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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:

Eemamc · 04/12/2018 19:36

If you want your bridesmaids to wear a certain dress then the bride should pay for it. I bought 4 dresses and 4 handbags for under £250. I asked my bridesmaids to wear their own shoes and do their own hair and makeup how they wished. I also don’t get charging bridesmaids for someone to do their hair and makeup, either treat them, or expect them to do it themselves. I was asked twice as a bridesmaid if I wanted to pay £80 to have hair and makeup done. I politely declined... if I did my own hair and makeup at my own wedding i’m not paying to have it done at someone else’s! Before the wedding we also polled the groomsmen on what colour suits they all already owned. All except one had a grey suit... great! The one who didn’t was the same size as my husband, so he leant him one of his. We bought suits for the FOG, FOB and BM. and hubby of course. We bought them all matching ties and a pair of cuff links so they all matched, I think they all looked great. No need to spend vast amounts of money on these things. It’s so expensive and wasteful otherwise!

dementedmummy · 04/12/2018 19:36

Im appalled on your behalf OP.it is just trashy to ask someone to be a bridesmaid and then expect them to pay for the outfit for the day and more so when the dresses are ordered and only THEN do they have the affront to ask for payment. Have the most perfect wedding you can within your budget. I had 4 bridesmaids which thinking back was around £350 a piece including dresses, shoes, hair pieces, hair done, nails and bouquets and another £80 for my flower girl. not once would I dream of asking them for cash. It was my choice to have so many. I cannot get over how many brides think getting married means having to get everyone else to empty their wallets. Alas I fear this friendship will end because of your friends unreasonable demands. Stick to your guns - no one should go into debt for a wedding. Best of luck x

explodingkittensexpansion · 04/12/2018 19:36

I am surprised at all the outrage here. Aren't cash bars standard in the UK? Talk about 'making other people pay for your wedding.

I have never been to a wedding with a cash bar, all drink has always been provided. You don't invite guests if you can't feed them and provide drinks.

I have been to a hotel where there was a bar as well if you wanted a different drink (part from the pimms, champagne, red/white wine, port , brandy provided )

atta2006 · 04/12/2018 19:37

I have been a bridesmaid nine times and the dress was paid for by the bride on eight occasions. For the ninth, it was a low budget wedding and I was asked to wear something nice (and I wore one of my own dresses). She may not have considered the difficulty the expense will cause you in her excitement, and I agree with others that you should privately point this out. Her reaction will tell you if you wish to continue in a friendship with her....

AlwaysSomethingThere · 04/12/2018 19:39

Jessibuni - fair play mate xx

Jauralane · 04/12/2018 19:43

Omg I would never have dreamed of asking my bridesmaids to pay for their dresses!! I have been a bridesmaid 3 times, and twice I was asked to pay for my own dress...one for for my SIL who is American and it seems to be more the norm there so I wasn’t super bothered. But a good friend left me to buy my own for her wedding even though I was getting married two months later and paying for hers!!

yayhamlet · 04/12/2018 19:52

Aeroflotgir: I am well aware that alcohol is expensive, thanks. My wedding had a full cash bar, and it did cost more than the meal.

Guests should never be asked or expected to open their wallets at a hosted event though. People here keep saying 'have the wedding you can afford' and I fail to see why that doesn't seem to apply to drinks. If you cant afford to provide alcohol to your guests, then you probably shouldn't have any.

VisitorsEntrance · 04/12/2018 20:14

If she was any kind of friend then she would understand.
She isn’t a friend.

Aragog · 04/12/2018 20:14

yayhamlet

My experience is that SOME alcohol is provided. So normally, a drink on arrival, approximately half a bottle of wine per person for during the meal, a glass of fizzy stuff for a toast and then sometimes an after dinner liquor type drink.

People can then buy additional drinks at the bar if they require anything more.

Aragog · 04/12/2018 20:15

If you cant afford to provide alcohol to your guests, then you probably shouldn't have any

IME most people would prefer the opportunity of a cash bar to purchase their own alcohol than the hosts to dictate no alcohol at all because they can't afford it.

Supermummy88 · 04/12/2018 20:17

I was in the same situation as you not long ago.

For my friends registry wedding she had a nail party which cost £80. The bridesmaid dress was £90 and hair and makeup £100, which we all had to pay for ourselves. We also went on a hen night which cost about £400.

Her religious ceremony wedding is abroad in 3 months time and that will be costing £700 for flights and hotel, I will also have to take spending money aswel. I have a LO aswel.

It’s such a difficult decision to make. I personally didnt do any of this my wedding and I wouldn’t have expected anyone to spend. It just depends on the type of person you are.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 04/12/2018 20:22

I think it's fine not to provide alcohol if you can't afford it (although a few free drinks or bottles on the table is nice) BUT asking bridesmaids to pay through the nose for a load of stuff they don't get to choose is ridiculous. I'm comfortably off but I wouldn't spend £250 on a dress, asking a single mum to is beyond ridiculous.

mastertomsmum · 04/12/2018 20:23

in olde days of yore when i got married, Dad paid for everything

Muffmonday · 04/12/2018 20:26

I paid for my dress when I was bridesmaid for my best friend.
I realise this is not the norm for most, but my friend was very upfront from the beginning and although my circumstances were different from her other friends (single parent on low income), she was considerate and her mum even took me to one side to offer to pay for mine. I declined, but made it clear it would have to be done in installments. They were fine with that and the I asked the same when it was my turn a year later. Although I made it clear that they could wear a dress they chose themselves so they would feel comfortable and told them (there was just my sister and best friend) that if they didn't want to there would be no offence taken.
I think the OPs friend is no friend at all. The Facebook post is out of order.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 04/12/2018 20:42

If it’s your wedding then you pay.
Of course if your bridesmaids choose to pay then that’s their choice but it should never be expected that the bridesmaids should pay.

Long live eloping in Gretna green I say!! 😂

SianyLou11 · 04/12/2018 20:42

I paid for the bridesmaids dresses at my wedding and wore one brought for me at my BIL’s wedding. I have been a bridesmaid where I paid for my own dress but this was agreed from the start so we all knew what we were getting into. As far as I’m aware it isn’t the norm.
I would explain that you weren’t clear that you needed to pay for your own dress and unfortunately even tho you would love to be a bridesmaid on her special day that you really can’t afford it.

Tjzmummabear · 04/12/2018 20:43

I paid for all three of BM dresses and all three flower girls at my wedding :)

Tjzmummabear · 04/12/2018 20:44

The cheapest for a flowergirl was 160 gbp

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 04/12/2018 20:46

@Alfie190 definitely not the norm.
Google isn’t a fact factory! 😂

delboysskinandblister · 04/12/2018 20:48

@Bridezilla1

what month in Summer are they getting married?

Nearly47 · 04/12/2018 20:51

Are you coming back OP? Are you still going to the wedding?

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 20:52

Been a BM several times only once paid for my own attire as low budget wedding and only instruction was 'wear something nice'.

The more I read about Irish weddings here, the more I'm astonished how anyone affords to serve in one or attend. Apparently you're supposed to pay for expensive hen do's, your own BM dress, pay loads to stay in hotels for it, pay for your drinks and provide a lot of money as a cash gift, too. How do ordinary people afford this more than a one off?

Avrannakern · 04/12/2018 20:55

Nothing really to add other than I’m so sorry. I’m a single mum as well, and I simply wouldn’t be able to manage an expense like this. If any of my friends responded the way she has then they would no longer be a friend.

There’s a post above with a great idea on what to comment on her fab status. Do it. She deserves the public flaming.

LegoAdventCalendar · 04/12/2018 20:56

OP won't be back, probably agreed to the dress and to pay her after Christmas and will only be back to complain about all the expense of the hen-do's and the wedding and the request for money as a gift. Always the same with this type of entitled bride.

Port1ajazz · 04/12/2018 21:06

Dear Bridezilla , if it were me , difficult though it will be put the ball in her court and just explain the situation and see what she says . It could be she doesn't understand your situation and if explained she will help in someway .

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