To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

I think weddings sometimes show who your real friends are. In this case, she's showing she isn't a real friend to you.

Actually I have been a bridesmaid 3 times and paid for my own dress every time, apart from when it was my sisters wedding and I was still at primary school, so mother paid for it. Both my bridesmaids paid for their own dresses at my wedding, though I paid for my flowergirl’s dress. However there was none of the fancy multiple hen do’s, just a group of friends going round the pubs.
You should all have discussed the logistics at the start, therefore while I do not think it is unfair to ask you to play for dresses, I think she is very unfair to insist on choosing the dresses and the bridesmaids should all have had a discussion on what style, colour and cost (obviously with input from the bride). When there have been a few expensive dinners to discuss things, why was this not one of the topics? Plus, why did you all need to go out, I would have thought a nice meal, or afternoon tea, with a few glasses at the brides home would have been more constructive.
She is being very unfair to expect you to go away for a long weekend when you have a young child.

I paid for my bridesmaid dresses and have always had mine paid for too. Jewellery to match dresses is usually given as a thank you to bridesmaid gifts. Can’t understand why you would be expected to pay?

Sorry I should say I paid for my bridesmaid’s dresses as in when I was a bride!

Any update OP?

it's a bit of karma that she has paid for the dresses (if she really has yet) and then assume you would pay for the one you would be expected to wear.

I’ve been a bridesmaid 7 times and of those only once did I have to pay for my dress, which was expensive- I paid for my bridesmaid’s dresses at my wedding!!

I am sorry but could not now concider this person a friend had I been treated like this.

I think YAB a little U. It’s fairly common for bridesmaids to pay for their dress.

Could you ask to go halves, or set up some sort of payment plan with her?

homeishere, This thread would appear to show you that you're in the minority thinking its fairly common.

The bride normally pays for the bridesmaids dresses, especially if they're choosing them! If she expected you to pay then she should have been upfront about it but should also expect that you may not be able to.

Brides are increasingly mean these days.
We were on a tight budget when we married. My dress was off the sale rail & a real bargain. We paid for the two bridesmaids' dresses to be made in a style of their choice, but in the same antique gold fabric. They were lovely and a bit of a bargain as the seamstress was very reasonable. Each dress cost more than mine & I didn't begrudge a penny.

Not normal and really 'off' to expect your bridesmaids to pay for their dresses.
I am a comfortably off woman of 56 and apart from the hire cost of my own wedding dress donkey's years ago have never spent that much on an item of clothing that I have chosen for myself. Expecting this is an excellent example of CFery! Sadly there may be more of this behaviour to come.

She should have factored in cost of the bm dresses. If you can’t afford them then scale down your wedding.

THIS

What a nasty cheeky bitch.
I know you don’t want to make a drama and upset the friendship OP, but is this woman really a true friend if this is how she behaves.

My ex best friend was getting married. She asked me to be her MOH. I chauffeured her mother and sisters down to Devon for her hen do and also took her sister home afterwards when I didn’t really have the time to as I had a train to catch once I got back.

Then she planned a second hen do for a few weeks later for the girls that weren’t important enough to come to the first hen do. Just a night out with drinks. I couldn’t make that one and obviously told her this and got a nasty text the night she was out, about how disappointed she was in me and that she was giving the MOH role to another friend instead. I replied saying “your wedding do what you wish” and she backtracked for a while saying some rubbish about us both being MOH. But then on the day of her wedding it was clear the other friend had that role. We got into an argument about it a few months after her wedding where I told her how much she’d hurt me when she’d sent that text and how she’s blatantly pushed me aside to give the MOH to our other friend all because I couldn’t make a second hen do, despite being there for her main hen do and being a chauffeur to her family, in addition to how I’d aways been there for her when others weren’t. Her response was to scoff “YEAH, I KNOW!!” as in she’d done it purposely to hurt me.

From that moment I realised that after everything I’d done for this girl over the 10 yrs we’d been best pals (putting a roof over her head twice, helping her move house several times, being there for her 24/7, aways putting her feelings before my own etc) I wasn’t and hadn’t ever gotten the same in return from her and as hard as it was to do I cut her out of my life. It was like a massive weight had been lifted. No more feeling presssured to do things so she didnt have a strop, no more dealing with her aggressive and rude attitude, no more of her interfering in my relationships. No more one sided friendship.

This situation has really shown you this girls true colours. Think long and hard about whether this is a friendship that is worth saving is all I’ll say. Because from the attitude she has displayed so far it doesn’t seem like she cares all that much for your friendship and has no understanding at all of your life and situation. A good friend wouldnt put this pressure on you. A good friend wouldn’t make you feel bad for not being able to afford something. A good friend wouldn’t put stupid nasty childish memes on Facebook blatantly aimed at you.

Yahamlet Usually (and I know this varies in some circles - but all the weddings I've been to over the last 5 decades, with colleagues and friends from different places and backgrounds, so not just my family) the B&G or, historically the parents' - provide wine with the meal, often something sparkling for the toasts and usually a drink when you arrive (historically sherry but now more likely to be Pimms or Prossecco or wine). You don't really need to have more than that. If you ^choose to, then people can choose to drink as muc or as little or whatever drink they choose.
All that is very different from being expected to attend the wedding, in a frock you wouldn't choose nor have the chance to wear again, and paying 10x as much as you normally would for a dress that you actually liked and would wear again. Normally, when money is tight, you can go to a wedding in something you already have.

Gosh I bought my one bridesmaid a dress and bought a present to thank her. That’s how it goes

I am surprised at all the outrage here. Aren't cash bars standard in the UK? Talk about 'making other people pay for your wedding.

Yes, but that’s expected and it wouldn’t cost a guest £250. They can choose to have no drinks, a couple of drinks or drink the bar dry and not be forced into an upfront payment just to attend.

Bless you she sounds a monstrous “friend”. That’s a lot of money for a dress, you can get one from John Lewis or Debenhams for less than half that price. I would bail out if I were you and explain why. Anyway, she should be paying for everyone’s dresses. She sounds like the bride in Him & Her - The Wedding! If she gets nasty, just walk away. You don’t need that kind of toxicity in your life.

I have never heard of anyone having to pay for their own bridesmaids dress, and several young relatives have got married recently. In Northern Ireland it most certainly is not the custom, nor should it be. Utterly ridiculous. And hen do should be discussed to suit everyones pocket. I think hen and stag do's are ridiculous affairs now anyway. Back in the day we just had a good night out. We were too busy saving for a mortgage etc to waste all that money.

and as Starlight said we bought the bms a thank you present- usually a little bit of jewellery.

I had one bridesmaid because that was all I could afford. I would have loved to have had 4 or 5 bridesmaids, but couldn't afford the dresses, hair, make-up etc (plus extra car for them all)... I NEVER would expect them to pay for it, so I just had my sister. This so called friend of yours sounds horrific and you have now seen her true colours.

Yes we have cash bars at weddings but also most people provide drinks for free too. For example during the meal bottles of wine will be placed on the tables we also gave the guests free champagne for the toast and a drink of choice on arrival at the venue. My dad also bought a round of drinks too. So loads of free drinks .

I’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times and only paid for one of the dresses. On that occasion I was just told to get a certain colour and could have any style of dress I liked. I had 4 bridesmaids and paid for their dresses as I didn’t want anyone forking our a fortune for something they might not wear again or at least wasn’t their choice. Your friend is definitely a CF

I’m sorry but I see you losing a friend here OP. Some Brides get very injured when their wedding plans don’t go 100% their way ad she sounds like one of them. If she genuinely can’t see that this is not financially possible for you enough that she’s throwing a tantrum over it I would just send a message to her saying “I’m sorry but as a single parent my children have to be my priority above all else. I simply cannot afford a dress of this expense so I think it is best for all concerned if I step down as a bridesmaid.” And leave it at that. You may want to skip the wedding entirely to avoid the inevitable snipping from her but after everything she will either come to her senses or not. If she doesn’t then it’s no loss for you to lose a friend that didn’t care about you in the first place. If she does then you can both agree to forget and move on.

When my husband and I got married we already had two children. We had bills to pay and our families are absolutely huge. Deciding that there was no way we could afford a wedding large enough to include the whole family and not wanting to offend anyone we made the decision that being married was more important than the wedding and just had our parents and or children attend. I couldn’t afford a bridesmaid so I didn’t have one, unless you count my at the time 3 month old girl in a red frilly dress. My wedding dress was £29 and my cake was made by a relative and my bouquet also made by a relative we had a tiny wedding and took a few photos at a local castle in my dress and his suit and then went to the pub where we told family and friends that we had cake and some nibbles and that they were welcome to join us if they wished. I literally got the pub to provide £150 of their starter platters as nibbles. I was very clear that we weren’t doing official invites or reception etc and very clear that presents or cards were not expected. And at the end of the day my husband and I walked home with both of our children as the pub is literally 10 minutes from our house and we’d been drinking and it was a lovely day. 6 years later it’s the marriage that counts. Hopefully in another 10 years it’ll be the same and for another 10 years after that.

Your day will come OP and until then you have your children to care for and that comes above the pretty issues of a bridezilla!

I was a BM recently. Had to pay for the dress. And a night in a hotel. And dinner. And the venue was three hours away. The hotel was four four nights and cost nearly £1000.

The bride and I are no longer friends cause I got so angry I almost exploded.