To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Please just look out for your own interests and leave the role.

I was in exactly the same position as you.. Single mum of a young baby.. No money. Was supposed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. I eventually had to drop out s over the months in preparation for the wedding I had to cover several costs for dinners, hen do etc. She then wanted us to pay for bridesmaids dresses make up and hair, hotel etc. I decided to drop out as I simply could not afford it and ended up giving her a financial wedding gift..

I've now had two unexpected parking tickets in the last few weeks. So I'm here completely and utterly broke. Nothing in the house for dinner but a tin of corned beef with spaghetti. My daughter has recently doubled the amount of nappies she is getting through so I've had to compromise and buy cheap rubbish ones from lidl instead of the usual pampers. No petrol in the car.

No longer friends with the bride for numerous reasons.

She I none the wiser of my current situation but was however extremely ungrateful and resentful that I didn't want to be her bridesmaid.

@Fresheyre was a nice middle ground suggestion. If its been a long and previously good friendship then it may be worth questioning her recent behaviour.

But - totally in agreement with pps that not the done thing to demand BM pay extortionate price for a dress they didn't even choose. If can't afford it don't have it.
And - "She said she understands my financial situation but I wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding.....She has just shared a quote on Facebook about how you don't know who your real friends are until you plan a wedding"
Such nasty comments back to you and oh my god, I loathe passive aggressive fb snide comments.

I also agree that this won't be the end of the expense. Why do people need to spend so much when they can't afford it? A few years ago I went to two weddings, 1st cost nearly £30k and the second £300. You can guess which was more fun. T he expensive one was lovely but we were all on edge hoping that nothing went wrong when they had paid so much for it. I don't think anyone really enjoyed it as we're so nervous!
The other was great fun - they did a registry office and had a party at their house. The money went on food and booze (and there was plenty), was one of the best weddings I've been to. So tell her for only another £50 she can have a great wedding including the wine

If she is prepared to sell you down the river for a bridesmaid dress on Facebook what is the husband in for?? then you need to stop this before you wind up at a foodbank.

She has no regard for you and less for your children.

She’s not a friend. She doesn’t care about you.

Focus on your self respect and make sure you step down from being BM.

As PPs say there will be so many additional costs and demands on your time, plus I guarantee she will take any opportunity to make snide references to you not paying for the dress.

Don’t be a dupe. Step away.

I haven't rtft but stopped at the poster who said it's normal to pay for your own bridesmaids dress. NO IT'S NOT!

i paid for one of my daughters bridesmaid dresses and the bridesmsids paid for their own at my eldest daughters wedding as they themselves chose expensive dresses i wouldnt expect a bridesmaid to pay for their own after being asked to perform that duty at a wedding 250 is expensive

Its not only that op, there will be more expensive meals to the run up of the wedding, the expensive hen do, the expensive night before in a hotel for all the bridesmaids, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

I have been a bridesmaid 4 times & have paid for shoes only (that I could pick myself), never my dress. For my own wedding, I only had my sister, so I could pay for her dress & accessories. I wouldn’t ask my friend to be my bridesmaid & expect her to buy her own dress that isn’t her choice & will be worn once.
All the dinners are a bit much, how will it be in the coming months if the wedding is not til summer?!
I don’t think these kind of conversations are for text or FB messaging OP. In a conversation you can read the situation better and clear the air. It’s not just about Christmas or the dress is it? Be really clear you are not in a financial position to participate in this wedding at the level she expects. Unless you can resolve it in a conversation, I suggest you gracefully bow out now.

Would I hell be going anywhere near this wedding after all this. Grace the likes of her with my presence? I don't think so! This is not a friend, OP. She an unpleasant little snot with absolutely zero concept of anything outside the realms of her 'It's all about meeeeeee!' mentality. Leave her to her batshittery and just step away - FAR away.

You come across as sweet and thoughtful in your posts. You deserve so much better. Please don't put up with people running you down like this. No real friend would ever put you in this position.

Even If I wanted to cave, I genuinely do not have this money to pay for the dress so it just wouldn't be an option!

If you did have the £250 you could be going away on a trip with the kids over the day(s) she gets wed stating that you found somewhere you'd rather be that is all inclusive unlike her wedding

Wow the bride sounds really self centred.

I’d think it’s fair that whomever picks the dress, pays... it’s totally ok to pick a colour and let your bms wear their own dress if you can’t/don’t want to find the dress. Totally unreasonable to expect them to fund an outfit you picked!!!

The fb quote sounds really passive aggressive ... I hope she sees this forum post!

@LegoAdventCalendar Well you look silly now don't you?

OP personally I would message back that if she is going to be so nasty about it, just forget it. I would else share an equally passive aggressive quote on Facebook about Bridezillas.

I'd also make a snarky reference about if a friend is a true friend, they support you in terms of financial hardship, and not judge you for it.

So, when I got married I had a 10 month old & we were on a super strict, tight budget. I couldn't afford the dresses for my 3 bridesmaids so they paid for their own. I felt bad asking, but: they were all family & knew my circumstances, I had no expensive wedding discussion dinners, we chose the dresses together, the dresses were £25 each and they wore whatever shoes they wanted to.

I also had an ex make up artist friend & a qualified hair dresser friend who both decided to gift me their time on the morning of my wedding to do hair & makeup for us all, free of charge, instead of giving wedding gifts.

I feel its really unfair of her to make a assumption that you can all afford the £250 plus all the extra bits! You need to be straight with her & maybe tell her you're stepping down as simply can not afford the money her wedding is costing you.

I would still bow out. She really doesn’t get it at all. You’re still lumbered with a very expensive time ahead. Had she not paid for the dress she would have sacked you instead, I’m sure. She doesn’t want drama or a fall out before her wedding. This is what she wants. It’s still all about her. This and her fb message is clear she’s gagging for a fight.

Whatever you do now, unless you can get her to understand your situation, I don’t think your friendship is going to last. So I’d send her a message something like. “Thank you for agreeing to pay for the dress. That still leaves my difficult dilemma. I think we live in such different worlds financially. I’m really sad that dinners out and finding the funds to attend your hen celebrations will be beyond my means. I am a single mum with only my small income to feed, clothe and house the three of us. When I have paid these bills, I simply don’t have the surplus to play such an integral part of your wedding. For that reason I think it would be best if I bow out now before you are more invested in me being your bridesmaid. I hope you can understand this is a difficult decision for me and hope you have fun planning the big day.”

That of “Get your head out of your arse.”

Mummblebee

Money aside, the damage to the friendship was done with the fb comment and her text. Over my dead body would I be having anything further to do with her.
Throw money into it also, her paying for the dress, she will resent you for ever and it will keep coming up over and over, as well as all the other weddong expenses she will want ; you will be beholden to her forever. Go and enjoy the time with your children instead.

CF!

I've never understood how some brides expect people to pay for their own dresses. I find it absolutely outrageous

I just saw my error in my previous post, it should be in *times of financial hardship. Not 'terms'.

Definitely speak up and pull out if needed.
I paid for my bridesmaid dresses so that they could be what I would want for the day - although one kicked up sick a huge fuss about weight and style I was left limited as to what she would wear. I asked for shoes to be whatever they would find comfy and wear again so asked them to buy those - the one who kicked up a fuss has designer taste but the others high street. I then kept the dresses after the wedding to reuse/sell. I’ve been bridesmaid for my sister and we were told to buy what we wanted. My daughter was also flower girl and she was bought the dress but I still had to buy the (specifically requested matching) shoes as well as pay the cost of that holiday abroad.
Hen do costs seem to have escalated a lot since I was married. And all these trips and days out with meals are totally unnecessary. Your friend should be more mindful.

Please remember friendship works both ways - she's not treating you as a good friend

I'd be tempted to add a 'so true' comment to her FB comment of finding out who your friends are when a wedding is planned and bow out

She's potentially going to have digs at you and the expenses will keep coming

Remind yourself who you'd rather benefitted from your money - bride or your children

It’s a trap now OP, don’t fall into it

She will resent this forever - tbh, whatever happens your friendship with her is over, and actually your life it’ll be all the better for it.

You need to go back to her today and tell her that while her offer is kind, that you can’t and won’t accept it and that you’ll be happy to attend as a guest only and not a bridesmaid

Don’t give her the choice to accept or decline this, you can’t afford to be a bum, and even if money were not as tight, spending the ridiculous amount of money she’s forcing you to spend to be a part of this aside from the dress WiILL hurt your family financially to a level that’s disproportionate and unnecessary.

No more dinners/drinks/dresses l/shoes/hair etc, just your own outfit for the wedding and a small gift.

Bm not bum

Bride chooses. Bride pays. End of. I would have never expected my bridesmaids to pay for dresses.

What a bridezilla