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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ‘grabby’ or is this a bit CF?

127 replies

Hunlife · 02/12/2018 17:26

Yesterday I had a party for my daughter where she invited a few friends from school to an activity and lunch. All of the parents brought presents for her and she was really pleased. For the record I would never expect someone to bring a present for my child just so their’s can attend a party but I realise most parents will bring presents.

She opened them this morning and started to look at them. One of the presents was some kind of activity/craft set. I thought the box looked a bit tatty and when she opened it half the stuff was screwed up in the box and there were stickers missing (you could see where they have been peeled off the backing paper). AIBU to think it’s pretty rude to give a child something that her child has obviously opened had a good rifle thought and rejected? I have no objection to regifting but would only ever regift something untouched.

I’m moderately friendly with the mum and just quite shocked that she would think that this is acceptable.

OP posts:
jade9390 · 04/12/2018 02:56

It clearly was not done by mistake, if the box was that tatty. We all regift but are more careful and considerate to make sure it is intact. It is odd and makes you wonder but unless you are rude and ask her why, you are never going to know, so have to try and forget about it.

StoppinBy · 04/12/2018 03:23

Not sure if anyone already said this but it's also possible one of the kids poked through it and Mum hadn't realised when she wrapped it.

I would just let it go as she could also be seriously broke and it was all she had in the house but it seems to be more likely that if she had been gifting something that she knew was second hand she would have cleaned it up first before wrapping it and not just wrapped the used stickers etc up.

OliveSeaTurtle · 04/12/2018 03:42

I suppose the important thing is: did DD mind or notice and if she did notice, did she care? Probably not. She was probably happy to just get a present from her friend, whatever it was.

I personally wouldn't do it, but I wouldn't care if someone did that to me my DC. A gift isn't mandatory, it's the thought that counts!

I have had my fair share of used note books and other alike objects, re-gifted to me that have signs of being used or tested before. Just let it go over my head and was happy anyone wanted to give a gift!

mathanxiety · 04/12/2018 04:41

I confess to once buying a craft set for one of my DDs that was such a hit that I went out and bought another for a birthday child, and then gave the wrong set to the birthday girl.

I would probably have realised I had made a mistake sooner or later anyway, but I discovered it the next day. DD found out the hard way, in school Sad, and told me.

I told DD it wasn't nice of the gift recipient to be rude to her about it in front of other children, that it hadn't been DD's fault, phoned the mother, apologised for the mix up, went out and bought another gift and dropped it off at their house.

I felt bad for both children but worse for my own DD as she had been sneered at in school and it was 100% not her fault that I had sent her off with the wrong gift.

I never spoke to that mother again. I doubt the apple fell too far from the tree.

I agree 100% with oiiiiiiii's post - let this go.

Try to think the best of others, and if you can't then at least don't badmouth other people in front of your children.

mathanxiety · 04/12/2018 04:47

And while I realise that I myself didn't let the sneering at my DD go (since I didn't talk to the mother again) I was friendly to the child, who ended up in my house occasionally as there were many group projects over the years that followed.

I think there are worse things than bringing a gift that is the worse for wear. In the greater scheme of things stuff is only stuff, but passing on an attitude to a child is something else entirely.

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/12/2018 05:37

Once my dd was given a t-shirt as a present at her birthday party with a bloody great food stain on the front. She was only 5 and so asked me loudly if I could wash it so she could wear it. The person who gave it witnessed the whole thing but tried to laugh it off.

MummyofTw0 · 04/12/2018 07:47

Embarrassing but maybe the mum couldn’t afford it this side of Christmas x

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/12/2018 08:24

In my story the mum and her husband were wealthy bankers. I put it down to them not having time so grabbing something quickly. It was a really expensive t-shirt so actually quite a nice present when clean.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 04/12/2018 08:58

My daughter often wraps something used of her own to give to her friends for their birthday. It’s what she has to give so I let her give it.

Really?

And you don't add something new?

itsfuckingnotducking · 04/12/2018 09:16

My daughter often wraps something used of her own to give to her friends for their birthday. It’s what she has to give so I let her give it.

Why? Why don't you want her to keep her own toys?

NotForSale · 04/12/2018 09:18

For my daughter's birthday party we encouraged regifting and charity shop purchases and basically avoiding buying new if possible and plastic. It's the way forward OP so yes I think YABU

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/12/2018 09:22

NotForSale charity shops don't usually sell toys and craft sets that have parts missing or are scrunched up or half used. I think that's the point here, isn't it? Regifting is great but not something broken and useless.

Cheshirecatty · 04/12/2018 09:36

My friend once got a used paper tablecloth with wine glass stains on it as a Christmas present from her very well off stepmother from hell!

IrmaFayLear · 04/12/2018 09:41

There's nothing wrong with regifting if it's in mint condition . There's nothing wrong with a charity shop present if you present it as such .

What is cheesy is if someone gives you something with great pomp and ceremony and it is clearly a cast off, eg (incidents I can remember) receiving books from cousins and aunt saying "We went out and Mary and John chose these for you!" and then later finding written inside, "To Mary and John Happy Christmas love Aunty Sybil".

Of course if people are really strapped then you can excuse it, but the worst offenders always seem to be the people with the most money (perhaps that's why they have so much!).

KellyW88 · 04/12/2018 13:26

YANBU - I say this as I’m skint almost all the time and if I know I’m going to be needing a gift for anybody I make sure to get something - even if it’s cheap and cheerful. Have never regifted anything (yet!)

I receive a lot of regifted toys for my twins from friends who have children slightly older and they have always made sure said toys are clean and in working order before bringing them - even if they’ve been played with loads by their own children they’re always almost as good as new

Mum4Blake · 04/12/2018 13:26

I’ve had stuff arrive from amazon in this state. I’ve thought that occasionally they send out stuff that were returned by others.
Maybe she didn’t check inside the box before wrapping?

TheLittleDogLaughed · 04/12/2018 15:27

I never spoke to that mother again. I doubt the apple fell too far from the tree.

Nice.

OlennasWimple · 04/12/2018 15:50

In response to your questions...

No, YANB grabby to think that a clearly used gift isn't really on (obvious exceptions for second hand books, CDs etc that are out of print or otherwise hard to find / antiques / vintage clothes etc)

No, this isn't necessarily her being a CF (though equally well it could have been)

Myusername101z · 04/12/2018 16:19

Yanbu I think it’s better to give nothing that something used ,I always remember when I was around 8 my (very posh) friend giving me Matilda on video for My birthday the case was the real case but inside was a copied vhs tape , I remember my mum talking about it for days and I didn’t understand but now it makes me laugh

IrmaFayLear · 04/12/2018 17:45

I came a magnificent cropper with the old out-of-print book thing. I was terrifically pleased to find a lovely old edition of a book for mil that she had mentioned liking as a child. Mil was not happy to receive an "second-hand charity shop book". Gah!

oiiiiiii · 04/12/2018 19:18

@masterandmargarita but the OP say she will "look at her in a different light now". I.e., instead of putting it out of her mind (not judging / not wasting time obsessing about how she/DD "deserve better"), she's allowed herself to judge this woman based on a gift she gave not being "good enough".

That's the context under which I made the comment that good manners includes putting it out of one's mind... part of good manners is giving other folk the benefit of the doubt as much as possible. Because the thoughts we have (assumptions we make) about others' motivations affect our behaviour towards them. It's not brain surgery.

@Hunlife I find your responses to me interesting. If a relative sent me a bizarre gift or something that seemed insulting, I'd be worried for them, and at least discreetly check on them (dementia? other illness? etc). If they sent me a very cheap or used gift, I might do the same, depending on context - perhaps they are struggling for cash. I wouldn't think they'd "saved money" by not getting me what I believe I ~deserve~ ...

mathanxiety · 04/12/2018 20:49

Yes, TheLittleDogLaughed, because five year old children don't sneer at their peers unless they learn it at home.

Dita73 · 04/12/2018 23:32

Don’t say anything. You never know but the family could be completely on the bones of their arses

TheLittleDogLaughed · 05/12/2018 09:04

mathanxiety and maybe they never speak to their peers again because they learn that from home, using your logic. But hopefully your dd is more forgiving and less judgmental than you are.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 05/12/2018 09:15

MN is obsessed with cf.
It wouldn't occur to me that it had been anything other than the kid having a go with the gift without the mum knowing.
To look at her in a different light ..really?
Unless this woman has 'previous ' I can't see why people would assume the worse.

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