To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

After reading your updates I have to agree, she is a spoiled bitch with no concept of how money works in the real world.

If she couldn't afford 5 x $250 for dresses then she should have chosen cheaper dresses, that is not your fault.

If she wanted to get together for expensive meals to discuss her wedding (god knows why that's needed but anyway) then she should have paid for it.

She in an inconsiderate sod. I think you should actually call her, not text, so much is lost in translation when you are texting. Calling can be scary but you get it sorted, one way or another, much quicker.

I would also let the other BM's know what happened as otherwise I have no doubt that she will badmouth you and you do not deserve that.

She said she understands my financial situation but I wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding.....She has just shared a quote on Facebook about how you don't know who your real friends are until you plan a wedding

What a spiteful, nasty bitch!

This is NOT a friend, OP.
Real friends don't behave in such a presumptuous and spiteful manner....even a half decent friend wouldn't start making passive aggressive digs at you on Facebook knowing that people would soon find out it's YOU that she's talking about!

Personally, i'd be giving her a few home truths about being an entitled, pampered, selfish, self absorbed bitch......and making an equally passive aggressive post on Facebook....
Plus taking up the aforementioned suggestions of posting a link to this thread on both Facebook posts!

Am the magical unicorn UK-bridesmaid who's been asked to pay for a dress I didn't pick! The original dresses were £220 ones but luckily high street versions were found which were "only" £70. What annoyed me though how I found out- we were talking about looking for potential dresses to help the bride out and I said, "no sweat, what's the budget?", and one of the other bridesmaids just went, "oh just whatever everyone can afford!". So it had clearly been discussed, just not with me and another friend who was also BM. Tbf that was the only thing we had to pay for (aside from the pricey hen and wedding accommodation) but it was galling at the time. My DMum still talks about it.

In my situation I sucked it up because I was willing to pay £70 to preserve a friendship (or at least not let it end on bad terms) and I could afford it. But you OP, must realise that this is the thin end of the wedge. Her reaction only shows how entitled she is in relation to her wedding, and the requests for contributions will only keep coming. Better to try and bow out now somewhat graciously than sink more money into dinners, dresses, babysitters and hen dos. If she decides not to accept your very reasonable position then that's on her.

I paid for my bridesmaids' dresses but they paid for their alterations as they chosen dresses £100 over budget (each).

I have heard a few people that asked their bridesmaids to pay but word did get round and they were judged for it.

I’d comment under the FB quote saying “I’m really disappointed to see you’ve decided to be childishly passive aggressive rather than accept that not everyone has the money you require them to contribute towards your wedding. You know my circumstances, you know I’m a lone parent with a very small budget, it really cannot be a shock to you that I cannot pay £250 for your bridesmaid dress 4 weeks before Christmas as well as pay for all the meals out and associated babysitters required to attend your wedding meetings. I wish you all the best, I really do but unfortunately you’ve soured our friendship with your hurtful digs about my previous relationship and I won’t be including myself in your celebrations anymore.”

^^ This is quite wonderful. However, as much as I am enjoying the thought of doing this, it's probably best to keep things private. ... I think.

The smart thing is to stay off Facebook, but I'd be tempted to reply "That's so true!".

I'm guessing by the end of the week, the OP will be blocked on FB and uninvited from the wedding irrespective of what she does.

@OP I've read your post and updates and I'm sorry you have such a mean and selfish friend. However it's better to discover this now than further down the line when you've already invested more than you can afford in her wedding plans. She doesn't understand the concept of budgeting evidently and completely lacks compassion and empathy. I don't think you should stoop to her level by responding to the Facebook post but I absolutely think you should address your resignation as bridesmaid in the group chat. And make sure you include the reasons... that you can't afford the expense as a single mother, and since your friend isn't allowing for other budgets/ covering the cost herself as is customary, you'll have to step down. It's important you do this otherwise she'll make you look like the bad person to them.

this happened to me 15 years ago. i wish i had just had the bottle to say no and bow out because i resented it so much we barely even speak now.

just say you are very happy for her but you cannot honour the commitment.

i had to buy the dress, shoes, tiara !!! i fucking seethed... i hated every minute and that dress went in a charity bag the moment it came off....along with the shoes and stupid effing tiara.
i did my own make up and my friend who is a hair dresser did my hair. i had two children and worked part time - i really could not afford all that and i got into debt trying.
just bow out now. trust me!

Oh, what a shame! She's got caught up in the whole thing and isn't thinking straight. One day she'll cringe at the memory of that fb status.

Step down as bm 'officially'. You could comment something like 'That was mean.' simply stating a fact. She knows your circumstances and they're not going to be better magically for her wedding.

You cut your coat to suit your cloth.

That is ridiculous to expect you to spend money on fancy dinners and split when you got bare minimum, pay for a ridiculously proced bridesmaid dress, next it will be more dinners, hens do, make up, accessories, shoes and who knows what else she will think of. Probably paying for her share as she’s that bride ya know🙄.

I am Canadian and when I got married my bridesmaids dresses were simple shift sundresses that could actually be worn again! I believe my mom ended up paying for them for all three woman. My sister, SIL and exh niece. They looked lovely. I got them jewelry as their gift and they wore their own shoes. More informal outdoor wedding. My own dress was a wedding gift as my exh’s aunt and uncle used to own a bridal shop and had leftover dresses. I fell in love with one and a veil. Done😁

As a friend she should somewhat know your living circumstances and that you don’t have the finances to fork out for what she is wanting. Her whole attitude is mean spirited and bridezilla like.

Message on the WhatsApp group saying that you are stepping down as a bridesmaid due to the spiralling cost and the hurtful things said by Bridezilla who has turned out not to be the good friend you thought she was.

This is how things have changed, people now have over the top expensive weddings which drag on and include trips abroad for hen dos and they expect other people to contribute and be able to afford it. I have friends on their 3rd marriage, having huge weddings and expect friends to keep shell out each time. It is expensive to just attend a wedding, let alone the other stuff, she may have saved for years but it was just sprung on you. I was a bridesmaid many times as a child, it was tradition for the bride/family to pay for the dress, so they normally only had 1 or 2 . My mother could never have afforded to buy a new dress in their different colour schemes each time. I also was growing so would never wear the dresses again, not that they were suitable for any thing else, not even parties as they were all pretty ghastly. Your friend should have considered your circumstances, not just financially but time wise wise. I never went to one dinner, these things were not dragged out, I just went to fittings and just turned up on the day. As an older bridesmaid, I just supported my friends, was there for them and they did not even need to pay for hair and make up, as I could do it. I even made the dresses as a gift for some. Good times were had with bottles on wine together at home which everyone could afford and nobody needed a babysitter.

Honestly this is the best thing that could have happened!
It's forced your hand into retiring as a bridesmaid for someone who will be a COMPLETE bridezilla.

Costs will spiral, that weekend away will be the bridesmaids 'chipping in' for extra treats for her that you would have struggled with. She'll decide she wants you to all get your make up done by 'X' expensive place.

  If she is a good friend usually, bite your tongue, tell her you simply can't commit to the role but wish her well, offer to help practically where possible and then sit back and wait until she has a few kids or comes down off her wedding cloud and realises what a massive tit she's been <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Grin" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/grin-D7Eg_B6y.png">

Absolutely the Bride should pay for bridesmaids dresses.

‘You wouldn’t know the cost of a wedding’

I would send this message;

‘You woundnt know the cost of raising two children ALONE, especially mere weeks before Christmas! You have a h2b on a generous income, I have one income which has to feed, clothe, put a roof over their head and buy gifts for my dc! A friend would realise that demanding money to cover her wedding costs, this close to Christmas would be incredibly selfish! A good friend would realise that as a single parent, I don’t have the same disposable income that they have. They would never expect me to spend ridiculous money on posh restaurants to discuss her wedding, knowing that spending that money was taking food out of my children’s mouths! A friend close enough to want me to be their bridesmaid, should realise all of the above, they certainly shouldn’t expect me to spend £250 on a bloody ridiculous dress, that I will never wear again, when I don’t have £250 to spend on buying Christmas gifts for my children!

Or am I to prioritise funding your wedding over feeding and clothing my children?

Your passive aggressive meme is almost right, ‘you don’t realise what kind of person your friend is, until they turn into a spoilt bridezella who expects you to prioritise spending £250 on a naice dress over feeding, clothing and enjoying Christmas with your children!

It is clear that I am going to have to withdraw from being your bridesmaid. Good luck in finding a new bm who is happy to cough up £250 this side of Christmas’

But then I am mad on your behalf! I had two bridesmaids, I wanted one more but I couldn’t afford to buy a third dress. Not only did I buy the dresses, I let my bridesmaids choose them, as I wanted them to get a dress that they would both wear again! We bought two beautiful dresses from monsoon and both of my bridesmaids got wear out of their dresses again.

Your ‘friend’ if you can call her that, is a self entitled narcissist! You need better people/ friends around you OP! Your friend doesn’t have an ounce of empathy! I hope that things didn’t escalate and leave you upset! You don’t need assholes in your life, it sounds like you have already got rid of one asshole, time for you to get rid of another!

Wow this is bonkers. Like others have said, if the bride chooses, she pays. We paid for the dresses, hair, nails and make up for my bridesmaids, plus matching waistcoats for the ushers. When you choose to get married and have a wedding, you bloody well budget for it rather than having your best mates subsidise the day! Have you discussed who's paying for the other extras? Odds are you'll get a bill. I'd back out now before the costs pile up.

I think I would take this as a cue to privately message her once more withdrawing as a Bridesmaid citing the reasons you've already explained. Wish her all the best for the day and accept that for now your friendship is under review.

After that meme on Facebook, she will of course have told the other Bridesmaids and most likely other friends and family about how you are sooooo unreasonable and try to ruin her big day. Can you imagine what they are saying about you OP behind your back.

The4thSandersonSister - if the Bridezilla tells everyone that the OP is refusing to buy her own bridesmaid dress (obviously because it is way out of the OP's budget), I would imagine they are going to be talking about the Bridezilla's meanness behind her back, not about the OP's comparative poverty, surely?

@MerdedeBrexit Quite. But would the OP feel comfortable going forward as a Bridesmaid or even attending the Wedding? The Bride has flown her colours and the other Bridesmaids may be supportive of her even if they secretly agree with the OP. I don't think the other Bridesmaids have no connection to OP so no loyalty.

Have you replied yet to her spiteful reply OP?

I keep reading the updates and am getting more incensed on your behalf by the second. If you are anything like me, I imagine you are feeling sick to the core about it too, as apart from anything else, this is someone who was supposed to be a good friend. I think I would now text the whattsapp group, say 'sorry, hadn't wanted this to become public but after your comment on facebook I am stepping down as no, it's not that I don't understand the cost of a wedding, you clearly don't understand the cost of anything. Including friendship.' And then i would remove myself the whattsapp group and not give her a second thought, and go and enjoy Christmas x

That’s ridiculous. The bride should pay. I’d politely decline the ‘honour ‘ of being her bridesmaid.

I just can’t get my head round having to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. Why would you pay ££ for a dress you have no choice over and are very unlikely to wear again?? Even more casual bridesmaid dresses are unlikely to be worn again.
The bride and groom decided to get married so they should pay for all the this entails (except accommodation unless it’s miles and miles away) or they accept people will not be able to either come as a guest or part of the day.

Discussing the negative stories on ITV now.

Sorry, wrong thread due to so slooooooow iPad but only have this issue on this site.