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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re time off for miscarriage?

104 replies

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 07:53

Honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable. How long do you think is reasonable for time off for a miscarriage at 8 weeks, no complications and a naturally conceived pregnancy (woman in question has a DS3 and the misccariage pregnancy, both conceived within 3 months of trying).

I'm asking as my friend (the person in question) has taken 10 weeks off. She's got a disciplinary at work re a few issues, including absence and performance and I hadn't realised she'd had that long off for the mc (she's had other absences too, and we don't work together).

From my knowledge of others experiences- colleagues, family and friends, and myself, it seems like a long time but wondered what others felt?

OP posts:
christmaspuddingyumyumyum · 03/12/2018 07:57

Is Mc the reason for her absence or mental health issues? I don't think any of us can judge really as it affects us all differently.

AgentProvocateur · 03/12/2018 07:58

That seems like a long time. I had a week off a long time ago, and other colleagues have had 1-2 weeks off.

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 07:59

Is Mc the reason for her absence or mental health issues?

MC - she was offered counselling and ADs but felt she didn't need them. Her other absences have been unrelated illnesses.

OP posts:
ratherbeshowjumping · 03/12/2018 07:59

I had a mc at 8 weeks 10 days back - I took an afternoon to attend hospital & a morning to go to the GPs. I also didn't attend a semi compulsory meeting (4 hours drive away) but otherwise haven't taken any time.

I do work remotely though.

EmUntitled · 03/12/2018 08:00

I assume her GP signed her off for that time so they may have felt she needed it. Seems like a long time to me, but perhaps she has mental health issues which have been affected by the loss.

Ffsnosexallowed · 03/12/2018 08:01

I was “lucky"because I had some annual leave booked, had a couple of days off sick and then a week annual leave.

TinselBee · 03/12/2018 08:01

It's difficult because everyone deals with grief differently.

I took 2 weeks off this year for MH but im currently in work despite waoting for the surgery to remove my missed miscarriage.

Really depends on that person's frame of mind surely?

Not sure where she stands legally though. Also wonder if she would require to be signed off by a Dr for that amount of time?

Beamur · 03/12/2018 08:01

Well, each to their own. I probably had a week off, but if her GP has signed her off for 10 weeks (which is a long time) maybe there is more to this than you know.

Amanduh · 03/12/2018 08:02

I’d say it’s none of your business, the way the baby was conceived and length is nothing to do with it. It’s a long time but it affects people differently, you’ll have people who say they were back to work the next day and people who say they still haven’t recovered.
You don’t sound like much of a friend. Why do you care how long she’s having off work?

Ballbags · 03/12/2018 08:04

10 weeks is a very long time. She's either taking the piss (if it's full pay leave) or has other issues (mental health?).

ArfArfBarf · 03/12/2018 08:04

What a shitty judgemental thread to start about a friend.

Gazelda · 03/12/2018 08:05

Grief affects us all very differently. I imagine her GP has signed her off, so maybe there is more to this than you are aware of?

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:06

Why do you care how long she’s having off work? she was asking for my advice/ understanding re her work situation and asked if I felt it was a long time. I wouldn't have commented had she not asked. She has talked to me in detail about it. I said I felt it was quite a long time but each to their own.

She has no other MH issues - I suggested she seek support due to this and she said her GP had already discussed it with her and she was fine. She told me her GP was very reluctant to sign her off for the last 6 weeks and she had to go and see her every week to discuss it.

OP posts:
Caprisunorange · 03/12/2018 08:06

If her GP signed her off what argument can her company have for a disciplinary? Or has just gone off without being signed off?

Youvegotafriendinme · 03/12/2018 08:06

I was 13.2w when I had a MMC and had a surgery. If that had been it I probably wouldn’t have had any time off (I only work weekends) but as it happened, I had complications and needed a blood transfusion so I ended up with 2 weeks off because I couldn’t physically do my job.

I don’t think how she conceived makes any difference at all. It’s still horrible regardless. I think she’s taking off the amount she needs

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:06

Caprisunorange there's other absences and performance related issues.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 03/12/2018 08:07

Wow
How can anyone judge this
Only she and her doctors know the ins and outs and how long she may need

Worried74 · 03/12/2018 08:07

It might be worth her taking advice. I believe miscarriage is a pregnancy related illness and therefore in terms of work cannot be taken into account re performance and time off as it discriminates. I suffered from recurrent miscarriage, it is hard and affects people differently. I have never been offered counselling and some work places have treated me very poorly (told you can have a termination up to 24 weeks so what was my problem). She needs to take care, get a doctor's support, take the offers of help.

Caprisunorange · 03/12/2018 08:08

Oh that’s ok then so the disciplinary isn’t about the 10 weeks off for miscarriage?

Tbf if the job isn’t working out maybe that’s added to the stress which led to her being signed off for so long

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:08

I don’t think how she conceived makes any difference at all. I put that in there to stop the "maybe it was an IVF pregnancy" or "does she has fertility issues" questions.

OP posts:
thismeansnothing · 03/12/2018 08:09

After my d&c when I had a miscarriage at 9 weeks I was discharged with a 2 week sicknote. When that was due to run out I didn't feel ready to go back. I was still bleeding, I had a patient facing role in the NHS and didn't feel up with having to deal with people and what I felt were their trivialities so was signed off for another 2 weeks. So 4 weeks in all.

Louise856 · 03/12/2018 08:11

I had a miscarriage recently at 7 weeks, no complications physically and I had one week off work. 10 weeks seems extreme but it may be to do with her mentally struggling - she might already have issues with depression / anxiety and the miscarriage has caused a bad episode. If the doctor is signing her off they must feel she needs it?

masterandmargarita · 03/12/2018 08:14

I think I went back to work the next day or next working day. Ie Monday

Alfie190 · 03/12/2018 08:15

I have never had a mc so not commenting from that perspective. If she needs ten weeks she needs ten weeks.

But as an employer, I would definitely have started procedures around capability to do job. It is perfectly legal to dismiss somebody because a high level of sick leave means they cannot perform the job.

Original poster
mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:16

Worried74 yes, I'd advised her to seek advice from her union. I think the issue is that the last few weeks weren't signed off as miscarriage related, which creates issues for her job but has also made her quite angry with her GP and she has made a formal complaint about that.

She's obviously going through some stuff and I suspect is refusing to acknowledge or admit to mental health issues, she has openly said she sees antidepressants as a weakness and that MH issues are all in the mind (she was really sympathetic about my PTSD and PND. Not). I'm worried that that stance is stopping her from seeking the help she actually needs.

OP posts:
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