To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

When I got married we paid for the bridesmaids dresses and when I was bridesmaid for my friend they paid for the dresses, I am going to be bridesmaid for another friend and again, she paid for the dresses. We paid for hair and make-up too.

Bride should pay for bm dresses esp if wants £250 ones. Insane

I agree with the others, explain the situation to the bride and say you are happy to be going to the wedding, but have to drop out of Been a bridesmaid. X

That’s too much. My BM dresses were £75! I was planning on paying for both but my sister surprised me by paying for hers at the till. I wouldn’t have dreamt of choosing a £250 dress for her and DSD 🤦‍♀️

She's being a mean bully and when you've politely tried to explain your situation she's insulted you and then passive aggressively bitched about you on Facebook. I'd drop her like a stone and tell everyone why. You don't need friends like that!

@Port1ajazz OP explained the situation, and in reply, the bride made a nasty dig about OP, and then put one of those "You don't know who your friends are..." memes up on Facebook.

Wowser bridezilla of the highest order - Any more comms OP?

I sincerely hope the OP didn't cave in on this. Her friend has shown her true colours, and she will literally be throwing much needed money away since the friendship isn't likely to survive long no matter anyway ... the bride has shown herself to be a selfish cow ... she's going to get what she wants for her wedding and then be off.

I think you have to be careful with a woman like this that you only write something that you'd be happy to have everyone see. If you phrase it right, she'll struggle as she won't want anyone to see what an entitled spoilt brat she's been.

What a super bitch. The Facebook comment! I wouldn't be able to stop myself replying with
"I'm sorry you're upset that I can't afford to pay £250 for a bridesmaid dress. As you know I'm a single parent struggling financially, I would not be a good mother if I put a dress above feeding my dc. You are not a good friend for putting a passive aggressive Facebook status up. I fire myself from bridesmaid duties. I'm sorry to lose our friendship over money."

Sorry for the late replies, I am still here just a manic day at work and youngest DC who has not long gone to sleep!

To sum up and update, B2B has offered to pay for the dress by saying if it's really a big problem, she'd rather just pay for your dress than have the drama or a fall out before the wedding.

So not really sure where this leaves our friendship as if she genuinely was happy to pay I don't think that's how she would word it and I just feel uncomfortable. I replied saying I didn't want to put her in a stressful situation and am very happy just to come to the wedding as a guest. No response yet..

To answer the questions of what it is I wanted her to do, I was shocked in the first place to be asked to pay and I think I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing I was the only one having my dress paid for as I can't afford it if that makes sense. In a perfect world I'd have hoped she would have replied to the first message realising it is a big ask and offering to pay or atleast heavily subsidise the costs...

“Wouldn’t understand the cost of a wedding” ?!
Tell as it’s so expensive for her, you’ll help her reduce costs - she won’t have to pay for you because you’re not attending.........

Even If I wanted to cave, I genuinely do not have this money to pay for the dress so it just wouldn't be an option!

I can't believe she's asking you to pay! We bought all the bridesmaid dresses, jewellery and shoes and let them all keep them as a gift. I can understand she may be short of money, but then surely you have fewer bridesmaids/lower bridesmaid dresses costs, or rent them? Really odd for her to do that.

the thing is, it's not going to be just a dress.

It's going to be shoes, accessories, hair stuff, make up and hair being done, nails...

On top of dinners out that you can't afford. Babysitters. Alcohol you're not drinking.

Hen party will likely be a financial killer, which will cost you even more.

Being a wedding guest and pulling out of all th 'extra' activities is sane.

Wouldn't stop at the dress. There'll be shoes and jewellery - because she'll want everyone wearing the same. Then hair and makeup on the day you'll have to pay for. Guessing you'll be getting her a gift too?

Oh how difficult OP. What a horrible situation for you to be in.

I think unfortunately OP the fb post put the nail in the coffin for this friendship- I would say you couldn’t accept the dress and would love to attend as a guest and celebrate with her that way. Then faze out the relationship

Can she become an ex friend ? Unbelievable

The Facebook post would be enough for me to block and never speak to her again!

She's not a friend, she's a mean girl. Look in this as a blessing. Life is too short to waste your precious time and energy on toxic people. After her behaviour, I wouldn't be even attending as a guest. I'd blow her up on the WhatsApp group in a really polite way then delete her. She will have to explain your fall out to all and sundry and people aren't daft even if they make the right noises to her face. They'll know she's been a bitch. Stop being so reasonable- she has not afforded you any kindness, respect, or acted like a decent human being at any point in this. Please listen to someone who has spent far too much time, money and energy on people who are simply not worth it.

Just sleep in it OP
I would personally stand your ground , stop being a BM and back away

She has not got any morals it appears

I'm guessing she doesn't really have any choice but to pay for the dress at this point anyway as it's been ordered so she figures you may as well wear it.
Before you make any decision, if you're considering still being bridesmaid I would ask her to provide you with a breakdown of all future costs including shoes, hair, hotel etc As others have said, it's not going to stop with the dress.

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