To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

[bridezilla1]

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

Get out now.

Bride is an absolute bitch. I’d back out of being a bridesmaid if I were you. She will bitch about you and out a load of tosh on Facebook. Defriend her. She’s no good for you. A true friend would not be making you feel like shit

@scaredandindebt ahhh I’m sick and that just sent me into a coughing fit while trying to laugh

Oh and brides pay for bridesmaid dresses. If she can’t afford 5 dresses, she shouldn’t have 5 bridesmaids or choose expensive dresses.

That’s terrible. I’m getting married next year and I understood it to be a given I pay for my BM dresses. Never considered anything else.

🤔 Is she by any chance the type of woman who drinks prosecco, watches love island, instagrams her lunch, has shitty acrylic nails/ fake tan, considers herself middle class and has managed to plan a £25,000 wedding despite her and DP renting their home and having cars in finance?

I worked in an office once which was full of these types of women and it was the only time I ever heard CF’ery of this magnitude! Expecting people attend massive foreign hen parties costing hundreds and posing for colour co-ordinated (standard) group photos! 🤢

What an awful way to behave!

Certainly not friendly.

When I planned my wedding (didn't go through with It in the end - cancelled about a month before so everything was planned) I told my bridesmaids to pick a dress they wanted. Just had to be navy blue. Plenty of scope for buying a dress they could use again.

I asked them to pay for their dresses but I didn't expect them to pay a ridiculous amount of money for their dresses. One of them had 2 children, the other a low paying job and she was going through a divorce.

The fact that she's put a PA post on FB shows you that she's being more unreasonable than you originally thought.

Maybe it's time to decline from being a bridesmaid and let her cool off? You don't treat friends this way, make them feel humiliated about their finances and demand things they cannot fulfil.

oP, sadly she’s now proved she’s no friend of yours. I’m not wealthy but if my friend can’t afford a day out then I pay, that’s how friends treat each other.

If £250 is nothing to her and you mean a lot then she should be happy to pay so that you will be there.

I’d messages WhatsApp simply saying that you are withdrawing because you simply can’t afford it on your very tight budget, just so the others know the truth. Don’t get drawn into an argument. Leave it at that.

I have never heard of a bridesmaid paying for their own dress before. Do you know any of the other bridesmaids? I can't believe they are ok with it. Definitely tell her you can't afford it.

*I’d comment under the FB quote saying “I’m really disappointed to see you’ve decided to be childishly passive aggressive rather than accept that not everyone has the money you require them to contribute towards your wedding. You know my circumstances, you know I’m a lone parent with a very small budget, it really cannot be a shock to you that I cannot pay £250 for your bridesmaid dress 4 weeks before Christmas as well as pay for all the meals out and associated babysitters required to attend your wedding meetings. I wish you all the best, I really do but unfortunately you’ve soured our friendship with your hurtful digs about my previous relationship and I won’t be including myself in your celebrations anymore.”

This, although it's probably too kind. What she really deserves is a good telling off for her ridiculous sense of entitlement and passive aggressive bitchiness.

Is this for real? If so why are you even contemplating it? You actually can't afford it so that's your answer full stop.
She isn't your friend, she will be bad mouthing you now to anyone who will listen and make life uncomfortable for you. Get out now before it gets worse. She's not a friend!

No true friend would make you feel small like this. She is a horrible nasty twat.

Debrett's definitely lists the outfits for the bridal party (bridesmaids, flower girls, ushers, best man, etc) as an expense for the bride and groom to pay. I mean, really do you think at these Royal weddings they were like, ok and I need you all to Paypal 1300 pounds to me by next week? I think in the US, there is less emphasis on all the dresses being the same, so the bride will just request the bridemaids wear something blue and they can choose their own style or use something they already own.

I think you should probably step down as a bridesmaid. It's a shame that you may lose the friendship, but she hasn't been very nice to you, so maybe that's for the best anyway.

What an entitled bitch she is. Absolutely no manners, no class. Get rid

Your friend is completely lacking in any class what so ever!

I've been a bridesmaid 4 times and I've never been asked to pay a penny towards being a bridesmaid and I paid for everything for my bridesmaids and matron of honor,dress,shoes,jewellery,hair and make up,flowers everything and we bought them all lovely gifts as keep sakes.

At the end of the day the Bride to be isn't doing the bridesmaid any favours the bridesmaid is the one that's agreeing to do something for the bride,it is the brides choice so the bride should pay!

How about this for a reply.
Sorry I have decided that I don't want to pay to be a bridesmaid... We could eBay it as a buy it now, I am sure some sucker will make a bid...

As a bride I bought all my bridesmaids dresses; as a bridesmaid (have been three times) the bride has always bought the dresses. Why you'd be paying for it and such a huge amount when it's not a dress that you would otherwise chose to buy is crazy

Hope you are ok OP this all sounds really horrible and stressful.

To be honest I can't stand it when people do those stupid passive aggressive things on Facebook I would write her off for that anyway it's lame!

Hold your head up high you have done nothing wrong and what will he will be. I bet the other bridesmaids wished they stood up to her now too!!

Can't believe bridesmaids have paid for their own dresses, that's terrible. Never ever heard in real life having to pay for a bridesmaid dress. I've been bridesmaid 5 times, I had 4 when I got married, never has a bridesmaid had to pay- in all circumstances the bride paid for the dress, hair, make up, wedding jewellery, bag and on a few occasions shoes (if needed).
Sounds like she might be trying to push you out and she doesn't sound like a real friend. She should know roughly your financial situation. I would pull out quickly!

Any response the OP puts on her wall, however, she'll just delete. Best to just keep it to private message as you have, but trying to hang onto this bridesmaid issue is only going to cost you more and more money you can ill afford. She's one of those people who feels very entitled to spend others' money on herself and her wedding so she'll never be inclined to see your point of view.

You must stand down from being bridesmaid, and don’t say ‘as a single mum I can’t afford that sort of money for a dress’, just say that it is outrageous to expect anyone to spend £250 on a dress. . I’ve been married twice & both my outfits together didn’t total £250 as the bride .

I can’t believe your friend is so rude.

I’m appalled at her behaviour. You should send her this thread, maybe she’ll realise how wrong she is.

Hi, how would you like this to play out? there are many very justifiable responses here that would kill the friendship for good. However if you want to keep on good terms, ignore the fb post and call her texting will just get snappy at each other and escalate an already stressful situation. Far easier to explain properly over the phone, you can then deflect on to happier conversations.

If she is any kind of friend this will just be the stress talking

Good luck

This woman sounds spoilt and spiteful!
'You wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding' what a nasty thing to say to you knowing what your ex did! Being a bride to be/wedding stress isn't an excuse to be a nasty bitch! I'd be cutting her from your life until/if she has the decency to apologise.

I don't think it is for much to ask your bridesmaids to pay for their own dresses if they get to choose it themselves (it's quite an American thing apparently), but to ask for £250 for a dress you've not chosen is taking the piss. I had a budget friendly wedding with 5 bridesmaids and paid for all their dresses myself. Kept the budget to £50 per dress. All I asked was they provide their own shoes and to contribute to half the cost of make up/hair if they wanted it. Which I don't think was unreasonable as I know not everyone wants to spend hundreds on someone else's wedding!

What a bitch. How privileged to not realise that £250 is really important to a lot of people. I wouldn't want to lose it/be easily able to accommodate it without warning. Pah!

So she's:

1. Had meals out in expensive restaurants, splitting the bill when you weren't drinking
2. Been unbelievably insensitive about you not being married
3. Ordered expensive dresses without indicating you're paying for it
4. Unable to remember the struggles you've been through financially
5. Unable to do basic maths and work out your incomes and outgoings are drastically different.

Why is she going to suddenly turn around and be kind in this?

Step down as BM now before she begrudgingly offers to pay for the dress.