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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:

MrsKoala · 03/12/2018 20:28

I would reply something along the lines of 'you actually don't seem to understand that my costs are not optional like your choice of frocks are. I am not sure why it would have been obvious I would be paying? as in this country it is standard for a bride to pay for the bridesmaid dresses (and send a link to some web page/debretts saying this). I would never wear that dress again. As we both feel let down by the other I think it's best I resign as a bridesmaid.' I would absolutely not ever say the word sorry to her for pulling out or not being able to afford her dress choice.

When I had 3 bridesmaids I paid £250 for each of their dresses, I let them choose the ones they wanted and made sure they were something they wanted to wear and would wear again.

rosenylund · 03/12/2018 20:28

Trust me unless the other bm's are thick as pig shit, they are texting each other frantically at the pure front of the request.

Wooooooooaaaaaaaahhhhhhh · 03/12/2018 20:30

I would reply ‘isn’t that the truth...’ on Facebook. Rude cow.

She should have factored in cost of the bm dresses. If you can’t afford them then scale down your wedding.

Youmadorwhat · 03/12/2018 20:30

@Ethel80 ah I know I just meant she is caught up in her own little bubble of look at me I'm getting married and everything is fucking great....lololol not that it in ANY way justifies her behaviour but as we say here in Ireland ''she'll get some land when it's all over''.

Trinity66 · 03/12/2018 20:30

Oh dear, what an asshole she is. Disgusting behaviour

BeardofZeus · 03/12/2018 20:30

@ghostsauce completely agree! You could say the same thing @op - you don’t know who your real friends are ‘til they plan their wedding!!

cheesydoesit · 03/12/2018 20:32

She sounds ridiculous. What a horrible, classless bitch. Has she been watching too many American wedding based rom-coms where they all gather a week in advance at a lavish family house complete with a vineyard and a myriad of stereotypes to fawn over the bride and help her overcome whatever personal troubles arise so that she can marry 'the one' on the 'most important day of her life'? How many meals did you have to attend? Were you permitted to speak about anything non wedding related?

CrabbityRabbit · 03/12/2018 20:32

Well done. Lets hope she is just sulking quietly and will be kind once shes gotten over herself.

NewPapaGuinea · 03/12/2018 20:33

What is it with people getting married that turns them into massive twats?!

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 03/12/2018 20:33

In the bright side......you’ll dodge a bullet getting out of this ridiculous wedding now.

I feel sorry for her husband to be as she sounds like a right piece of work.

Do NOT feel guilty about backing out. Your children are your priority not your so called friend’s wedding day. Her comment about you not understanding he cost of s wedding was spiteful and I’d write her off as a friend based on that alone.

Figgygal · 03/12/2018 20:34

And yes I also paid for my BMs dresses shoes bag hair as I asked them to be bm so I saw it as my cost

Flobalob · 03/12/2018 20:35

I've been a bridesmaid twice and both times the bride has paid for the dress, hair, make up etc

She is being very rude so I would politely back out now. One day, if she ever has kids, she may well realise how hard this is for you.

I would be blunt and say "I'm a single Mum, I earn X much money a week. My outgoings are X a week. I'm afraid that with having kids now I just don't have that kind of money to spend on myself. In fact I'm lucky to be able to afford to spend £20 on myself"

Hidillyho · 03/12/2018 20:37

LTB (leave the bride)

Even if she offers to pay for it your well off out of there. Hair, makeup, shoes etc will all add up to a stupid amount!

theworldistoosmall · 03/12/2018 20:40

Actually thinking about it, I wouldn't reply. I would just post this on FB

Threadastaire · 03/12/2018 20:40

I don't the the op should have to justify her finances, even if she did have the disposable income available, her 'friend' has no right to demand she use that money to subsidise her wedding! There's a million better things to spend £250 on than a dress you don't like or want just because it fits with someone else's idea of their dream wedding colour palette.

baubled · 03/12/2018 20:41

She sounds horrible OP, I don't think I would be able to resist commenting on the post but I'm aware it's not the best idea!

Message her and say you can't pull £250 from thin air and that doesn't make you a bad friend it just means you're not a miracle worker. I would also add the poor choice of words regarding understand a wedding when she knows the situation with your ex.

ScrantonTheElectricCity · 03/12/2018 20:41

You said you were worried about being outed by cutting and pasting her reply - but it may be a good thing if she finds out about this thread - may help her to realise how wrong her request is! I had to buy my dds bridesmaid dresses for my niece in law but these were only about £40 each, still slightly galling, but at least not £250!!!

HashTagLil · 03/12/2018 20:46

LTB

Leave the Bride. Runaway as fast as you can.
Post in a group whatsapp that you told her you couldn't afford it and didn't expect the non supportive reply and the PA comments on FB. Say your children need feeding and clothing so you have no choice but to pull out.

Do it in the open, in front of everyone so she cannot twist what you say.

StylishMummy · 03/12/2018 20:47

I had 6 bridesmaids and paid for all their dresses. They wore their own shoes. Bride is a CF

oflow · 03/12/2018 20:49

What a cow.

I paid my bridesmaid's hair, makeup, dress and offered shoes too.

Don't feel guilty, she is in the wrong.

jpclarke · 03/12/2018 20:50

I am sorry you are in this stressful situation op, your friend unfortunately sounds like she has turned into a bridezilla and I don't think this will end well for you and your friend. She doesn't understand your situation and she is so caught up in the importance of her wedding that she is not willing to see things from yours. I think you need to walk away and not let yourself get stressed out over it.

Beetlebum1981 · 03/12/2018 20:50

I too paid for my bridesmaids dresses - granted I only had two and I managed to get dresses for £75 but I felt that as I was choosing them I should pay. I'd be interested to know if they're making the groomsmen pay for their own suits/suit hire. As for spending £250 on a dress, DH and I live pretty comfortable lives but I'd be seriously pissed if one of my 'mates' dictated that I had to spend that much on a dress I didn't choose.

bershetmelon · 03/12/2018 20:52

Just pop this in the comments of her fb post

Motoko · 03/12/2018 20:53

I do think you need to post on the Whatsapp group about why you're stepping down, or otherwise she'll be twisting it to make you look bad.

I think it's unlikely that you'll stay friends, and to be honest, if someone treated me like your friend has, I wouldn't want to stay friends.

She's quite nasty.

FannyAndMoonFace · 03/12/2018 20:55

She's nuts!

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