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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ‘grabby’ or is this a bit CF?

127 replies

Hunlife · 02/12/2018 17:26

Yesterday I had a party for my daughter where she invited a few friends from school to an activity and lunch. All of the parents brought presents for her and she was really pleased. For the record I would never expect someone to bring a present for my child just so their’s can attend a party but I realise most parents will bring presents.

She opened them this morning and started to look at them. One of the presents was some kind of activity/craft set. I thought the box looked a bit tatty and when she opened it half the stuff was screwed up in the box and there were stickers missing (you could see where they have been peeled off the backing paper). AIBU to think it’s pretty rude to give a child something that her child has obviously opened had a good rifle thought and rejected? I have no objection to regifting but would only ever regift something untouched.

I’m moderately friendly with the mum and just quite shocked that she would think that this is acceptable.

OP posts:
Stanislas · 02/12/2018 18:19

DD at 11 had a game for her November birthday which she and her friend loved . This is a while ago . We bought the same game for her friend's birthday in December. Present wrapped and opened. DD had packed the used game. She was embarrassed as I was and we produced the right one the next time she saw her friend. This could have happened.

Jaxhog · 02/12/2018 18:29

it's the gesture more than the item itself that matters.

The gesture of giving an old , broken, second hand gift? Why stop there? How about an old roll of toilet paper, or a piece of cardboard. If they're too poor to buy something, then why not a hand made card?

I wonder if it was the child who chose an old toy of her own to regift? Maybe the mother needs to supervise a bit better!

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 02/12/2018 18:30

I would always assume she hadn’t realised. It would be SO easy to do this (my DC have been given copies of the same set two or even three times... you think you’ve put the untouched box away but you actually got them confused) I would always assume it was an accident and the poor parent would be mortified if she/he knew.

Someone would have to have SERIOUS previous form for me to assume they knew about this.

mumlost1940 · 02/12/2018 18:32

Hunlife - There you are: proves my point. The long term effects of being given a used gift are disastrous. In your Dad's day, they took the explosive elements out as they were all needed for the war effort. Kids were denied their own whizz bangs.

bringbackthestripes · 02/12/2018 18:36

Will your daughter mention to her friend that the gift was used? I would love to know her friends response if she does Grin

Witchend · 02/12/2018 18:40

I've bought things from shops where I've opened after getting home and found it had been used.
I assume someone returned it and staff didn't check properly.

Heartofglass21 · 02/12/2018 18:45

I bought a DVD from a charity shop, a film that my sister always raved about and wanted to see again and again and again. I didn't open the case silly me just wrapped it and posted it to her as a surprise present. Inside the case was an educational CD-ROM, the sort that was issued with computers back in the day, and definitely not Thelma and Louise. One subscription to Netflix later and all is forgiven.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/12/2018 18:47

This happened to us once except I was the culprit. I bought an activity sticker book for dd and one as a gift. I wrapped and gave the wrong one. I apologised to the recipient and explained my mistake. Luckily dd had only used a couple of stickers in it and the children were preschoolers. I just swapped them back when I next saw them. This is only other explanation beyond cheeky fuckery I can think of for why the present is used.

Racecardriver · 02/12/2018 18:50

She may not have realised. She could have bought if for your dd and her child went through it then put it all back and didn’t say anything about it.

GreenTulips · 02/12/2018 18:56

DH was gifted a second hand game many years ago - he wanted the game and knew it was used - all good

Except in the instruction booklet was a Dick Pic - one from a photo booth - (were we first? I wonder)

So we could be sure it belonged to friend or not as we had no idea if he had brought it second hand himself - felt awkward

Original poster
Hunlife · 02/12/2018 19:01

GreenTulips right everyone can go home; you’ve won the thread! Grin

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 02/12/2018 19:22

I get most of my presents from charity shops, always been sealed boxes in perfect condition, really good stuff which would be a £ 15 new but is 3:99 in the charity, I get them when I see them and wait girls an invite
I will check in future I think as I'd hate that yo happen to me

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 02/12/2018 19:23

If she did it deliberately then yes that's a bit rubbish! I'd have nothing against a gift bought from a second hand shop but a good quality one specially chosen, not clearly just something you don't want any more.

BadgerWithRice · 02/12/2018 19:28

I’m with @bunnylover, keep it and give it back for her DD’s birthday. Maybe you’ll end up like this pair:
www.boredpanda.com/reusable-birthday-card-exchange-94-times-47-years/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=organic

greendale17 · 02/12/2018 19:32

YANBU- a used gift? Bunch of cheapskates

oiiiiiii · 02/12/2018 19:43

In terms of manners, it's much more rude to look a gift horse in the mouth, than it is to fuck up a present.

Folk have all sorts of challenges in life. You literally never know. Her dd might have rummaged and there was no time or money to replace it. She may be mortified about it and hoping you won't hate her now. Who knows.

The right thing to do is smile, say thank you, and put it out of your mind. No one is entitled to a gift - they are "extras" and should never be judged good or bad.

Being arsey or resentful about a present just multiplies the misery of a poor present. There's enough misery in the world as it is. Let it go and have the assurance that the drama and hurt feelings that may have resulted in the shit present will stop with you

psicat · 02/12/2018 19:51

I've sort of done this accidentally - I gave a friend's child a book at Christmas. My DC had it previously from grandparents so I knew it was a good book. Unfortunately I'm pretty sure I gave her the wrong copy so it will have "happy Xmas from gran and grandad" in it. I only realised about 2 month slater when noticed DC's copy didn't have anything written in it - I'm 90% sure it did so can only assume this.

As so much time had passed, she hadn't said anything, I felt too embarrassed to say so myself. This was about 4 years ago now and I'm still embarrassed about it 😂 and I've left it too long now!

Maybe she is a CF or maybe she made genuine mistake (or isn't even aware). If it's a one off then I would forget about it but if she's always a taker not a giver then edge away...

Monestasi · 02/12/2018 19:52

In situations like this, I would want to determine the background of the giver. It’s petty, but it does matter a bit.

So, in the case of new Merc mum. I would put it aside and gift it back.

Then again, I probably wouldn’t, as I can never hold on to this kind of thing. I would soon forget.

But YANBU.

A shabby regift is so poor form.

Original poster
Hunlife · 02/12/2018 20:01

The right thing to do is smile, say thank you, and put it out of your mind. No one is entitled to a gift - they are "extras" and should never be judged good or bad.

Which is exactly what I did, of course. I was brought up with manners. I would never mention to her or anyone else and neither would my daughter. By your twisted logic though I could present the next birthday child with a used piece of toilet paper and expect to be thanked profusely.

OP posts:
AliceRR · 02/12/2018 20:41

By your twisted logic though I could present the next birthday child with a used piece of toilet paper and expect to be thanked profusely

😂 exactly!

It was rude and YANBU to wonder what she was thinking

Butteredghost · 02/12/2018 20:49

YANBU, pretty rude. No matter how poor or busy she was, a chocolate bar, £1 in a card, or nothing all would have been much better gifts.

BerriTerri · 02/12/2018 21:16

I have 5 children and for ease/ economy I stock pile wrapping paper, cards and a few gifts. I just go to my pile I’ve bought on offer in advance and select a decent gift.

Once dh put something back on the wrong garage self and I realised in horror later on I’d given a well used craft set!

hibbledibble · 02/12/2018 21:20

I'm guessing the parent didn't know their child had been through it. I doubt anyone would knowingly give a gift in that state.

I have regifted, but only if they are untouched. It's just recycling!

Louiselouie0890 · 02/12/2018 21:25

Maybe her kid got into it? I have my daughters Xmas gifts upstairs my son found them and was playing them.

oiiiiiii · 02/12/2018 21:54

Which is exactly what I did, of course.

No, part of good manners is as I said, to put it

out of your mind. Which you haven't... You're posting about it on the internet.

If someone presents you with bog roll as a gift, yes, you're to be grateful for it. Basic manners. If that seems "twisted" to you then I suggest gently that you manners might not be as flawless as you assume.

Neither you nor dd are entitled to presents, certainly not to nice ones. It's actually much less stressful to accept that because you don't waste energy being outraged / shocked about how you didn't get what you/dd "deserved"