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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being ‘grabby’ or is this a bit CF?

127 replies

Hunlife · 02/12/2018 17:26

Yesterday I had a party for my daughter where she invited a few friends from school to an activity and lunch. All of the parents brought presents for her and she was really pleased. For the record I would never expect someone to bring a present for my child just so their’s can attend a party but I realise most parents will bring presents.

She opened them this morning and started to look at them. One of the presents was some kind of activity/craft set. I thought the box looked a bit tatty and when she opened it half the stuff was screwed up in the box and there were stickers missing (you could see where they have been peeled off the backing paper). AIBU to think it’s pretty rude to give a child something that her child has obviously opened had a good rifle thought and rejected? I have no objection to regifting but would only ever regift something untouched.

I’m moderately friendly with the mum and just quite shocked that she would think that this is acceptable.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 03/12/2018 19:06

So no need to 'look at her in a different light now'.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 03/12/2018 19:10

a used gift is rude. Better a box of Maltesers, or tube of Jelly Tots from the Poundshop.

THIS ^

Did the adult wrap the gift? Is here any chance the child could have asked to wrap it herself, have coveted your daughter's present, and done a swap for something she didn't want out of her toy box.?

Sara107 · 03/12/2018 19:21

I disagree that the gesture is more important than the thing. The important thing in a gift is the feeling that the giver cares enough to have made an effort to do something nice for you. If it’s only a little packet of sweeties that’s fine if that’s all they can afford - what child would not enjoy a packet of smarties! But a thoughtless gift I think feels worse than a cheap gift or even no gift. And giving a wrecked thing doesn’t feel like thought or care went into it.

waterrat · 03/12/2018 19:30

Actually OP I think you are very unreasonable. The mum just didn't check - so what, we have all been in a panic sometimes forgot a gift grabbed something - she thought it was intact.

cut the woman some slack you barely know her and you claim you don't expect presetns. Who cares? I would let it be a lesson to your daughter how little presents mattter.

She gave your daughter a gift of time turning up - forget the present it isn't important.

ShalomJackie · 03/12/2018 19:31

I would never mention to her or anyone else and neither would my daughter.

Except for the whole of mumsnet of course and potentially the Daily Mail readers.

longestlurkerever · 03/12/2018 19:37

I can see that no thought went into it. I just can't see why that matters. To the point where people say they'd be annoyed about it? Annoyed that someone didn't put thought and effort into choosing a gift for them? Rather than pleased that the other people did? This just seems topsy turvy and wrong to me. Gifts have lost all meaning and it's now just some social expectation to exchange more and more stuff.

snowflakealert · 03/12/2018 19:57

Clutching at straws a bit, but maybe her dc had been given two of the same, so she decided to keep one aside for re-gifting, and then picked up the played-with one by mistake.

PyongyangKipperbang · 03/12/2018 20:07

I almost did exactly this because the gift I thought had been kept safe out of the way (duplicate iirc) had in fact been found and all the good bits nicked out of it so carefully that I didnt realise! It was only because I realised the box was quite light that I checked it all the pipe cleaners and paints had been taken out :o

missstyfied · 03/12/2018 20:28

Someone bought my DD a gift. She made a big thing about how we shouldn't open it in front of her DD. We couldn't understand why until we opened it - it was clearly one of her own daughter's toys. A Lego type set that was all out of the bags (the opened bags were in the box). I'd rather she hadn't bothered tbh. No wonder she didn't want her daughter to see her own used toy being given to someone else

PerspicaciaTick · 03/12/2018 20:41

I was encouraging my DS to clear out his wardrobe and we had a stack of stuff to take to the charity shop - including a pristine boxed science kit that DS swore he had never opened.

Something about the rattle twanged my spidey senses and I looked closer - only to find he had ransacked the contents, been unimpressed and completely forgotten about the kit. I was hugely relieved that I spotted that one in time.

Equimum · 03/12/2018 20:45

I would imagine this was a mistake.

Saying that, our childrens’ Godmother Has given a cot mobile for Christmas, that her daughter told us used to play music when it was on her cot, but had broken. They also gave us a damaged (obviously we’ll played with) wooden toy in a battered box.

Studentwife · 03/12/2018 20:52

My grandma (on my father’s side) regularly regifted items but always made a big deal about the ‘time’, ‘effort’ and ‘amount’ she’d spent on the item. She once gave a ‘beautiful’ evening bag to my aunt ( on my mother’s side of the family) who found a half eaten sticky toffee in the bottom of it! This was many, many years ago before charity shops so everyone knew it was one of her cast offs!. Everyone had a bloody good laugh at her expense! 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Grannyannex · 03/12/2018 21:01

Possibly the child opened it without mums knowledge. Mine are cheeky like that

IvysMum12 · 03/12/2018 21:02

An absolutely delightful elderly lady gave us some pretty lacy napkins for a wedding present.
With dried egg yolk on them!
She was a darling and I miss her.

Fink · 03/12/2018 21:15

When DD was younger and whole class parties were a thing, I stocked up on a few generic presents, mostly craft type things. I was furious to discover DD had been at my stash, trying them out so I couldn't gift any of them. It's quite possible this mum just didn't realise.

Nitpickpicnic · 03/12/2018 21:31

Step 1: assume it was given in error, not as some deliberate snub or wish to humiliate your child.

Step 2: ask yourself whether you have ever made mistakes. Feel grateful that people have given you the benefit of the doubt.

Step 3: treat the mother exactly as you ever have, get on with a happy, judges-pants-free life!

Pinkkittens292 · 03/12/2018 21:36

I'm sure there is an innocent explanation.
I mean why would anyone knowingly wrap a gift that had clearly been used knowing what the other parent would think? It makes no sense.
No-one would deliberately put themselves in that position surely?
It was clearly one of the scenarios that have already been mentioned.
My bet is that her daughter had one the same, and the mum accidently picked up the wrong one in the mad rush without realising.
I'm sure she will be mortified if/ when she realises!

BettyBitchface · 03/12/2018 21:41

When I was a child my brother got a massive redundancy payout and his fiancée excitedly told me they'd got me a nice present while out spending shit loads in expensive shops. I was imaging what it could be all afternoon. It was presented to me after tea.
.
.
.
It was a twix and it was completely melted.

My mother verbally tore my brother a new one.

Moral of the story, some adults think kids should be grateful for rubbish.

Despacitoburrito · 03/12/2018 22:04

My ex’s mother once gave me a box of chocolates that were half eaten. I was mortified! I always assumed that her teenage son had helped himself before she wrapped them up. Perhaps she hated me. Or it was her way of telling me I was overweight!

Flopjustwantscoffee · 03/12/2018 22:18

It could even have been opened in the shop by another child who pilfered the stickers etc

Underpressure101 · 03/12/2018 23:33

Why is everyone saying not to mention it? Itsobviously a mistake- the other mum would probably be mortified and could make it right.

Fatasfook · 04/12/2018 00:06

My daughter often wraps something used of her own to give to her friends for their birthday. It’s what she has to give so I let her give it. I shudder at the grabbiness of this thread.

TheGoogleMum · 04/12/2018 00:14

I still remember my aunt and uncle giving my sister some books that had already been written in for one Christmas or birthday (I forget which but remember they had been written in!). They were always better off than us and had a big house so clearly cheaping out on presents seemed a bit harsh (they had kids too and my parents didn't give them used presents!). Not forgotten now I'm 30!

Catsinthecupboard · 04/12/2018 01:55

My mother in law would ask what ds wanted and then buy it for his cousin. I stopped telling her.

Ignore it. Nobody does that on purpose.

SleightOfMind · 04/12/2018 02:06

I’m amazed anyone would have expectations of schoolfriend presents?
Mostly this stuff is just grabbed from the present cupboard?

I’d brush it off as either she didn’t know the DC had already got into it or they’d had a stressful weekend.

Good opportunity to teach your DC not to care too much about presents either - there’ll be a lot more rubbish ones to come Grin