded that!

namechangedforthishelp · 03/12/2018 18:00

It's a joke that people are expected to pay when the bride picks the dress. As pp said where she let them pick anything in a certain colour I think that is fine Smile

Youmadorwhat · 03/12/2018 18:01

Good good!! No way! It’s supposed to be part of the wedding budget! I paid for my bridesmaids dresses, hair,makeup,jewelry and their stay in the hotel on the wedding night!!

madmumofteens · 03/12/2018 18:02

Honestly can't believe that a bride expects her bridesmaids to pay for the dresses I paid for everything for mine including make up and hair and shoes.

Cosmos45 · 03/12/2018 18:04

I'm quite shocked by those who might think it's ok to get the BM's to pay for their own dresses etc. What other circumstance would it be acceptable for a person to cheerfully spend someone else's money without asking them if it was ok first? And even if there had been a conversation about the BM's paying for the dresses wouldn't you hedge your bets and run it past them whilst in the shop before choosing and ordering them?

Snowwontbelong · 03/12/2018 18:05

I hope you get an apology. Fear it won't go as well as that though....

mouthkisses · 03/12/2018 18:05

No. You don't get the luxury of 5 bridesmaids all in high end frocks and not have to pay for the privilege. I don't get it.

In a situation where you can't afford your BM dresses you either don't have any or at a push give plenty of notice that they will need to pay for the dress and let them choose it!

Everyone else is probably conforming out of fear of embarrassment. I can't imagine you are the only bridesmaid who thinks this sucks.

VictoryOrValhalla · 03/12/2018 18:07

It is the height of rudeness to invite someone to play a role in your party, which includes them being responsible for organising certain parts of it and then expect them to pay! So rude. She has no class at all. If she can’t afford what she’s wants then she can’t have it. It’s very simple.

Sowhatifidosnore · 03/12/2018 18:09

I’ve been MOH twice and didn’t pay for the dress either time and nor did the bridesmaids. I’ve never worn either dress again.m

Sowhatifidosnore · 03/12/2018 18:11

I didn’t pay for the shoes either. And never wore those again because I don’t have much call for white satin heels... gave the shoes back to the bride in case they could use them...

Gazelda · 03/12/2018 18:13

You've done the right thing OP. Hopefully your message will have woken her up to the reality of what she's expecting from her BMs. Whatever happens, stick to your guns, even if it means politely withdrawing from the BM role. The ball is now firmly in her court,

Cosmos45 · 03/12/2018 18:14

mouthkisses - i suspect you are right.. I remember once a friend arranging a night out - it was for someone's 40th birthday and she was trying to organise a private dining room in a posh restaurant in London and also attempting to get us all to chip in and pay for the birthday girl.. All well and good.. looking at the price list we were talking approx £200 each for the dinner then a 1/5th contribution each to the birthday girl. Along with cabs, train tickets etc. The hilarious thing was a few of us were on moderate salaries in public sectors (think NHS) and the birthday girl worked in a very high up position for a very well know american bank earning probably 5-6 times more than the rest of us.. Everyone went along with it.. cheerfully kept agreeing to the more outlandish suggestions until I put my foot down and simply said I couldn't afford it.. there was a massive flurry of private messages from everyone thanking me for putting an end to the nonsense and we ended up going out for an italian meal with prosecco (rather than the Moet) - I can still remember the bill per person was £45 and this covered the birthday girl's dinner! Since then no stupid outlandish suggestions have been made towards reservations for dinner.. whatever the occasion.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2018 18:16

Well done op, iwpd have offered to bow out, if this is going to be a problem.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2018 18:19

I wod actually drop out, there are going to be more future expenses, like dinners to discuss this and that, and the probably expensive hen do. Put an end to it.

ZenNudist · 03/12/2018 18:21

If she does anything other than offer to sub you shes a dick.

I think the advice to get out now is good. Thanks god yoi aren't commited to the hen do.

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