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AIBU?

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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
mydogishot · 04/12/2018 07:54

I would've replied to fb quote with:

"I'm assuming this is a dig at me.

I just don't understand why you are having such a big do when you obviously can't afford it.

I hope you have a good day but please remember I'm here for you (just not financially, sorry)
Xx"

She's already ended your friendship and I'm a bitch.

AnneOfCleavage · 04/12/2018 08:00

I paid for each of my bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair and accessories (x3) Never occurred to me not to.

When I was a bridesmaid my dress was paid for by the bride and also my nails to be done on the day. I bought my own shoes and did my own hair plus accessories but that was reasonable i thought as she also paid for me to stay overnight at the hotel with DH who was an usher.

She is bvu and I'm so proud of you op for being upfront and saying something to her. Plenty of others would have gone into debt to save embarrassment - not that they should be of course.

Stand your ground as you are doing.

HashTagLil · 04/12/2018 09:22

That update is her showing her true colours. Listen to what she is showing you and reconsider your friendship.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/12/2018 09:26

Op she is no friend. A good friend would not behave like this full stop, and she would not expect her bridesmaids to sub her expensive wedding. You want an expensive wedding, you pay for it. These expensive meals to talk about plans, wtaf, is she that self absorbed. No consideration for other people, and if they can afford this. Thank god I had all my marbles there when I planned my modest wedding. I never lost sight of reality, and had a wedding that we could both afford. She must have been that type of character underneath and hidden, and the wedding has brought it out to the surface.

Holidayshopping · 04/12/2018 09:28

What are you going to do, OP?

Littlegreyauditor · 04/12/2018 09:56

She’s right of course, you do find out who someone is when a wedding is being planned. Unfortunately she is a git.

My bridesmaids picked their own dresses and I paid. Do you know why? I asked them to be part of my wedding but that didn’t mean that I owned them. They were adults with their own lives and opinions (and style) and not some animate mannequins positioned to reflect light on to me. A wedding is not a big game of dress up dolly, my bridesmaids were people I valued enough to want them involved in my wedding, why would I decide my vision for the photographs was more important than them?

Honestly, I have never seen anything like the way some people lose all perspective over what is basically a contract signing with a party.

Step away, OP, this vapid little girl is not your friend.

TwistedChristmas · 04/12/2018 11:03

Another OP disappears.

orphanblack1 · 04/12/2018 11:07

I’ve got 5 bridesmaids and am paying for their dresses. I’m suggesting they wear own shoes (whatever they like - no colour/style specification) as I can’t really stretch to that as well. I’ve also said I can’t pay for hair/make up but again, I’ve not specified how they are to wear it etc. I think if bride is imposing certain things on the bridesmaids then she should pay, but if not, the bridesmaids to sort selves

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee · 04/12/2018 12:10

Discussing the negative stories on ITV now

I'm
So surprised

maccaroni · 04/12/2018 12:19

My SIL asked me to be a bridesmaid (at the time I was just dating her brother, we are married too now), she did pay for my outfit (Well MIL and FIL did I expect) but bought my shoes 1/2 size too small so she could have them to wear herself afterwards!!

HashTagLil · 04/12/2018 12:33

Another OP disappears.

Most likely at work.

scubadoobie · 04/12/2018 12:39

OP, I reckon this friendship started circling the drain the day your 'friend' asked you to be a BM. It's a shitty deal but it happens. Unless she finds some empathy, I think your health will be better off without her in your life.

Boohissmiss · 04/12/2018 12:43

Macaroni no way you must have been in agony all day

Justbackfromnewwine · 04/12/2018 13:22

I don’t understand why you haven’t offered to step down?

Unless I’ve missed something your messages just sound like you’re asking her to pay for your dress. Do you still want to be a BM? You realise there’ll be more expenses to come? I can believe that she may not be able to afford it - perhaps she’s gone OTT in other areas - (or want to pay for it) but may not feel she can be so blatant as to say you can’t be one. Also if she pays for your dress after the others have paid for there’s that will create problems.
It’s obviously a misunderstanding but why not just end the drama, give both of you a way out and politely step down? All these suggestions of Facebook comments are ridiculous. You’re friends presumably? She’s cocked up and got carried away with her wedding. Just step down, attend the wedding as a regular guest and wish her well.

kingscote · 04/12/2018 13:33

"She basically said she thought it would be obvious we would be paying for our own dresses as 5x the dresses is a huge expense to her"

Then why is she having 5 bridesmaids? She sounds like yet another spoilt madam who wants a wedding way beyond her means and demands that everyone else pays for it.

maccaroni · 04/12/2018 13:47

@boohissmiss the bride and the other bridesmaid choose everything without me and then just told me what to wear! We are complete opposites in terms of colouring/body shape/hair type/colour/style. I felt horrible all day, like I'd be moulded to look like the other BM! And yes the shoes killed me, they were really high as well. When my mum saw the wedding video afterwards of me tottering down the isle, she couldn't stop laughing! Needless to say SIL and I have never been close..

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 04/12/2018 13:56

to be fair to OP Justbackfromnewwine it was the bride who put this on FB.

JustWhatINeededNow · 04/12/2018 14:26

I hate the fact people take to FB with this passive aggressive shit. It's so unnecessary and tacky.

SalemBlackCat4 · 04/12/2018 14:41

@TwistedChristmas There is a little thing called work. And life. The OP has responded quite regularly throughout. It is not like she posted and ran. Many people do have lives and many people understand this.

JudasPrudy · 04/12/2018 14:49

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Another friendship ruined because of a CFB.

BRIDEZILLAS: this is not your chance to be a princess for a day. You don't need 5 bridesmaids wearing £250 dresses. You aren't the Queen of Sheba. You're just plain old Laura Brown from Hull. Stop it.

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 04/12/2018 14:53

Another OP disappears
Not really, she has posted several updates, she has told Bridezilla that she can't afford £250 for a dress regardless.
OP most probably is working or looking after her children and until Bridezilla replies, she has nothing more to tell us.
No one is owed a running commentary

Cutesbabasmummy · 04/12/2018 15:02

It is normal to pay for your own bridesmaid dress.

Er, no, it's not! The only time I've had to contribute is when the bride had 5 bridesmaids and couldn't afford to pay for all of them. I only had two. If you can't pay for the dresses as the bride then reduce the number of bridesmaids!!!

Jaxhog · 04/12/2018 15:44

5x the dresses is a huge expense to her but we can all reuse the dresses and keep them. She said she understands my financial situation but I wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding.

Wow. Some friend (ex-friend?) she turned out to be. Hard to imagine a more insulting reply tbh.

user1471590586 · 04/12/2018 16:02

To reinforce the point about you not being able to afford the dress, ask her if she really expected you to get into debt to buy a dress you will only wear once. Also that you have had to prioritise food and heating for your kids and yourself.

BarbaraRoyale · 04/12/2018 16:19

bloody hell that must be some dress
YANBU

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