AIBU re time off for miscarriage?

[mortifiedmama]

Honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable. How long do you think is reasonable for time off for a miscarriage at 8 weeks, no complications and a naturally conceived pregnancy (woman in question has a DS3 and the misccariage pregnancy, both conceived within 3 months of trying).

I'm asking as my friend (the person in question) has taken 10 weeks off. She's got a disciplinary at work re a few issues, including absence and performance and I hadn't realised she'd had that long off for the mc (she's had other absences too, and we don't work together).

From my knowledge of others experiences- colleagues, family and friends, and myself, it seems like a long time but wondered what others felt?

I had a miscarriage at 11 weeks years ago, I needed a D&C, think I had a day off work, I bounced back fine and wasnt overly upset or anything.

Sounds like she is taking the piss

@Ghanagirl Exactly!

@mortifiedmama I certainly would not be making threads about a friend online!

I had two weeks after my MMC, but started working from home after about 10 days. That time off also included an ERPC and a post-op infection from the ERPC.

I just don't think you can judge as it's not a one size fits all situation. I wasn't working when I had one MC, but I was extremely unwell physically (and mentally not great either)- it took weeks to resolve completely and I was anaemic after lots of episodes of bleeding and retained products (in retrospect should probably have opted for a D&C, but I didn't realise that it could take a while to resolve naturally). Another time I had a MC, again it resolved naturally, I took a week off and was reasonably ok both physically and mentally after that. Each time was different (and each person is different) and I don't think it's possible to say that the amount of time your friend has had off work is unreasonable.

I was in hospital for five days, needed transfusions, emergency surgery etc for a 13 week MC.
Can home from hospital on the Monday, took that week and went back to work the following Monday.

So yes, I think 10 weeks is excessive.

I've had two, one earlier and one later than this. My experience is they both hurt just as much emotionally. 10 weeks is a lot but she is clearly having other issues else the GP wouldn't have agreed to sign her off.

24 hours

So if she refuses to believe she has any MH issues, and says she physically recovered relatively quickly, why does she feel 10 weeks off is an acceptable amount of time? She must have a reason which she considers valid.

Diagnosed on a Wednesday - had op on Saturday so I didn't need to take time off work then returned to work on Monday . Clearly your poor woman has other issues .

It's pretty clear from the way you talk about her that you don't really like her, OP. So I wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't shared the full story with you.

The only people who need to be consulted regarding how long someone is signed off are the patient and their doctor. Everyone else's opinion is irrelevant, solicited or not.

I only had a week off after my miscarriage and that was to recover from the ERPC that I had done under GA. But if I had another one I'd definitely take longer. I rushed back too soon and didn't deal with it emotionally - came back to haunt me after my daughter was born and was part of the reason I developed PND.

@Gulliverunravels " I hope she has other friends who are more supportive than you, OP".

I do think you are being a bit harsh on the OP. It sounds to me like she is being quite supportive of her friend and just wondering what other peoples experiences are and if there are similar ones out there.

@OP it does sound like there is more to this than a miscarriage but also that your friend wont look any further i.e. MH etc.

Four MC under my belt, leave was as follows:

MC1 (11wks) - 3wks
MC2 (6wks) - 0 days
MC3 (7wks) - 2 days
MC4 (12wks) - 3wks

First and fourth MCs were the longest due to waiting a week to have ERPC and then ending up in hospitals with excessive bleeds and allergic reactions to medication. Not pleasant.

I took a week or so after each to emotionally recover, so I wasn’t likely to burst into tears if anyone asked why I’d been off. It also gave me the opportunity to spend time with DS and appreciate what I had as part of the recovery.

I did feel at points I’d maybe taken advantage taking too long. But I can definitely say, it helped me get back on track. I don’t think rushing back to work would have been helpful in the long term.

10wks does sound excessive from the recovery itself, unless there are underlying health concerns or MH issues. Part of the overall recovery is trying to get back into some sense of normality within a reasonable time.

Oh come on of course it's not being judgemental. In my 30 year career I've supported friends and colleagues through most life events including death of a parent, still birth at 37 weeks, divorce and partner's suicide. 6 weeks was the maximum anyone took. Miscarriage, however early is desperately hard to cope with - I had one at 7 weeks - but that doesn't change the fact that 10 weeks off work is excessive. And having an opinion on that is ok.

Something else is going on. She must be stressed about work problems. She needs union support, or you can be mckenzie friend (I wouldn't in this situation) might need legal backup from union.

I took two weeks off after surgery to remove a missed miscarriage (baby had died, but not miscarried) at about 10 weeks. I'd been trying to get pregnant for 7 years at that point and it was my first pregnancy. I was beyond devastated and spent pretty much the whole two weeks crying. I barely ate or slept. Just drank coffee, smoked and cried.
Two weeks wasn't long enough for me, and maybe not for your friend either. A little life has been lost, along with all the hopes and dreams your friend may have had for it. Be kind xxx

I'm slightly different because we are self employed (veg farm) and had serious complications (almost died myself) so had 2 weeks recovery time and about another week to 10 days light duties. If I worked for someone else I would have needed 3-4 weeks depending on the nature of the job. Mentally I wasn't at full power for a long time but I struggled on and made my Mh a lot worse.
10 weeks seems a long time but grief can be different for everyone

10 weeks sounds excessive with no other complications and no other diagnosed mental health problem.

I had 3 weeks off after a 2nd miscarriage 11 weeks into the pregnancy. I had a natural miscarriage but then an emergency ERPC as I'd retained 'product' and bled heavily leaving me anemic, just avoiding a transfusion. It was an emotionally distressing time and I couldn't have gone back to work sooner, but I was also suffering from the effects of anemia. Going back to work was the best thing to do though once I felt physically well. I guess GPs are in difficult positions but to have 10 weeks off, with no underlying physical issues, means I'd expect her to be pushed by the GP into accessing help for her distress, rather than just keep being signed off.

Caprisunorange even when employees are signed off by a GP, they can still be under disciplinary proceedings for absences, if their absences had flagged up a "trigger" type of warning to HR.

I've never experienced a MC but I can imagine being knocked for six by it. 10 weeks seems a long time, but I think it's such a unique situation that no one can really judge.

It’s illegal to count a miscarriage (or pregnancy) related sick leave (of any duration) towards your sick leave. So her disciplinary should, hopefully, only be related to the other types of leave. If not she should involve Acas.

I had five weeks off in total, two weeks was waiting for the surgery, I couldn’t work in case the miscarriage started and I was a long way from home, I travel a lot for work, no issues getting sick notes, then after surgery I felt like a zombie so had more time off. The last week was me getting my head in the right space and getting a bit of me time, GP had no issue with sick note. . Then I returned to work and wasn’t even asked how I was! I was glad that I had the time off. Everyone is different, hormones take ages to settle down etc if she a sick. Ore is not up for scrutiny though is?

Your friend sounds like she isn’t happy at work tbh, if she wants to stay there then she needs to improve her performance or if she does t then find another job? its easier to find a job when you have a job

Sick ore?! Meant sick note

It sounds as if your friend just hates her job.

Miscarriage is awful but ten weeks seems like a lot. People cope in different ways but I personally think taking that long is probably not helping her mental health, she might be stuck in a ‘hole’ at home whereas the routine of going to work might help give her some structure and normality back. You never know what else is going on but I too would have raised eyebrows given her history. I don’t think there’s anything you can or should do about it though.

For reference I had three weeks off for a MMC at 13 weeks. Two was the ‘standard’ sign off letter from the hospital after the scan but it took me awhile to miscarry after the scan so doc gave me another week. I was physically and mentally ready to go back after that time.

1 week off after first MC (5 weeks but a bit prolonged and painful, plus very emotional as was first pregnancy)

2 days off after second (6 weeks, felt like a bad period, was more prepared emotionally).

But honestly, everyone's story is so different it's pointless to compare.

I agree the question is really why she feels she needs the time. So assume there are no physical issues left and she's claiming not to have MH problems. Plus you mentioned her GP is reluctant.

Everyone is different.

I’m just waiting for the “I had a miscarriage at work and powered on right through so everybody should do the same” kind of post.