To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

@mummblebee. The ldll nappies are better than the expensive pampers. My daughter always been in ldll as i cant afford pampers. Can i also suggest morrison savers ones for £1.40 for a pack. They great.

What a horrible situation for you OP. But you have dealt with it with dignity. Do not feel bad for this bride, she has her own issues and may at sometime reflect and realise what a nob head she has been. Hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas. 💐💐

Urgh I had a similar experience with my friend when I was her bridesmaid although even she did pay for the dress. I couldn’t afford the very expensive hen do and just said no can’t come too expensive. Bride and her friends were hateful to me because of it and said I did have the money I was choosing not to spend it and bride offered a payment plan to me so that I could attend as every bridesmaid should.
I said at the time my family haven’t been on a holiday at all as we put all money into getting a house and that a family holiday was my priority not a hen do.
She insisted I stayed as bridesmaid but it was such an awful day as everyone was so nasty to me. I felt I was only there as she had already bought the dress.
We are no longer friends at first I felt really sad about it as we had been friends for over ten years but now I’ve realised there’s no point having friends who make you feel horrible so I have no regrets. I think I would have had regrets if I’d have paid for hen do and not gone on our family holiday though.
This time of thing seems to be really common now and it’s so unnecessary 😒
I would just be careful if you carry on bring bridesmaid that you don’t get any comments from the other bridesmaids and friends as when that happened to me I felt like I was being bullied at school.

OP I think you'll end up having a miserable experience like @Sunshineandalltherainbows if you don't pull out. it's not just the dress. there will be loads of other expenses along the way. drop out gracefully and just be a guest. you cannot prioritise this wedding.

Both me and my dh work and I couldn't justify paying £250 for a dress, even if I could wear it 10 more times! I have a friend a bit like this, never replied when I was talking about my hen do plans in a group so I assumed she couldn't afford what i planned but didn't want to say so. I said I'd changed my mind so she wouldnt feel awkward and went for a cheaper option. Next week she announces she has planned her own hen do (her wedding was a year after mine!) and could we give her a deposit soon - her choice was about twice the cost of mine!
She asked me to be bridesmaid and as we were life long friends and I knew money was tight, I offered to pay for my dress. Was thinking it'd be about £100 but she chose one for nearer £200, never even checked with me and it was hideous, a style that was completely unsuited to my height. When I gingerly mentioned it was a bit of an odd length on me, I was told they'd get it altered. A friend of theirs altered it but they all agreed not to change the length as it looked nice on the others and would look different if mine was altered? Then I was sent a group text explaining how much I owed for alterations and hair things. I didn't say a thing as it was her wedding but that was 9 years ago and it still bugs me.

I think I'd bow out. She hasn't conceded gracefully. She's not admitted that she was in the wrong. I don't think I'd want her friendship when she's behaved like that.

If you really want the friendship and want to remain friends could you graciously accept the dress and tell her you'll pay her £10 a month for the next 2 years??
I wouldn't, but it might be a good compromise.
I would also worry that she's expecting you to pay for hair and make up and accessories as well.
I would ask her this before making any decisions.
If she is expecting you to pay for all the extras then you need to let her know that you can't do it and you would rather go to the wedding as a guest and let her enjoy her day.

When did weddings become these circus type events that need a two-year run up of expensive planning meetings, endless pre-wedding spa days, cocktail making classes, weekends in Europe.....Two girls in my office have got married in the last couple of years and I don't think I heard either of them comment favourably in their groom or talk in any meaningful way about the purpose of the day itself. One couple has already parted company.
What happened to the simplicity of a night out pre-wedding without need for personally engraved jewellery trinkets or goody bags? Getting married in itself isn't a prison sentence (usually) where no activity will be allowed in the future.

The bride is supposed to pay for the bridesmaids dresses. No question.

If you are that good friends then be honest and say you can't afford it and if necessary step down from the role. If she's narky about it she's clearly not that good a friend.
I only had one adult bridesmaid, we discussed it and told her our colour scheme, and she chose and bought her own dress in that colour which was an evening dress she could wear again. The little ones dresses I bought but they were obviously different to hers. I think if you want identical dresses a) you should pay for them and b) they are likely not to suit someone. A compromise would be to have dresses made of the same material in different styles to suit the different bridesmaids. But if the bridesmaid gets no choice in the dress she shouldn't have to pay for it.

I'm another who can't believe the number of bridesmaids asked to pay for their own dresses!!! I think just don't have any, or have one, if you can't afford to pay for all of the dresses. My BMs (I had four) wore a mix of two dresses, one design was about £40 from Debenhams and the other was about £80 from Coast. I paid, of course!! I couldn't stretch to hair and make up so I told the BMs they could wear their hair however they liked.

Last year a friend asked me and three other close friends to wear the same colour as the BMs (her two sisters), and we paid for our own dresses, but it was a very flexible arrangement - the colour was pink and we all wore different shades, styles. I wore a £40 dress from Topshop and wore it to another wedding party previously, and will definitely wear it again! You've mentioned OP that you wouldn't have minded this kind of arrangement, so you're definitely not the unreasonable one here.

I'm genuinely shocked that some people think it's ok to ask for a £250 contribution from anyone.

Some people just loose the run of themselves over weddings. This whole “it’s the brides day” bull, no day gives anyone the right to act like an entitled arse. It’s just plain rude to pick a dress and then make someone else pay and to not even have a conversation with you about it, just a txt requesting transfer. Says allot about her really.
She is no real friend, if she was then she would of fallen over herself to pay for your dress and also immediately reassured you that there would be no financial burden on you for the rest of the wedding.
I hope she wakes up and apologies but it’s doubtful.
Hope it works out OP come back and update us after the day!!!

Is paying for your own dress a new thing ?
Been a bridesmaid 4 times, never had to buy my own.
Been married twice, paid for the maids dresses.
If someone decides to get married & ask people to be part of the wedding party then they should pay for their outfits. Simple.

Oh dear, my wedding dress didn’t even cost £250! But I am cheap and couldn’t justify spending a lot of money on something that I will never wear again and I certainly wouldn’t ask anyone to buy their own bridesmaid dress when they definitely won’t want to wear it again!

I know not everyone is like me and I’m sure the bride is just getting a bit Bridezilla. I think weddings are the time when a lot of brided start to get really self centred and unable to think of other people, which when you think about it planning a whole day just about you can probably bring out ego a little.

In your shoes I would tell her I felt uncomfortable about the dress situation and that I was struggling with the cost of all the meals out etc. I would wish her well and tell her I’d still love to come to the wedding but can’t give anymore financially and bow out. If you felt so inclined you could say something about how you feel it’s unfair to put the others in the position of them paying full price for everything and you being subsidised by the bride would obviously cause a bit of angst for everyone and with the greatest will in the world there might be a feeling of resentment which you obviously don’t want tainting her wedding, or some such bollocks that will keep her sweet but get you out of it.

I see the Vow has lifted your thread bridezilla1 #lazyjournalists

It won't just be the dress, it'll be the shoes, accessories, makeup, hair, nails, fittings etc you'll be expected to pay up for the lot and it's going to be a hell of a lot more than £250! I'd back out now It's not worth getting into debt over.

www.thevow.ie/the-final-say/polls-and-surveys/think-your-friends-wedding-is-costing-you-a-packet-spare-a-thought-for-this-bridesmaid-whos-being-asked-to-spend-280-on-her-dress-37593648.html

Do not spend another penny on this friend... I deffo would decline the bridesmaid duties.... tell her you have absolutely no spare funds for anything and you feel she should know now to avoid any future disappointment (turn it back onto her). Say ‘so sorry I misunderstood, I’d have let you know immediately if I’d have known that the dress, hair, makeup, shoes etc would be my responsibility as I just do not have the money... along with the hen night, hotel and extra’s the wedding will probably cost me in excess of £500, so I feel it is unfair of me to continue as I will not be able to pay future costs even if you do kindly fund the dress’ ... She can return your dress or find someone else to wear it. 😃 I would definitely not want to be her BM even if she now pays... she, sadly, has already with her bad manners and attitude wrecked it for herself and you. None of this is your fault.. she should have handled it with grace and compromise and she has not. Just reply with grace and turn it all back on her... by being ‘nice’ you can extracate yourself with less drama. Good luck.

Suggestions to meet for coffee would be a great idea but in all honesty it's basically impossible as the only time I am free is evenings and weekends in which time I have both children so unless B2B meets me at a soft play (she has no children) a proper talk with coffee is unlikely!

Also echoing that you are not being unreasonable and might also be a good time to back out, mention that baby sitters and dinners out have been expensive but you'd like to go out to celebrate with her another time....

Was it a Two Birds dress by any chance? I went to try them on but ended up getting Etsy versions which my BMs said felt nicer to wear anyway! xx

Bridezilla, imagine the relief if you pulled out of the whole thing.

She is being a terrible friend, consumed with her own materialistic self importance. You do not need her in your life.

She has 4 other bridesmaids, and I'm not being funny but it's not like you will be missed is it? The only reason your friend is getting mardy is because more bridesmaids = more status probably.

Send the resigning bridesmaid text/email, state that the whole scenario is making you too uncomfortable and that you don't want to be a negative influence on her big day so sadly you wont be able to be a bridesmaid, and that you won't be coming to the wedding either. Wish her well and that you hope to see her at some stage in the future .

I'd suggest waiting a while and see how things pan out. I remember a similar Bridezilla thread where the OP ended up pulling out of the hen do at the last minute on the advice of MN and it was such a shit storm. I felt so sorry for her She really would have been better sucking it up and just going, then cooling the friendship with the bride aterwards.

I’m shocked to think that it’s hasnt occurred to her already, Surely she must be aware that’s a huge ask?! I’m getting married next year and my bridesmaids offered to pay for there’s, but I insisted I was paying because I wanted to choose the dresses(luckily they both love them!)
If she doesn’t understand she is not a good friend.

You need to go back to her today and tell her that while her offer is kind, that you can’t and won’t accept it and that you’ll be happy to attend as a guest only and not a bridesmaid

This ^

You need to take control of this otherwise she will pay for the dress but you will end up paying again for expensive meals, presents, other things requested by her - and she will say 'well I paid for the dress so you can pay for this'. It's a bottomless pit.

She has shown her true colours. Back out quietly but firmly. You deserve to not be stressing about someone else's wedding. It just shouldn't work like that!

You need to take control of this otherwise she will pay for the dress but you will end up paying again for expensive meals, presents, other things requested by her - and she will say 'well I paid for the dress so you can pay for this'. It's a bottomless pit.

Without a doubt. She will get the £250 back off you some way.