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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
CookingGood · 03/12/2018 17:10

My sister tried this at her wedding. She asked my 3 dds to be flower girls, they were measured and had the dresses made by a dressmaker, then when she went to collect them (5 days before the wedding) she text me asking to transfer £700 for the dresses and shoes. First I’d heard of it! It was already costing me in the region of £800 for hen weekend/transport to the venue etc

I just replied that I wasn’t paying, it turned into somewhat of an argument over texts with the outcome being she ended up with no flower girls and we didn’t go to the wedding.

Nodancingshoes · 03/12/2018 17:11

It didn't occur to me not to pay for for the bridesmaid dresses at my own wedding. I only had 1 big bridesmaid and 1 little bridesmaid as money was a little tight. Why would someone have 5 bridesmaids when they clearly can't afford them?? Private message her or speak to her face to face. You'll soon see what kind of friend she is

LoniceraJaponica · 03/12/2018 17:11

Wow, that escalated badly Cooking. Are you still talking to each other?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2018 17:12

CookingGood did you get a refund on the hen?

HildaZelda · 03/12/2018 17:13

I would never expect a bridesmaid to pay for her own dress. When I got married I paid for my bridesmaid's dresses. I've been a bridesmaid a few times and always had mine paid for.

The bridesmaid is doing the job because the bride asked (and presumably) wanted her to. She don't volunteer for the role herself, so why on earth should she have to pay for the dress?

Bringbackbertha · 03/12/2018 17:18

Another one in the "wouldn't ask my bms to pay"

I let my bridesmaids agree on the chosen dress paid for them plus shoes accessories and other stuff.

Poster in the first page worded a message nicely for you.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 17:20

I have messaged her (privately away from the group chat) to say I genuinely wasn't expecting to pay for the dress and hadn't budgeted in for that at all and with Christmas coming up, and the children to support (solely as their dad doesn't pay maintenance - another topic entirely!) I just can't afford it. She read it about half an hour ago but no response! The other bridesmaids have all transferred the money for the dresses.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 03/12/2018 17:23

Crikey I never would have thought to ask for people to pay for my bm dresses.

Are you going to text her or call?

CookingGood
Are you in contact with your sister now?

Russell19 · 03/12/2018 17:23

I really don't understand the people saying it's normal to pay for your own bridesmaids dress! It's really not! The bride should pay. If budget is tight the bride chooses cheaper dresses instead of getting friends to pay..... surely?

I had 5 bridesmaids and paid for dresses, hair, accessories and make up! The only thing they got was shoes and they all already had silver so wore those as they couldn't really be seen anyway. (I felt bad enough for that, but they all insisted because they wanted comfy shoes instead of stiff new ones haha!)

Mayhemmumma · 03/12/2018 17:24

Well done. You can't pay for it and that's it. I'd just repeat I'm sorry I had no idea I'd have to buy the dress, happy to stand down and be there for you as a guest. And then breathe a sigh of relief.

KringleBells · 03/12/2018 17:24

Fingers crossed for you OP.

CraftyYankee · 03/12/2018 17:27

Really you should politely drop out. The costs are only going to go up.

AE1234 · 03/12/2018 17:27

Stick to your guns as she might now say she will pay and you can give it her back after Christmas. I agree with others she is going to be a nightmare. What about shoes/hair/make up cost?

Decline now before it's too late

Didntwanttochangemyname · 03/12/2018 17:27

Stay strong OP, you are doing the right thing. If your friend kicks off, then all you've done is rid yourself of a bad friend.

CookingGood · 03/12/2018 17:27

Yes we talk now (was nearly 6 years ago!)

I’d already been on the hen so no refund, took my outfit back, and just cancelled the transport so only lost £25 deposit.

It was similar in a way to OP situation wise (sister didn’t have dc, I was a single parent, one minimum wage which she knew my circumstances etc) and I would have come to a compromise if I’d had the choice, ie suggested cheaper dresses, gone half each, not gone on the hen to pay for them but it was literally 5 days before the big day so it wasn’t even up for debate. I had to choose between rent or some costumes

bringbacksideburns · 03/12/2018 17:31

Surely if she is aware of your circumstances and is a close friend she knows you can't just stump up that much before Christmas? Or is she in one of those affluent bubbles where they lose track with reality?

I would feel.incredibly embarrassed charging my bridesmaids. It wouldn't have even crossed my mind and I've never had to pay to be a bridesmaid either.

Is this a sign of the times to come? Like people spending a fortune on prom dresses? Thanks America!!

I hope she sits down and thinks hard about this. A good friend who wants you there would sort something out. And if she doesn't ...then you've no choice but to step down which is a shame but unavoidable.

TetherEnding · 03/12/2018 17:31

You've done the right thing OP

KitKat1985 · 03/12/2018 17:31

You've done the right thing OP. If she wants £1250 bridesmaid dresses for her wedding (total cost for the five of you) then she needs to pay for them!

MerdedeBrexit · 03/12/2018 17:33

OP, if she says: "I'll lend you the money till after Christmas", or makes you pay anything at all towards the dress/accessories/shoes/hair/make-up, please back out immediately. (You'll need to ask her first what else she is going to expect you to pay for, obviously!) I think you should back out now, anyway, but you're the one who's living it!

Jux · 03/12/2018 17:34

I would resign from being a bridemaid, regretfully and diplomatically, and I would say that I simply didn't have the money or the freedom. Sad to let her down, but she will enjoy her wedding much more if she has one less bm than if she has a bm who hasn't been anle to join in or afford the right dress. Wish her well, and look forward to the wedding, which I am sure is going to be fantastic and beautiful whether I'm a bridesmaid or just a guest. Xxx

Hopefully it'll bring her down to earth a little and she'll understand, and either stop expecting you to pay for things you can't afford and pay for them herself, or she'll be sad but OK about you being a guest.

Enko · 03/12/2018 17:34

You did the right thing op. Hopefully she will see that and respond nicely.

jipjop · 03/12/2018 17:37

I don't know anyone who have ever charged their bridesmaids for a dress??!! Baffled!

TheBigBangRocks · 03/12/2018 17:38

All the costs of a wedding should fall to the couple, very rude and entitled to put them on guests. I covered everything from the hen do to transport for guests. You have a smaller wedding, go simpler or save longer, you don't get others to pay.

Ated · 03/12/2018 17:39

It's her wedding, if she's so stupid to want everything and make a show then she pays for it all.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/12/2018 17:41

I covered everything from the hen would love this but I dont think I'll encounter a bride who would pay for the hen

OP dont allow her to say you can pay after xmas- you arent paying!

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