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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU re time off for miscarriage?

104 replies

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 07:53

Honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable. How long do you think is reasonable for time off for a miscarriage at 8 weeks, no complications and a naturally conceived pregnancy (woman in question has a DS3 and the misccariage pregnancy, both conceived within 3 months of trying).

I'm asking as my friend (the person in question) has taken 10 weeks off. She's got a disciplinary at work re a few issues, including absence and performance and I hadn't realised she'd had that long off for the mc (she's had other absences too, and we don't work together).

From my knowledge of others experiences- colleagues, family and friends, and myself, it seems like a long time but wondered what others felt?

OP posts:

Louise856 · 03/12/2018 08:16

Also do you know for certain that the miscarriage was all resolved physically in a short amount of time? For some women the tissue doesn’t pass naturally and there are complications, I personally know someone who had an awful time physically for about 6 weeks with a miscarriage. I was lucky mine was over within a week.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 03/12/2018 08:20

I think if this comes up again you could ask her more directly why she doesn’t feel ready for work.

Maybe she needs more support with mental health and is worried about giving that as a reason. There is still a lot of stigma around it.

wendz86 · 03/12/2018 08:23

I had a week off after a missed miscarriage at 16 weeks . My work said I could have as long as I wanted off but I felt I was thinking about it too much sat at home . I think it’s very hard to judge how different people cope though.

Jackshouse · 03/12/2018 08:24

It all depends. I had weeks and weeks of heavy bleeding with my last miscarriage. If her Dr signed her off then she needed to be off.

Time off for miscarriage is not sickness. It should be recorded as pregnancy related not sickness. If they are been funny about this then she should contact pregnant and then screwed service.

TinyTear · 03/12/2018 08:25

MC1 - 2 days off
MC2 - 2 days off
MC3 - nothing as was during a holiday
MC4 - 2.5 weeks off
MC5 - 3 days off

So basically it depends. 10 weeks does seem a bit excessive to me...

Original poster

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:27

Louise856 she said it was. Said it 4 hours of cramps then a few days of bleeding, she was surprised as she had expected it to be worse. She had asked what mine was like and I'd said similar but know others who have had it worse (retain stuff, needing D&C etc).

OP posts:

Original poster

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:29

ADarkandStormyKnight I have asked that. I've been very open about my own MH struggles. She is adamant it isn't that, I can only take her at her word.

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 03/12/2018 08:30

MC earlier this year at 5/6 weeks. I didn’t take any time off.

bringbackthestripes · 03/12/2018 08:34

I had 2 weeks off with the first one. The other two after that I had no time off. It does seem a long time especially, as you say, the dr was reluctant to sign her off for the last 6 weeks so clearly the GP wasn’t concerned re her MH. If she has lots of other absences then I’m not surprised work are giving her a disciplinary.

KitKat1985 · 03/12/2018 08:35

If your friend is being honest about not having any significant mental health issues in relation to her miscarriage, (above and beyond what would be expected), then yes I think 10 weeks off is excessive.

Talith · 03/12/2018 08:36

I'd say it was unusual but that doesn't mean it's unnecessary in her case. My MC at 12 weeks was over a weekend and I'm pretty sure I was at work at some point the following week in massive denial. I could have used a bit of time off to be honest. It was a horrendous experience.

BarryTheKestrel · 03/12/2018 08:37

The thing is, unless we know what grounds the doctor is actually signing her off its impossible to say. A doctor won't (shouldn't) lie on a fit note, she isn't still bleeding, hasn't retained products, says she isn't suffering mentally from it, so on what grounds has she been signed off for 10 weeks?

I think it's excessive but they must have a reason to keep signing her off that she isn't telling you.

iLoveFoood · 03/12/2018 08:37

That's a very long time.

I had a forced miscarriage (otherwise known as an abortion) and took maybe 2/3 days off to rest.

Birdie6 · 03/12/2018 08:39

I've had four miscarriages. I've had a couple of days off when they happened in a work week. I assume that there is more going on in this woman's life than the miscarriage.

Clockwork95 · 03/12/2018 08:42

Honestly it does seem like a lot to me yes. Unless, as others have said, there are particular mental health issues or physical problems but it sounds like she would have shared them with you when asking your opinion.

I've had two miscarriages at around that point and had a day off with each. Not saying that's the "right" thing to do, just that was what felt appropriate for me.

Original poster

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:42

I think it's excessive but they must have a reason to keep signing her off that she isn't telling you.

They signed her off for stress for the last 4 weeks. But she is currently taking up a formal complaint to get that changed to miscarriage related, she refuses to accept that she was stressed.

OP posts:

coolwalking · 03/12/2018 08:42

Terrible experience as it was for us, my partner took one day off due to the physical aspects and had the weekend off.

It really does depend on the person I think. For her, she found being back at work a distraction and she didn't want to be sat at home.

Everyone takes these horrific situations differently

TheEmmaDilemma · 03/12/2018 08:43

That is an exceptionally long time imo.

For both (around 8 weeks) I took a few days bed rest and then returned to work.

Original poster

mortifiedmama · 03/12/2018 08:49

The immediate issue is the problems at work, and I can't advise her further on that so have signed posted her to the relevant people. Then there's the issue of her MH, but don't think you can get someone to accept they have MH issues until they are ready. Guess I just need to be there as a sounding board for her.

OP posts:

SmallYappyTypeDog · 03/12/2018 08:50

I had 2 weeks off but I had a major haemorrhage and needed to physically recover especially as I work in a physical job. As far I was aware it is only classed as pregnancy related sickness for the 2 weeks after miscarriage is complete. So the Dr has signed her off for the correct reason and her complaint will go nowhere.

MeganBacon · 03/12/2018 08:50

I had six m/c before 10 weeks and took no more than a day for each, but I am one of those stoic long-suffering types. I think a few days would have been reasonable for me, but not vital.

WeeDoughball · 03/12/2018 08:52

Seems like a huge amount of time. I had 4 mc before any DC and for the 3 that required ERPC I had the day that I found out and the day of surgery. For the other I had no time off (early on).

RemyRelax · 03/12/2018 08:57

I can’t believe that anyone would comment or judge how much time off someone needs due to a miscarriage. You are not her friend OP.

user1483387154 · 03/12/2018 08:59

I had 1 week off afterwards. I would have felt more for me personally would have been too much

Lauren83 · 03/12/2018 09:01

I had an 8-9 week miscarriage after IVF I think I took 3 days off as they did surgery on the second day, everyone's different though

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