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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say its not a disease its a habit which started with choice. Alcoholism

406 replies

TreeFu · 01/12/2018 17:03

My mother is a prolific binge drinker much to the detriment of myself and others around her, she has accepted she has a problem with drink but cannot be bothered to do anything to change her habits.

She can and does go for periods of time without touching one drop of alcohol, this is when she has no money to access it. During those periods she is just fine without it but as soon as she has access to money, she will binge until it runs out.

AIBU to believe this has nothing to do with disease and is down to her being weak willed, selfish and enjoying booze more than she cares about the wellbeing of those around her.

OP posts:
Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 15:21

She's OK today, I've brought her to a drugs and alcohol support center and she's registering as I type this and has an appointment for this coming Wednesday to come in for a talk.

She drank alcohol again last night I presume to deal with the shakes, no shakes today but she'll probably drink more when she goes back later. The thought of her going and doing it all over again infuriates me, but if her body shakes for it then I have to understand its a case of need over want.

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 03/12/2018 15:49

OP thanks for updating us on how things are.
I am guessing this is pretty tough for you as now you know she does withdraw if she doesn't drink. Which suggests even you didn't know the true extent of the problem.
I hope she can start dealing with it but it is very likely that she will relapse even if she is willing to try.
Have you found out about Al-Anon for some support?

RayRayBidet · 03/12/2018 15:51

Sorry if I sound pessimistic, from personal experience (a relative and a colleague) I know it's a high risk of nothing changing. I didn't mean to sound so blunt.

AyoadesChinDimple · 03/12/2018 15:54

YANBU

Original poster
TreeFu · 03/12/2018 16:15

Yeah I hadn't realised it has escalated to physical withdrawal, this is new to me as until very recently she hasn't had that after drinking or after going several days without.

It sounds to me as though she really pushed her luck this past week and was drinking not only heavily but constantly and pushed her body too hard.

I'm under no illusion this appointment on Wednesday will fix everything, but I'm pleased she's at least come willingly and has committed to going and talking to somebody.

She insists she needs tablets of some sort and I reminded her that even if she were to be given something, her own will and a strong desire to change is the thing that will get her through it, not just tablets.

I asked whether she wanted a normal life and she cried, saying yes and that her body can't take much more as she's lost all her strength.

Whatever happens from now on I can't allow it to consume me as it has been doing, I've done all that I can and more than I should so only time will tell.

OP posts:
RayRayBidet · 03/12/2018 16:21

It's so hard, sending you a very un-MN hug and Flowers

nomoreusernamesfree · 03/12/2018 17:39

OP check out
NACOA and
COAIsathing
See you there ;)

LJdorothy · 03/12/2018 20:46

She might be prescribed Antabuse or something similar, but as you told her, pills are useless if she isn't totally determined. Don't listen to anybody who tells you that you can make a difference to her outcome, and tries to guilt you in any way. Only your mum can help herself and there is absolutely nothing wrong with stepping back and letting her get on with it. You have to consider your own health and happiness and that of your family.

thighofrelief · 04/12/2018 00:29

I'm fairly certain antabuse is no longer prescribed, at least in the UK.

CollyWombles · 04/12/2018 01:01

Unless they stopped prescribing it within the last six months, antabuse is certainly still available, my DH was on it up until June this year.

It's not something doctors will prescribe lightly however. Drinking on antabuse can be fatal.

FruitCider · 04/12/2018 09:40

Antabuse is still available but in very limited circumstances.

Anyway, it's not a detox medication and therefore does not help with withdrawals.

thighofrelief · 04/12/2018 12:21

Oh, my GP flat out refused when I asked years ago.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/12/2018 12:29

Talking of GPs... we had very little help from our GP when dealing with an alcoholic member of the family. Despite being in the first stages of liver failure, the GP's only helpful prescription was a "whale music" cd to help relax them as that might help them drink less.

I shit you not.

Nat6999 · 04/12/2018 13:17

Being an alcoholic isn't a lifestyle choice, nobody wakes up & thinks "I'm going to become an alcoholic today" Its like saying that lung cancer is a lifestyle choice in smokers. Addiction is a deep rooted mental health condition, many addicts who undergo psychotherapy as part of their recovery are found to have events from their past that have damaged them psychologically. Addiction isn't only a mental health condition, there are the physical effects as well, whatever someone is addicted to produces dopamine which is a chemical within the body that produces a feeling of wellbeing, almost like being wrapped in a fluffy blanket with a warm drink does or a cuddle.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/12/2018 13:57

Being an alcoholic isn't a lifestyle choice, nobody wakes up & thinks "I'm going to become an alcoholic today" Its like saying that lung cancer is a lifestyle choice in smokers.

I'm not disagreeing with you, but I think this is exactly where the problem with all of this discussion lies - a smoker or drinker, at least initially, has a conscious choice to choose to indulge in the vice. For instance, I don't want to die of lung cancer, so I choose not to smoke. Just like I don't want to die of skin cancer, so I choose not to smoke. I also don't want to die of liver failure so I choose not to drink excessively. This is the crux of the problem - these are choices (albeit potentially negatively stacked ones depending on your mental health, at least up to a point.

One of the most painful things that those who are close to an addict of any kind has to deal with is those choices that an addict makes. That they weren't enough and the addict chose/chooses their addiction over the people around them.

Just my ponderings anyway.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 04/12/2018 13:59

*meant to say:
"I don't want to die of skin cancer, so choose not to go in tanning booths"

Sorry. That will teach me to type and eat at the same time ;)

GivingBloodFeelingGreat · 04/12/2018 14:09

I agree with you, OP.

I'm sorry but alcoholics deserve no sympathy. They chose to drink themselves nearly to death and hurt everybody around them. There was somebody in my class in college who's Mum was an alcoholic and suddenly she just broke down in class because of it.

That's unforgivable in my book to put your child through that.

You can all flame me and call me every name under the sun if you want. I've grown a thick skin these past few years.

LJdorothy · 04/12/2018 18:09

My DH put me and his kids through that but he was a lovely man, just not strong enough to overcome his addiction. My feelings as he deteriorated were a mixture of anger and pity, and relief when it was over. Forgiveness is up to the individuals involved, and not the business of random strangers.

Shepherdspieisminging · 04/12/2018 18:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

A580Hojas · 04/12/2018 18:16

I hope it works out for your mum op. In my dh's family there is an alcoholic who almost died. He drank heavily for years. There was a crisis 3 or 4 years ago and it really was almost the end. But he gave up and has been sober since. He's in his mid 60s. There is a sense of everyone being on tenterhooks in case he relapses, but the longer he stays sober the more people around him are starting to relax a little bit. It's all you can do. Barry Humphries and Anthony Hopkins and Frank Skinner and Anne Robinson have managed it. People do see their way to sobriety ... let's hope your mother is one of them Flowers.

CollyWombles · 05/12/2018 00:16

@thighofrelief GP's will refuse if they aren't convinced of the intention to quit alcohol and also if there is already liver problems.

DH was also prescribed benzo's to take when withdrawing, tapering the dose down each week, for a month but GP's will only do that once in the case of alcoholism.

thighofrelief · 05/12/2018 09:41

Colly I suppose that is the crux. Alkys, due to the compulsion, can't be trusted to follow through on their word re quitting. I knew I was serious but how could the GP. I quit with the aid of valium (for one month and only on what would have been binge days) which I had to get from a source other than my GP as she wouldn't prescribe it. I knew I was deadly serious and grimly determined - but I wouldn't have been comfortable prescribing to me either had I been the GP. The nature of quitting is that it is the 1000th attempt that sticks.

SalemBlackCat4 · 05/12/2018 12:47

@GivingBloodFeelingGreat "They chose to drink themselves nearly to death and hurt everybody around them."

No they do not choose that at all. What would you say if the mother was an alcoholic due to coping with being raped or being sexually abused as a child? I bet you would have no sympathy then either.
So wonderful to live a privileged life, isn't it? Maybe trying thinking some more. You may claim you have thick skin, others may claim you are thick in the head or simply don't possess logic, compassion or clarity of thought.

*NB Disclaimer, my father was an alcoholic, which was caused by denial and shutting down over him being sexually abused and physically abused (whipped with thorns) by a Catholic priest in an Orphanage which he was in from 6 years old. If you had heard his and the other students' stories, perhaps you may have compassion for what drives people to escape emotional and psychological pain through drinking, and not be so self-righteous and so ignorant and so lacking in basic compassion.

SalemBlackCat4 · 05/12/2018 12:53

My father put us through hell with his drinking, but the hell he was going through psychologically, emotionally, and in his soul (made WORSE by the fact the priest was let off because he was 'too old' when there were 30 other former boys who came forward with charges against him) was worse than what we went through. Life is not black and white. Alcoholics are not just self-indulgent people who only put themselves first. Alcoholics have usually had severe trauma that you can only dream of understanding or imagining. We are all human beings with frailties, experiences etc. No one CHOOSES to be an alcoholic. It is not like it is a choice. Some people have clearly led a sheltered and blessed life and hence unable to put themselves in other people's shoes.

TheNavigator · 05/12/2018 13:33

Alcoholics are not just self-indulgent people who only put themselves first.

Some are. Like you say, life isn't black and white so quit taking the moral high ground over another posters legitimate views about alcoholics, no doubt informed by her life experience, which is just as valid as yours.