to think that its logical to think that "strong" women are MORE likely to be victims of abuse?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I have "come out" as a victim of domestic abuse. Everyone knows we split up, but now I have found myself able to talk about why.

The amount of shock I have had, comments such as "But are you ballsy/strong/independent!", amazement that I have put up with it.....but surely if a man is threatened or hates women he is more likely to assault an apparently strong woman? She is more likely to stand her ground, more likely to argue back, less likely to walk on eggshells, more "in need" of taking down a peg and being shown her place?

Ime, women haters are attracted to apparently strong and independent women but then seem to need to take them down.

Please dont think that I am saying that only women like me are victims, women haters hate all women and will attack without prejudice, but its unfair to assume that a woman who doesnt take any shit should not "allow" herself to be a victim of abuse? I almost feel that people are thinking "Well she acts all proud and strong but she stayed with him for years...." as if they are, not blaming me for what happened, but blaming me that it went on so long.

Thank you Rebel, that pretty much sums it up.

I cant tell you how cross I am at being told that how I view and describe myself is wrong because someone who knows so much more about these things than I do, has decided it is.

Frankly trying to get a person into a pigeon hole that suits their view of how that person should be is exactly what an abuser does!

Focus on the men, the 'weak' perpetrators, they have a profile, a range of matching tactics, who they victimise is their choice and any subjected to it are unlucky.

I only saw the topline of the deleted message but I'm thinking it was an attack on me as I saw my name in it, and its impressive to see you stand strong against it Pyong

Actually I think it was an attack on anyone who doesnt fit what that poster believes is the "classic" profile of the victim. We're all different, who knew?

Ha! pyong also extremely unhelpful for any reading that considering they don't fit and can therefore not be a victim, is a pile of bollox, but more than that, harmful and dangerous.

I completely agree.

My previously abusive "relationship" was mentioned......I was 16 and he thought that no meant he could try and do it anyway. I got out of the house and never saw him again, not sure how that equates to me having being a previous victim in the way she describes it But if another woman had never been treated badly and saw this and then thought "Ah, well that proves it isnt abuse, it must be my fault, I must be over reacting...."

You are absolutely right that it is extremely dangerous.

It's always the women who are blamed

It's always our boundaries, what we put up with, our inability to know healthy, our lack of understanding...

@incallthebloodytime There's a difference between "blaming" and explaining. The things you mention are not necessarily in a person's control. They are contributing factors though and identifying them helps to identify vulnerable women who can be offered support, which is especially useful when these women don't realise how vulnerable they are.

There's a difference between "blaming" and explaining.

Exactly.

OP you asked it was "logical" that strong women are more likely to be abused. I've provided data, studies and the testimony of DV experts to back up my opinion that it's not. But It seems like anything that doesn't fit your narrative is offensive to you.

Look if you really need to believe that being "strong" is what gets women into abusive relationships and thus presumably "weak" women are in non abusive relationships then I hope for your sake that is a helpful belief for you in the future.

I'm not sure why you posted an AIBU though because you clearly only want reassurance. Maybe you're not quite "strong" enough to hear dissenting opinions?

vuripadexo!! And you don't see that you are being offensive?!?

Meta data from WA says otherwise. Anyone can find stats to support most views, and you have done that.

Explaining and blaming completely different yes, and completely unrelated.

Explanations need to be done in a non-blaming way is the point, because the man is in control of the woman on many levels and that is not her fault, his, and his alone, whether perceived as a 'strong' or 'weak' woman, both judgements, and not the most helpful.

However, there is a certain trait in a perps misogyny that just loves to knock a strong woman, and that's where I believe OP is coming from whether that perceived strength is something the perp sees as a challenge to rise to, yes.

They hate all women anyway, so whether they are drawn by the nurturing, the giving personality, the charisma, the strength, the weakness.

We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. It is the perps job to erode the strengths and to find and take advantage of the weaknesses.

Projection, much..as you sound like the angry one because your view is being disagreed with.

I have to say that I don't have any idea if strong women are at high risk of abuse in the course of a relationship ( which doesn't mean it doesn't happen ofc, i just believe other groups are more vulnerable) but I do think they are a target socially and even more so professionally.

I totally agree, and had never thought of this before!

I have been bullied at work, another woman has suffered too. People seem incredulous that it is the two of us this has happened to, citing the 'strong woman' argument.

I now understand it. The guy is an absolute misogynist, so picked on us as the women who needed taking down a peg or two.

I grew up in a home with Dv.
My mum was brave, if that's the right word to use. I use the word brave purely as she put up with so much for so long, 13 years. But she was not strong.

I felt she never possessed the strength to make the right choice.

She was vulnerable as she had been psychically and mentally abused by her father when she was a child and I feel that my father noticed this within her when he met her. I think he felt she was easy prey.

The abuse started pretty much from the start. Before marriage, before children and at a time where financially she could have supported herself comfortably.

She says she stayed because she loved him and thought that if she loved him enough that she could change him.

He never did.

DV affects everyone that lives within the household. My father never hit me or my sibling but he would lock us under the stairs or in a cupboard so that he could beat her without us seeing it. But we heard everything.

I wish that she had loved herself enough to realise that she deserved so much better than him.

I can't see any reason good enough to stay with an abusive man.

It seems like anything that doesn't fit your narrative is offensive to you.

Wrong again.

What is offensive to me is being blamed for my own abuse, my family being derided and it being implied that how I describe and feel about myself is incorrect as it doesnt fit what you have decided an abused woman is and should be.

I will not tolerate victim blaming, and that is what your deleted post was.

I am happy to discuss this, I am not happy to be told that a self appointed expert has decided they know more about me than I do.

Don't worry about it OP

I don't know whether it's true that strong women are more likely to be abused

I do know that it's a logical thought to have however.

It gets on my nerves too to be told I just don't understand how vulnerable I was

My abuser definitely believed I was too strong for them to be being abusive, and so did many other people. Yet I still got abused.

People have this idea in their heads that only weak women tolerate abuse. I don't think anybody tolerates it... you're just trapped, whoever you are.

I haven't RTFT (I know, I know) and there seems to be an argument going on but I wanted to add my experience. I was often called strong/ballsy/take no shit kinda woman. I ended up in a relationship that was emotionally abusive from quite early on and became physically abusive. He took great pleasure in telling me that I was pathetic because the "me he first met" would have told him to fuck off. It was like a game for him to destroy me in many, minor but cumulative ways. I did leave, easier in many ways as no children and a family home begging me to come home so no judgement from me if anyone ever finds it harder to leave. Do I know why it happened to me? Yes. I have crippingly low self esteem for reasons I can't fathom and I hate being wrong. I've been told I'm heartless now. I'm not. I've just no time or mindspace for bullshit. One thing I did was tell anyone that asked what happened to me and what he did to me because (wrongly but it might help) I find people think if it can happen to her then maybe it is actually happening to me.