to think that its logical to think that "strong" women are MORE likely to be victims of abuse?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I have "come out" as a victim of domestic abuse. Everyone knows we split up, but now I have found myself able to talk about why.

The amount of shock I have had, comments such as "But are you ballsy/strong/independent!", amazement that I have put up with it.....but surely if a man is threatened or hates women he is more likely to assault an apparently strong woman? She is more likely to stand her ground, more likely to argue back, less likely to walk on eggshells, more "in need" of taking down a peg and being shown her place?

Ime, women haters are attracted to apparently strong and independent women but then seem to need to take them down.

Please dont think that I am saying that only women like me are victims, women haters hate all women and will attack without prejudice, but its unfair to assume that a woman who doesnt take any shit should not "allow" herself to be a victim of abuse? I almost feel that people are thinking "Well she acts all proud and strong but she stayed with him for years...." as if they are, not blaming me for what happened, but blaming me that it went on so long.

YANBU my ex saw it as a challenge to break me as a person as I was ballsy, independent and strong. Any woman can fall into an abusive relationship and it is shit.

for you OP - keep strong, you are amazing.

I'm not knowledgeable by any means, but I think it's more about the man than the woman. Some men will abuse women, period. I'm not sure if the woman being 'strong' or not is relevant. But as I said, I'm no expert.

Some men will abuse women

I completely agree. But I am shocked that so many people are shocked that I am a victim, based on my personality. Like I couldnt (or shouldnt) be a victim of abuse because I am the way I am. Its not quite victim blaming, but its pretty damn close. Almost as if it would be understandable if they perceive me as weak and pliant, but as I'm not, I should have put a stop to it much sooner.

I am finding hard to articulate what I mean, sorry!

@IHATEPeppaPig

Thank you, I;m not amazing but I do my best!

Well, it depends how you define strength.

I obviously HAD a lot of strength enduring my X's bullshit and abuse for 7 years. But why did use my strength in that way? Why did I not walk away?

So yes, I know what you mean, I was a strong person but a strong person who didn't value herself.

Now I think I'm less outwardly, verbally opinionated, less passive, calmer version of strong. I don't use up strength pushing water uphill. I walk away and don't confront the crazy.
I do know what you mean but I think you're focussing on a detail that is just presentation. It's like window dressing to the real problem.

Maybe strength isn't the issue in abusive relationships. It's valuing yourself.

You sound as if you feel that in some way you've let yourself down.
That is 100% not the case.

I walk away and don't confront the crazy.

Oh yes! You do learn which battles are worth fighting and which are not.

I agree it is probably about self worth. But thats why You sound as if you feel that in some way you've let yourself down. this resonates. As I KNOW I didnt let myself down, I did my best. I made mistakes but I did my best. My problem is that I think some people I know feel I let myself down, and that really does hurt.

I agree, OP.

I've been subject to abuse from brother and my sisters' husbands because I have an 'attitude problem' as they called it .

As far as I can see, the extent of my attitude problem is being an independent working woman who makes her own decisions and who won't take their crap (I called the police when my brother became verbally and physically aggressive to me).

The fact that I called the police cemented me in their eyes as a troublemaker.

My sisters took their side and even my mother briefly blamed me but she has since become my rock of support.

I am slowly learning not to give a shit what any of them think.

Oh yes, being the troublemaker because you didnt just sit back and take it. God forbid they should be made to answer for their actions

I agree that it's not a man picking a strong woman. It’s a separate issue that people are reacting to you being strong though.

I was 'strong'. My family never really believed I was abused.

There's some serious lack of info on abuse and victims of abuse.

Glad that coercive control is finally being talked about though.

Glad you're out of it OP. The only way is up now

Pyong first, well done for coming out!!! Hoooo fucking ray!! Almost as tough as escaping! You gotta be strong to do that, and I totally get what you mean.

But, tbh, there are tons of myths about 'who' gets abused. Class myths, age myths, 'type' of women myth, anyone that think that is victim-blaming, that they are targets somehow.

Something that ppl do find difficult to understand though is a strong woman could be abused,well it just goes to show its about the abuser, not the woman.

Some do seem to great delight in taking a woman down, and more of an achievement the stronger she is, but others will do a wide swerve on any woman that picks up in their behaviour, as they will be immediately abusive in retaliation and the mask is down.

Blathering..but well done for being 'out', in every sense of the word!!

Ime strong, intelligent, confident women can be abused just like any other and women haters do seem to target strong women like its some kind of victory to think he's breaking her, hurting her, destroying anything she has worked hard for. Ime an abusive ex I ended up escaping was well liked and was perceived as a good person. 'He's so nice, I can't imagine him doing ...' So men who seem kind, generous, helpful, upstanding citizen can be an abusive, wife/girlfriend beating, misogynistic, control freak behind doors. Ime I stayed out of genuine fear of being murdered if I tried to leave. I tried to plan leaving so the ex felt like he won I left valuable stuff behind and started again from scratch, over a period of time I removed anything that had information that could be used to track me or anyone known to me, I lent him a large sum of money and didn't get it back. I left empty handed and broke. I snuck out in the middle of the night, jumped in the car and never looked back. It has cost me a great deal and I haven't fully recovered. I haven't been believed, I have been victim blamed, I've been labeled. I know who I am and I am strong within. I wrote this poem many years ago :

You have a box
You tried to put me in it
But I won't fit inside the box
Not even for one minute

Perhaps it is the box
It's just a bit too small
It accommodates your own opinion
And not much else at all

I do not fit
Inside a box of any size
And if you really think I do
You're in for a big surprise.

I think you need to understand the dynamic, what made you tastier prey than a woman who might have just stared blankly back at him as he verbally abused her. She would not give him any sense of power. The abuser needs to see that he has upset you.

Because abusers have low self- worth and have to use their egos to feel any sense of self worth, what an abuser needs to do is to create drama and upset in another person which feeds his ego in a temporary way. ''I caused her pain'' inflates his ego temporarily. So he gets a temporary hit from causing pain, indignation, self-righteous defense.

I think you're making a mistake to call the decision to defend yourself ''strength'' in this context.

Your motivation to defend yourself was to make him believe you or your version of events.

If you'd been strong you wouldn't have needed his approval or his blessing or his validation, in that moment or generally.

Strong does not equal verbally defending yourself. It is a weakness that makes you need to defend yourself.

Strength in this context definitely means ''get me away from this toxic behavior ASAP''

The choice to hang around, living on trial, living in the dock, living the life of an accused on trial is not strength.

It's a dynamic that appeals to the abuser all right.

And hopefully it no longer appeals to you.

OP, a book I read by Anne Dickson had a list of rights. Specifically rights for women but they hold true for people. The book was written with women in mind though.

One of the rights which it helped me to read was this. '' I have the right to make a mistake ''

This helped me enormously in my recovery. Just knowing that I had the right to draw a line between the two halves of my life, before I walked away from abuse and .... after I walked away, it helped me not to spiral downwards berating myself for the choice I'd made when I had less consciousness, less self-worth and instead, to focus on building my self-esteem and my self-efficacy and (to sound really cliche for a moment), getting to know myself and what I wanted out of life and what would make me feel content and like my life was fulfilling.

It does take energy to endure these toxic relationships. But it's a waste of energy. It's a pointless waste of your resource of energy.

So substitute the word strength for energy when you analyse this. That would be my advice to you now.

I agree with Disquieted1

Men who abuse women are the problem

It's similar to alcohol/drug addiction. Under the 'right' circumstances it can happen to anyone. Same for abuse, particularly when it comes from a person you love and who says they love you. Most abusers are charming initially and the abuse creeps in slowly over a period of time. It's rare for a man to beat the crap out of you on a first date.

TheMagician what you say really resonates with me. I know a couple of women through work who were previously in dv relationships. They can both be very argumentative and aggressive. They seem to have turbulent relationships with many people and seem to think that people are constantly trying to take advantage of them or are treating them badly.

I agree, op. I'd also like to add its not just men who are abusive towards a woman they consider strong.

From my experience women are equally abusive. I have a couple of friends who I have known since school. Very supportive throughout dv relationships I have experienced. They too have been on the receiving end of abuse.

I'm now coming through the other side.. very much stronger (I was strong before) . These 2 'friends' are now the ones who constantly put me 'back in my place'. I'll give some examples - after years of depression & feeling basically shit about myself, I got a job in finance (I have a degree in economics). Reaction - you've sold us all out. I then made money through property.... (it was a fuck load of hard work).... Reaction - a sarcastic fucking well done. I bought a house without a mortgage... . Small but OK for me & the DCs... Reaction - gosh! I thought you'd be living in a shack selling yourself on a street corner (I'm black, by the way, but that's a whole 'nother thread story)

All done with an 'Im only joking'.

I think it's insecure people in general who put women down. Fuck 'em & rise above it.

TheMagician anyone who thinks you have choice in such a relationship seriously doesn't understand the dynamic that you are 'telling' others they don't understand!

Yes, just wander on out, its really that easy!! Well no actually, its not, clearly its not.

And it also does take huge strength to survive it!! Especially when there are DC involved.

I don’t think that’s helpful tbh.

I was a victim because I was easy prey due to a toxic and abusive childhood.

He saw that and he picked up on it.

Because my birth family was toxic I had no support he had alienated me from my friends and I had nowhere to go if I wanted to leave.

That’s not strength or weakness. It is just a set of circumstances in me that he picked on

Comedyboobs all power to you. I think what you are encountering ther is common or garden jealousy, as evidenced by sold us all out and a shack... you did better than they expected of you and they needed, for their own insecurities for you you stay inside some box, when actually you have also done them and all of us a favour by showing everyone, no, I don't have to stay inside some box of others creation!

Just wanted to congratulate you for breaking away from sort of crap expectations! Awesome!
Men are killing women though, regularly, women are just not.

Dfwr no, stats don't prove this. Ihave heard many women here speak of having great childhoods that for abused.

It really is about the man, not the woman. You cannot make a man abusive, they are already that way, and will, yes, on your particular vulnerabilities, as they would on any woman/persons vulnerabilities.

An abuser is an abuser no matter what he will find a way as he cannot accept anything else

What I mean is that I was an easier target because of my background.

It certainly wasn’t me being strong.

Hi @ComedyBoobs. You ditched the abusive man, now it is time to ditch the abusive "friends".

I know you wouldn't see it as being strong, but surviving it, and your abusive past does take strength and make women strong.

Its extremely difficult, amongst the worst of difficult challenges in life