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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
LMDC · 03/12/2018 22:45

I’d comment under the FB quote saying “I’m really disappointed to see you’ve decided to be childishly passive aggressive rather than accept that not everyone has the money you require them to contribute towards your wedding. You know my circumstances, you know I’m a lone parent with a very small budget, it really cannot be a shock to you that I cannot pay £250 for your bridesmaid dress 4 weeks before Christmas as well as pay for all the meals out and associated babysitters required to attend your wedding meetings. I wish you all the best, I really do but unfortunately you’ve soured our friendship with your hurtful digs about my previous relationship and I won’t be including myself in your celebrations anymore.”

^also agree with this

Birdie6 · 03/12/2018 22:49

I paid for mine - and they selected them. I'd never dream of asking them to pay.

In your situation I'd say ( not on group chat of course) that you hadn't realised how expensive this was going to be and that you can't go forward with being bridesmaid. That way she'll have time to ask someone else if she wants a particular number. Don't be embarrassed - I've done it and she got over it.

Chickenitalia · 03/12/2018 22:49

Wow, just wow. Please just say you can’t be a bridesmaid and walk away from the drama. She will keep this rumbling on otherwise as I expect she’s already ordered the dress now. Nasty comments on fb are just horrible and show how skewed her thinking has become.

She might have been a friend once, but I think this shows how far apart you really are. Sorry op, that must be very painful for you. Better to cut your losses now and back out, and make sure you put a polite message on the bridesmaids group explaining your position so it can’t be twisted. Ignore everything else, your dc and their well-being come first. She may see this in the future, she may not, but that’s her loss. You know other things are what matters.

Motoko · 03/12/2018 22:50

You know, not being able to afford extravagances like £250 bridesmaid dresses, and expensive restaurants, is really nothing to be embarrassed about. When she said about splitting the bill at the restaurant, why didn't you just say you'd pay for your own?

Bluntness100 · 03/12/2018 22:50

Op, as much as it may not be the norm to pay for your bridesmaids dress it is very common. I'm sorry. I've been a bridesmaid three times and paid twice. And that was over two decades ago. So it's not a new thing.

However she's being nasty, and I suspect that's because you haven't offered to drop out, your texts may read to her you wish her to buy your dress and you still want to be bridesmaid, so she's now thinking you're the cheeky fucker, as she sees the bridesmaid paying as the norm.

I think I would text her and say you will drop out because of it and you don't expect her to buy thr dress, it was just a lack of understanding. And leave it there.

Findingdotty · 03/12/2018 22:50

Personally I think that brides should pay for the bridesmaids dresses. However I do think it's your own responsibility to check these things with the bride a bit earlier than you have.

If you really want to be a bridesmaid, could you pay her in installments.

However if this were me I would be saying no to being a bridesmaid and just enjoying the wedding. It sounds like there will be lots more to pay for before the wedding otherwise. I imagine she will expect a few more dinners and perhaps beauty sessions, nails, etc.

RedWineMaureen63 · 03/12/2018 22:51

If you were a bridesmaid for my wedding (god forbid i waste money on another worthless sausage hog) I would have you immediately EXPELLED from my group of bridesmaids . I have been a single parent for too many years to count and during that time I have been to multiple weddings (some even my own). But I never once didn't pay for a bridesmaid dress. If I couldn't afford it I would explain the situation to the bride to be and we would come to an agreement. One time she refused so I came to the wedding wearing my Las Vegas clothes. That was when I met my 3rd husband when he was still with his first wife :)

Motoko · 03/12/2018 22:52

It's not that common Bluntness, you just have to read the hundreds of posts on this thread to see that.

Tistheseason17 · 03/12/2018 22:53

YANBU.
What everyone else has said. Shitty "friend"

Ariesgirl1988 · 03/12/2018 22:55

@ bridezilla1

She basically said she thought it would be obvious we would be paying for our own dresses as 5x the dresses is a huge expense to her but we can all reuse the dresses and keep them. She said she understands my financial situation but I wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding.

You so called friend is a spiteful bitch as you yourself pointed out her H2B and her earn a lot of money and I'm sure their parents are helping out to foot the bill. This is cheeky fuckery of the highest order! and as for the " you can reuse the dresses and keep them" remark is frankly a cop out! She says she thought it was obvious as the cost of the dresses is too much for her yet she expects her friends to foot the bill for dresses she picked out but apparently can't afford to pay for! she is clearly not your friend with her "you don't understand the cost of a wedding" remark a true friend would say " so sorry about that I understand completely hope you will still come to my wedding" and who the fuck has expensive dinners to discuss her plans?!?! does your friend really think you and the others really have that much free time and money to meet to discuss her fucking wedding? the woman is living in cuckoo land if she really believes that!

When my friend got married (thankfully she didn't ask me to be a BM bless her she knows its not my thing) she paid for her BM's dresses and did let them pick but told them upfront there is a budget and if they go over it they will have to pay the extra which is fair enough. She paid for most of her hen night and only asked us to pay £5 towards the meal and that any alcoholic drinks out of her hen party deal will be footed by us again fair enough as not everyone was a drinker so why should they pay for drinks they aren't having. Bridezilla's really need to be put in their places! I've heard some horror stories over the years the worst being the bride told every BM that they had to be a specific dress size and that those who don't meet it must lost weight and all had to grow their hair to a specific length! funnily enough all the BM's pulled out and it ruined the friendship Hmm

1sttimeDD · 03/12/2018 22:58

Gosh, I got married earlier in the year and one of my bridesmaids lives on the other side of the country. I ordered the dress to be delivered to her directly, then paid for it and wired her the money to pay for shoes & alterations. I wouldn't have dreamt of asking any of my bridesmaids to foot the bill themselves! I simply chose what I knew I could afford!

You need to be honest with her. If she is asking you to pay and you can't afford it, tell her. She is clearly a close friend so she will be well aware of your single parent/financial situation.

MrDonut · 03/12/2018 22:58

It’s so kind of her to say you can keep the dress you paid hundreds for 🤦‍♀️

Streambeam · 03/12/2018 23:03

Drop out. Rven if she pays for the dress, you will go through this again and again. The hen party. The haor and makeup. They shoes and jewellery. Accommodation before and after the wedding itself. Just get out, now.

loosenknot · 03/12/2018 23:03

I'd be polite and non confrontation and say - not on the main chat page, it's her wedding so just do it graciously in a message - you're so sorry - you hadn't realised how the money would rack up - you can' afford it - and so you can pull out now and she can find someone else more suitable. tell her that there will be no bad feeling, that you're happy to be there on the day cheering her on or doing other chores she might like, and then gracefully bow out and leave her to terrorise the poor other suckers who have gone along with it.

Emelene · 03/12/2018 23:05

She does not sound kind or considerate OP! I had 6 bridesmaids in the end (no groomsmen) and paid for all their dresses, shoes , hair etc. As I wanted all my bridesmaids and didn't have a huge budget I bought the dresses online for £30 each and high street shoes. They looked lovely and I had everyone I wanted there as my bridesmaid.

You haven't done anything wrong and you shouldn't feel embarrassed in the slightest about not being able to afford hundreds of pounds to fund her day just before Christmas.

caringcarer · 03/12/2018 23:09

Agree with werewolf I would do as she suggests. Good advice.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 03/12/2018 23:13

Wonder if the DM has got wind of this yet? If so OP won't have to respond to FB update as she'll be well and truly outed

arethereanyleftatall · 03/12/2018 23:21

What do you actually want from this op?
Do you want her to pay for your dress?
Or do you want to drop out as bridesmaid?
Because if it's the latter, as most people here are suggesting, you haven't actually said that to her in your texts.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 03/12/2018 23:22

Do you know the other bridesmaids well? Do you care what they think? Just thinking that Bridezilla is bound to relate to them what has happened, but I'm pretty sure it won't paint you in a good light. If you care about that, it might be worth putting your side of things out there first.

VictoryOrValhalla · 03/12/2018 23:23

If you were a bridesmaid for my wedding (god forbid i waste money on another worthless sausage hog) I would have you immediately EXPELLED from my group of bridesmaids . I have been a single parent for too many years to count and during that time I have been to multiple weddings (some even my own). But I never once didn't pay for a bridesmaid dress. If I couldn't afford it I would explain the situation to the bride to be and we would come to an agreement. One time she refused so I came to the wedding wearing my Las Vegas clothes. That was when I met my 3rd husband when he was still with his first wife smile

😂😂😂

I can’t work out who you’re supposed to be?

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 23:24

You know, not being able to afford extravagances like £250 bridesmaid dresses, and expensive restaurants, is really nothing to be embarrassed about. When she said about splitting the bill at the restaurant, why didn't you just say you'd pay for your own?

I do agree with Motoko on this. This is someone you were presumably very close to, if she asked me to be her bridesmaid.

BMW6 · 03/12/2018 23:43

OP it is sooooooo simple really.

Ditch the bitch.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/12/2018 23:54

Near the run up of the wedding it will only get costlier. I would just bail, she is no friend, a true friend would totally understand and would not make her bridesmaids pay for expensive dresses of her choosing, and expensive dinners to 'talk' about wedding plans, especially knowing your financial situation. She is no friend, the wedding has brought out the worse in her, which you have just discovered.

StoppinBy · 03/12/2018 23:55

--Ask her to pay for your dress and then after the wedding you cover the cost of dry cleaning and then return it to her so she can sell it on.
That's what happened when I was a bridesmaid on both occasions.--

I disagree, if she wants to take it back and onsell then she can wash it at her own expense. Why should the bridesmaid be out of pocket so that the bride can make some of her money back?

itsfuckingnotducking · 03/12/2018 23:55

God she's horrible, I'd block her and never speak to her again. Posting that PA stuff on Facebook is pathetic. I would've have apologised either. I'd comment on her post "£250 for a bridesmaid dress would mean either 1. Not paying my rent 2. Not feeding my children 3. Not buying my children Christmas presents. Stop being so entitled and grow up."

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