Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 03/12/2018 21:37

I’d comment under the FB quote saying “I’m really disappointed to see you’ve decided to be childishly passive aggressive rather than accept that not everyone has the money you require them to contribute towards your wedding. You know my circumstances, you know I’m a lone parent with a very small budget, it really cannot be a shock to you that I cannot pay £250 for your bridesmaid dress 4 weeks before Christmas as well as pay for all the meals out and associated babysitters required to attend your wedding meetings. I wish you all the best, I really do but unfortunately you’ve soured our friendship with your hurtful digs about my previous relationship and I won’t be including myself in your celebrations anymore.”

^This, a 100 times over.

clairedelalune · 03/12/2018 21:38

Ooh i like victory's response

fruityb · 03/12/2018 21:38

Not rtft all the way but I asked my bridesmaids to get shoes but I paid for dresses and hair. Would not have occurred to me not to! And my hen do cost £30 a head as we had a meal - I wouldn’t dream of charging everyone loads. It’s a bit vulgar!

Weddings are where you invite people to celebrate with you - you provide as much as you can! We laid on a bus for hotels, wine on tables, bought everyone a drink when they arrived, paid for hotel rooms...

That’s just hideous asking you to do that!

WhatchaMaCalllit · 03/12/2018 21:38

I would have to agree with whoever up post suggested that you reply under her FB post "I couldn't agree more" and leave it at that.

I'd also consider waiting a day or two (to give her her the impression that you've had a chance to think about the situation) and let her know "Hi X, I've really struggled on what to do following our recent messages about your upcoming wedding and the surprise announcement that we are expected to buy our bridesmaid dress. As I mentioned, it simply isn't possible for me to buy a dress of that value that I will only wear on the day so based on that, I have come to the decision that the only reasonable thing that can be done is for me to step down as a bridesmaid. Please allow me to wish you well, have a Happy Christmas and to say that I will not be convinced to change my mind."

Then ignore ignore ignore.

best of luck to you

Miggeldy · 03/12/2018 21:38

Bail on the wedding.
She's not your friend.

mumsastudent · 03/12/2018 21:39

whenever I see the programs where there is a bride showing off or being difficult re wedding plans or her wedding dress I always wonder how long their marriage will last - because anyone that selfish or self obsessed isn't likely to find it easy to make a relationship work - you have to wonder what the groom sees in her. So making bitchy remarks about you is really beyond the pale & you need to walk away from such a creep - if you had continued with this wedding I bet there would have been a lot more scenes & general nastiness - you are well out of it op - & you are a better nicer woman than that (suitable expletive) idiot.

MrDonut · 03/12/2018 21:39

That wasn’t a very kind response from her. She doesn’t sound very nice Sad

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 03/12/2018 21:42

It'd crazy someone is expecting you to pay half the cost of a holiday, for a one off dress, for privilege of helping them celebrate one day, when they know you just can't afford it. Saying you're not a true friend is just horrible and immature, a true friend wouldn't be putting any pressure on you about finances and would just be happy to see you at the wedding...not be making snide comments and wanting you to get into debt so you match in photos! Please step down from bridesmaid duties you've already spent so much and she clearly isn't grateful in the slightest

GunpowderGelatine · 03/12/2018 21:42

I have to say it's astounds me that women need several meals out purely to discuss their wedding with their mates. Don't they realise that no one cares? What happened to just turning up on the day? Who does she think she is, Victoria Beckham?

mcmooberry · 03/12/2018 21:43

Yes, please use the paragraph that VoV has posted above it sums up the situation perfectly. You cannot reason with unreasonable people like your "friend".

username48693727283 · 03/12/2018 21:43

Victory has it spot on. Sorry OP she sounds like a crap friend.

GunpowderGelatine · 03/12/2018 21:43

And it's absolutely not up to the bridesmaids to pay for their dresses!

LegoAdventCalendar · 03/12/2018 21:44

Wow! Even without the dress, this is going to cost you too much. These meals out to plan, WTAF? Sorry but this would be the end of it for me. Hanging onto someone like this is flogging a dead horse because ultimately she doesn't truly care for you.

VictoryOrValhalla · 03/12/2018 21:47

I don’t understand the meals out either. Surely you can discuss everything via the group chat. The only thing you needn’t to get together for is the dress fitting surely? And if you really must meet your human dolls bridesmaids face to face them invite them to your house and give them food and wine!

stayathomer · 03/12/2018 21:48

The worst thing about people who don't understand and won't accept other people's circumstances is that someday she'll be in the exact same situation as you are now but you can bet she won't be as understanding as you are. The term 'bridezilla' can be so apt, sorry OP (because she is/was your friend)

LegoAdventCalendar · 03/12/2018 21:48

I agree wit SGB, I'd stick to a very clear message to her that I need to step down due to finances and leave the ball in her court. The expensive meals out to plan should have been your first clue, though, for future reference.

With any luck she'll not invite you to the wedding because for sure that will cost a bomb, too.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2018 21:48

I know it's tempting, but I really can't agree with sending snippy messages on blasted Facebook. If Bridezilla has anything about her she'll realise what she's done and if she hasn't she won't, but it's hard to see how escalating it will help

Better, surely, to keep the messages private, say she's been hurtful if you wish and just back out with your dignity intact. To anyone with a brain it's then her who'll look unreasonable, not you

KeiTeNgeNge · 03/12/2018 21:49

Any response from her op? Are you still a bridesmaid?

MaisyPops · 03/12/2018 21:52

Bridesmaids don't pay for their dresses.

They do in the US typically where wedding parties are massive.
UK wedding parties are usually smaller and the couple pays.

I have a feeling some people are watching too many say yes to the dress shows and forgetting this.

I'm with other posters who find themselves wondering if the bridezillas in the world put as much into making their marriage and friendships work as they do a wedding.

GunpowderGelatine · 03/12/2018 21:53

Just RTFT.

OP you sound lovely and you're a great friend who's already made a lot of effort for Bridezilla's over-expensive me me me party, I mean, wedding. She's a total bitch and you deserve better. How pathetic that she's done that on social media. She'll be the type that, when she has kids and is knackered, bored and losing the will to live, she'll want to meet up and tell you, a parent of 2, all about how tiring babies are like it's some big surprise.

Back out now. No good can come from being her bridesmaid!!

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 03/12/2018 21:54

Complete and utter cheek. I wouldn't pay it!

OhHolyJesus · 03/12/2018 21:55

As others have said OP, just back out before it's too late. I suspect more costs would follow and her response and FB post is really disrespectful.

You'll feel low for a bit if you feel you've lost her friendship but it doesn't sound like one with keeping and investing in when you have financial difficulties and two kids to focus on. Personally I would decline the invite to the wedding to save some £ but that's just me.

The gracious thing to do would have been to accepted your message as a done deal and apologised for making you feel uncomfortable.

OnlyLittleMissOrganised · 03/12/2018 21:56

I agree with everyone else OP.

I paid for my 3 bridesmaid dresses and hair and make up and wraps. They just had to do their own shoes and accessories. I even let them choose the dress style of dress. The only thing I chose was the colour of the dresses and I still paid.

It’s the done thing.

Also your friend should be more understanding of your circumstances. I hope you manage to salvage some of your relationship. Weddings bring out the worst in people. Hopefully she will understand once the wedding is over.

BackforGood · 03/12/2018 21:56

I agree with weeeeeeeeeee to a point
I can't understand how someone who is close enough to ask you to be their bridesmaid, can behave so badly to someone that must be have been a really close friend.

I think she is completely wrong to expect bridesmaids to pay for their dresses, but, if, for some reason she has been given the idea that is is okay to ask that, then she still had the chance to apologise profusely to the OP and say she just got swept away in the wedding planning and just didn't think but of course she would pay for yours.

At this point, it depends on what your friendship has been over the years, and how much you think she has changed / grown away from who she once was, or how much you think is just some wedding madness that you might be able to recover the friendship from.

Either way though, I would put something in the Bridesmaids Whatsapp group about the fact you've withdrawn from being a birdesmaid as you just can't possibly afford what she is charging you. I think it is only fair the other BMs know, from your side, the story.

shamofamockery · 03/12/2018 21:57

Absolutely terrible cheek!

I was told recently that I've let a friend down for giving birth 2 weeks before their wedding. It's "selfish" of me to not drive 150 miles 2 weeks post partum to be at a wedding with a 2 week (if baby comes on time!) old.

Some brides are just fucking dreaming.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread