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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
Ethel80 · 04/12/2018 22:21

Sorry I should have added, I'd tell her where to shove it!

Tomboytown · 04/12/2018 22:25

I wouldn’t pay £250 for any Dress

Motoko · 04/12/2018 22:26

You really can't go ahead being a BM, even if she does pay for the dress. You do understand what everyone else is saying about all the other costs too? Because if she pays for the dress, and then you tell her you can't afford the shoes, hair and make up etc, she's going to go ballistic.

She really isn't a good friend, the way she's been behaving. It's not just a case of the wedding going to her head, and acting a bit silly. She's shown who she really is deep down. Nice people don't act like that.

You really need to pull out now. No wishy-washy messages saying you're quite happy to just be a guest, TELL her you're pulling out of being a BM.

FreshEyre · 04/12/2018 22:30

Given the last message I would try to meet her for a coffee.

Be honest, say that you're grateful that she's offered to pay for the dress but you need to fully understand what else you might be expected to pay for - shoes, hair, makeup... Be clear in your own mind what you can/can't afford and be prepared to step down as BM if necessary.

I would be up front and say that you were very hurt by the FB post, that you don't want to be seen as a charity case and that whatever happens you wish her well even if you're not part of her big day,

Catsinthecupboard · 04/12/2018 22:31

She is not your friend.

sj257 · 04/12/2018 22:34

My whole wedding only cost that much. I’d be telling her where to go!

YouCanCallMeJodieWho · 04/12/2018 22:37

I think you need to meet up for a coffee and chat things through.

BlackberryandNettle · 04/12/2018 22:41

It's good that she's now offered to pay and sounds like maybe she has got carried away with the wedding and relationship is possibly salvageable although I doubt you'll forget how she's behaved.

Shame about her petty Facebook post though. Right decision on your part to say you'd rather just be a guest now and when she comes back, I'd reiterate that it's stepping down is simply because any additional cost given your circumstances, will be unmanageable and you don't want to feel that everyone else is paying. Basically I'd want to keep it civil but the Facebook post is still very hurtful and I doubt you'll feel close to her again Sad.

Scotland32 · 04/12/2018 22:46

I don’t agree it’s normal to pay for your own. I’ve been bridesmaid many times and never had to pay for my own. And when I got married I paid for the BM dresses. Never spoken to anyone who paid for their own BM dress.

twoundertwo54321 · 04/12/2018 23:01

Oh no - this is just so horrible for you. I hope she replies soon with a sincere apology and makes you feel she really wants to pay for it otherwise I agree it would be better to just be a guest.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 23:02

You're going to get roped into so much more and wind up paying more than you can afford but hey, it's your lookout. Me, I'm not interested in taking on debt for a mate's wedding.

glitterfarts · 04/12/2018 23:03

This is a friend. I think you need to meet up for a coffee and thank her for the offer to pay for the dress but ask for what exactly else you would be up for.
Then you can explain your embarrassment at not being able to afford it face to face where things can lose context over text or email.

WinklemansFringe · 04/12/2018 23:04

OP, please dont be manipulated like this, this 'friend' sounds awful and cannot seriously expect you to attend the wedding now after the Facebook digs.

Don't waste another penny on her stupid wedding ..she isn't worth it

glitterfarts · 04/12/2018 23:04

^ or supposedly a friend anyhow

Rose87777 · 04/12/2018 23:05

What a huge bitch, why are you friends with this woman?! It doesn’t even matter that she’s now said she will pay - the fact she clearly hasn’t thought about you or your situation at all or where the foxtrot you could magic £250 for a dress from shows she is just bad news. Me and DP have a decent combined wage and I don’t have £250 just floating about, ever! Ughhh she literally sounds AWFUL!

DeusEx · 04/12/2018 23:11

She’s a witch. So sorry you’re going through this :( Flowers

Letsmove1t · 04/12/2018 23:13

OP decline her paying for it and come as a guest. Her reference to drama shows she just does not undertyiur position- having no money is not “drama” is an f***g serious reality. Bin being bridesmaid, you’ll have more fun mingling anyway

ProlificLurker · 04/12/2018 23:14

I’m afraid my response to her previous text, sniping about you not being married, would have been simply “well that was nasty”. Because it was. Hope you are ok OP.

BlackberryandNettle · 04/12/2018 23:15

Make sure you step down... even if she now paints it as she offered etc... The relief at no more expensive meals or stress I expect will be worth any short term discomfort.

bludgertothehead · 04/12/2018 23:20

I'm pleased she's offered to pay but you're still in that awkward position.

I wish you luck sorting it out.

WhendoIgetadayoff · 04/12/2018 23:21

Was bridesmaid once and friend said wear what I want. Which was good as the idea is you wear again it’s what you want etc. I’d just had two kids and was really skint. Bought beautiful dress that couldn’t afford but really liked. Also had to pay to get to venue at other end country pay for accommodation for family to stay - inc my mum so she could leave early and babysit kids. Spent a fortune and had a fab time. But....
That weekend was our entire holiday for year. Never had reason to wear dress again and that was ten years ago and I haven’t seen her in five.
Sometimes it’s just not worth it.

manicmij · 04/12/2018 23:30

Always believed bride to be paid for dresses. No wonder there are to be so many, not costing btb a penny.. Go with Werewolfs advice.

MummyofTw0 · 04/12/2018 23:44

What an awful situation

She does not sound like a very good friend at all. Especially how she wrote on fb

I think weddings do send people a little crazy tho but good on you for saying no

Hope you are ok xx

moredoll · 04/12/2018 23:47

I think you've done the right thing by replying that you're happy to come as a guest.
If you accept her offer to pay for the dress will there be other expenses involved, hair, makeup, whatever? Plus you're not going to the hen do so I really think it's best to step back, go as a guest and hope that your friendship survives. That way there won't be so much guilt floating about and their wedding will be a happier day for everyone.

delboysskinandblister · 04/12/2018 23:48

@Bridezilla

if it's really a big problem, she'd rather just pay for your dress than have the drama or a fall out before the wedding

Ahem, In other words

  1. she HAS paid for your dress already
  2. she cannot find anyone else to be bridesmug
  3. she needs you more than you need her
  4. she'll recoup this £250 'loss' from you in other ways - what else is on the horizon that she has she booked that she likely to bill for
  5. All 5 bridesmugs are treated like sponsors not treated like friends

what exactly are you getting from this parasite?

Have some self respect. You owe it to yourself Flowers

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