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Original poster

To refuse to pay for bridesmaid dress

833 replies

bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 14:43

I am to be one of 5 bridesmaids for my friends wedding summer 2019.

I am the only one of the 5 who has young children, I am also a single parent with very little money.

Already the "honour" of being her bridesmaid is being very costly. There has been a few dinners to talk over her wedding plans, of which I have had to pay babysitters. The dinners have been of the brides choosing and expensive restaurants with bottles of wine etc.

There is a hen do before the wedding that I cannot make as it is a long weekend away (not possible for me) and the bride was quite unfair about it saying she was upset that not all of her bridesmaids would come.

We went to the bridesmaid dress fittings and selected our sizes from the pre selected dresses of her choice. the dresses were £250. Yesterday the bride messaged saying she was going to order them so can we all transfer the cash by the end of the day. I don't have that kind of money and I am just really shocked, surely if we were paying for our own it should be a dress of our own choice. I would never spend £250 on an item of clothing especially one that I will never wear again but what choice do I really have now? All the other bridesmaids have responded that they have transferred (it's a group Facebook chat) I have no idea what to say!

OP posts:
AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 03/12/2018 19:28

The more I think about it, the more bizarre it is. "i'm getting married. I would love you to do me the honour of being my bridesmaids and sharing in my special day. Including the hen do(s), the "meals out for planning", the dress, accessories, hair and makeup - oh and don't forget your gift to us as the happy couple! - it's going to cost you £1500 - you're welcome!"

M00nUnit · 03/12/2018 19:28

I've been a bridesmaid 5 times in the last years and not once have I been expected to pay for my own dress. I find it really weird that your friend would expect her bridesmaids to pay - it should be part of the bride and groom's expenses for THEIR wedding.

OP - if she's a good friend she'll apologise for being so thoughtless and tell you that of course she'll pay for the mega-expensive dress.

sunshineonrainyhay · 03/12/2018 19:28

But it's her choice to have so any bridesmaids and she could fine lovely dresses for much much cheaper. Like in Jan sales in somewhere like House of Fraser

CraftyYankee · 03/12/2018 19:29

Then you have no choice but to politely step down. (And thank your lucky stars for avoiding the inevitable upcoming train wrecks...)

jollyjester · 03/12/2018 19:29

Well at least you've seen her true colours OP.

Its very upsetting when people you consider to be friends hurt you in such a way.

QuilliamCakespeare · 03/12/2018 19:29

@Alfie190 it really ISN'T normal to pay for your own bridesmaid dress. I must have been to 20 weddings in the last 5 years and not one of bridesmaids was expected to pay for a dress chosen by the bride. Madness.

Yura · 03/12/2018 19:30

i didn’t buy my bridesmaids dresses, but i had asked them to each wear their favorite dress (very informsl wedding - very colourful- everything from ballgown to summerdress). if bride decides on the dress, bride pays!

M00nUnit · 03/12/2018 19:31

Just seen your update. Wow what a nasty person she is! Sorry OP, you must be gutted.

Returnofthesmileybar · 03/12/2018 19:31

Just back out now!

Just reply "To be fair it's very unusual to pay for your own dress and it certainly wasn't obvious to me. I don't think you understand the cost of a wedding either to be honest or you would have had what you could have afforded and not stipulated a dress for someone else to pay for. Anyway, we are on very different pages and although we will both be disappointed I am going to respectfully withdraw as bridesmaid. I hope one day you will understand"

Eatmycheese · 03/12/2018 19:32

Ugh no class or self awareness or emotional intelligence.

Just leave her to her circus, sorry wedding. If she's as dim and self absorbed with every aspect of her life as she is with the dress situation then it must be really tedious being around her.

The irony is for so many people nowadays a wedding is about showing just how much money they can spend or have spent on them, and she sounds like this sort of bride. Sad.

AnotherShirtRuined · 03/12/2018 19:32

Would she rather have you cancel Christmas for your children, do you think? How selfish can a person get...

bringbackthestripes · 03/12/2018 19:32

she thought it would be obvious we would be paying for our own dresses as 5x the dresses is a huge expense to her but we can all reuse the dresses and keep them

Is she for real? Hmm

KringleBells · 03/12/2018 19:33

Aww, sorry to hear that’s her response. She has been mean, in more ways than one. What she said is at best thoughtless and at worst pretty cruel and hurtful.

Think it’s best to step back, both in terms of being a bridesmaid and the friendship in general.

LizzieBennettDarcy · 03/12/2018 19:33

Reuse the dress?? Is she serious??

Can you imagine wearing it round Tesco Grin

What a cow.

VaselineHero · 03/12/2018 19:33

You need to see this through now OP and stick to your guns. Just tell her in light of this new info you have now choice but to back out

I've never paid for any bridesmaids dresses either and wouldn't be able to afford £250z

catography · 03/12/2018 19:34

@viques I am. So, to agree with most of the thread, she's a CF etc
But I don't think you can brand someone a Bridezilla, which currently seems to be term being thrown at me constantly whenever I stand up for myself/me and DP/do something other people don't agree with, just because they have lots of close girlfriends

daffodilbrain · 03/12/2018 19:35

Oh dear she is being a precious bride and doesn't want a single cloud to spoil anything about her wedding. Fact is it's a lot of money you're expected to pay - xmas or not, on a dress you've had little or no choice in. Speaking practically you need to put your child and your finances first. No point in getting into debt for anyone. She's got 4 other bridesmaids which is more than enough.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/12/2018 19:35

She sounds like an utter bitch actually.

I’d tell her to go boil her head with the ‘you don’t understand how expensive weddings are’ if you can’t afford it, scale down you stupid woman.

Tell her your family finances cannot stretch to the cost of the bridesmaid dress and you will be stepping down from the position of bridesmaid.

She sounds unkind and her comments are unnecessary.

I find it hard to believe all the other bridesmaids have paid up immediately on her demanding it.

jay55 · 03/12/2018 19:36

Well there you go, no loss at all to lose her as a friend. What a total cunt.

I'm surprised the other bridesmaids had the money to spend this time of year.

Lookingforadvice123 · 03/12/2018 19:36

I have been a bridesmaid and got married myself. I didn't pay for my dress when I was BM nor would I ever have asked one of my BMs to pay!!! I think it's absolutely cheeky fuckery. If you can't afford to pay for BM dresses as the bride, just don't have any! Simple...

Frazzled2207 · 03/12/2018 19:37

Wow. You just have to step down now from bridesmaiding duties. Lucky escape if you ask me.

MissRhubarb · 03/12/2018 19:38

Yes, that reply is spiteful OP and clearly she DOESN'T understand your financial situation or she wouldn't have asked you to pay in the first place. No one asked her to have 5 bridesmaids or to insist on dresses costing £250 each. Sorry OP she just sounds awful. I was hoping she'd say she was sorry she'd put you in that position, she just hadn't thought it through, etc.... But nope, she HAD thought and doesn't care. Oh poor bridey... don't you understand the stress she's under.... the expense of it all!

She's a horror.

Original poster
bridezilla1 · 03/12/2018 19:38

The dresses to anyone looking at the photos just look like pretty standard dresses. When she originally told me her colour scheme I sent her 4 or 5 high street options that look near enough the same but I think she just likes the idea that they are expensive and from a more exclusive boutique.

There is just no way you could ever wear the dress again, it's the sort of dress you'd only wear as a bridesmaid, OTT prom dress or maybe an upper class ball (?!) so my best hope would be selling it or it collecting dust. If she said originally she wanted us to pay for our dresses I'd have suggested one close to what my budget would have been as a wedding guest and something that could be potentially altered to wear again.

OP posts:
Belindabauer · 03/12/2018 19:40

Op
How awful.
Look just reply that you will unfortunately have to step down as a bridesmaid.
Don't go on any more of her dinners either.
I took my adult bridesmaids out to discuss things, we met in a central very cheap pub.
No meal just drinks and there wasn't any pressure to share in expensive drinks either.
I really dislike this tendency to book extravagant weddings and expect guests to foot the bill, be it for hotel rooms, outfits or what have you.

You might find she tells you not to come to the wedding in which case don't go.

Whocansay · 03/12/2018 19:40

She is an utter cow.

That comment about how you 'wouldn't understand the cost of a wedding' is way below the belt. I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding at this point, let alone spend more of my hard earned cash on this bitch.

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