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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Feel like a control freak!

102 replies

Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 14:53

Need some sound advice here ladies as I feel like a total control freak and I hate it!!

DP, myself and 2dc’s (from a previous relationship) always spend Saturday together doing something as a family - even if it’s just staying in and having a movie/duvet day. DP sees himself as stepdad, he has a great relationship with DC’s and vice Berra. 2dc’s are NC with their biological father (his choice) I’m currently 5 months pregnant.

Myself and DP don’t live together yet but he’s moving in at the end of the year as he rents and I own. He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc. He doesn’t contribute financially but will when he moves in.

Today DP got a new laptop. He called me and said he was just going to stay at his own place this afternoon to set it all up etc, then go to the gym with his friend but would see us “about 7pm” I was really pissed off as we always spend Saturday together as a family.

He said I’m totally over reacting - am I?

OP posts:
MaggieMeldrum · 01/12/2018 14:55

Yes you are.

Holidayshopping · 01/12/2018 14:57

I suspect you are. However,

He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here

Be careful. I wonder if you’ll be complaining that you still do all this in a few months after he’s moved in?

Maelstrop · 01/12/2018 15:03

He should be contributing financially if staying with you 4/5 days a week. Are you paying for his food/electric/gas/water usage and if so, why isn't he? That's ridiculous. Bad start, OP. Don't let him have any part in making claims to ownership of YOUR house.

Suebnm · 01/12/2018 15:09

You're not a control freak but you literally cannot force your boyfriend to spend time with you and your children when he quite obviously doesn't want to today.

Your boyfriend is going into this relationship with you and soon to be 3 children with his eyes open isn't he?

HollowTalk · 01/12/2018 15:12

No wonder he's got the money for a new laptop if you're funding him most of the week!

Oysterbabe · 01/12/2018 15:14

Yabu. He shouldn't have to spend every Saturday with you forever.

onceandneveragain · 01/12/2018 15:17

Yes you're overreacting - if he lived with you full time, or even if he was dc's parent and you'd never split up, would you really expect to spend the whole of every single saturday together? It's completely normal to do different things, whether you live together or not, and he's coming over in the evening and presumably you've spent the normal 4/5 days with him over the last week so hardly as if you've been abandoned!

When he does move in, is he really not going to be 'allowed' to see his family, go to the gym, or go for a pint ever on a Saturday? How about your dc when they are a bit older? You really need to relax a bit more!

Doing all the cooking/cleaning etc. is irrelevant to this question, he's not a child, you don't 'look after' him in exchange for his presence, although I agree with other posters you are making a rod for your own back.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/12/2018 15:17

Sounds like a cocklodger to me.

Regnamechanger · 01/12/2018 15:18

"I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc."
That's wrong for a start. How about you share the chores and share the valuable time with dc's? Are you planning to continue to do all the drudgery when he moves in? Or give him a culture shock?
You're being unreasonable to object to him having a bit of time with his mates, now and when he's moved in.

funkylittleboatrace · 01/12/2018 15:22

Don't you like having a bit of time to yourself OP?.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 01/12/2018 15:24

YABU and controlling. Just because he usually spends all day Saturday with you doesn’t mean he’s committed to that forever. He’s allowed to make other plans.

smallchanceofrain · 01/12/2018 16:28

YABU. You know that you're over reacting. I wonder what you'll be like when your DCs are no longer young enough to want family time every Saturday, when their friends seem more important than you and you're consigned to the sidelines as a bit part player in their lives.

I also think DP is a potential cocklodger. Be careful you don't end up doing everything for three children and him as well once he moves in.

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 16:34

So no one is allowed to make other plans on a Saturday? Ever?

Original poster
Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 16:35

I am absolutely not stopping him from going to the gym or seeing his mates! I never have and never will.

He goes to the gym every day, I never say a word about it. He sees his friends when he wants, I never say a word about it. He has nights out with friends, I never say a word about that. He sees his family...goes for a pint...has 2 or 3 days out of the week where we don’t see each other, AT ALL, which I think is good as it gives us time to ourselves and time to miss each other. And that’s when I get my QT with the kids.

If he wanted time today to do any of those things I would have been totally fine with. But to want to spend all day “setting up a laptop” when we had arranged to do something with the kids?? That shouldn’t take priority. I don’t see why the laptop could have been set up this evening.

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 16:45

So he cancelled actual plans? As in not just vague 'let's do something as a family' But actual plans to sort his laptop.

Because you op doesnt say that, does it?

Original poster
Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 16:58

Yes - he cancelled actual plans. Apologies that I didn’t mention this in my OP or if I was vague. We always make plans during the week to do something on a Saturday. He usually goes to the gym on a Saturday morning while I get myself and the kids ready. But today he went and picked up the laptop then called me and said could I just go with the kids myself as he was just going to go back to his place to set up this laptop then go to the gym with his friend when his friend finished work. This was at 12:30pm - friend didn’t finish work till 5 so he could have still done what we had planned to then went to the gym and set up the laptop this evening either at mine or his own place. No?

OP posts:
BlueRose28 · 01/12/2018 17:11

I'm surprised that everyone is saying you're overreacting. Being upset about it and telling him how you feel isn't an overreaction - stopping him and forcing him to stay with you is an overreaction. DP and I spend Sunday together with DD. It's the only day we can with him working. I have to admit I was a bit gutted when he said that he was going to spend the day with his friend, I didn't dream of stopping him though and I completely understand he needs time to himself and quality time with his friends. I was just looking forward to spending it with him, thats all.

Santasushi · 01/12/2018 17:14

You are being a door mat. Do you really believe that he will move in with you next year?

Notacluewhatthisis · 01/12/2018 17:32

Right well cancelling actual in place plans is a bit off.

However having to do family day every single Saturday, in my opinion, is just daft. Sometimes I just want a Saturday to myself. Or no plans.

Original poster
Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 17:54

Notaclue - do you have kids?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 18:01

@BlueRose

Thanks. Yea I didn’t feel like me being annoyed was an overreaction. I didn’t and would never force him to something he didn’t want to nor would I ever stop him going to the gym or seeing friends etc. And if he had cancelled plans today to see friends/family I would have accepted it. But he cancelled plans to play with his new toy. Not on, in my opinion.

OP posts:
Mumshappy · 01/12/2018 18:04

I think when he moves in you there could be issues. Hes currently having his cake and eating it at the moment.

bimbobaggins · 01/12/2018 18:08

Why doesn’t he just move in now rather than wait until the end of the year?

Original poster
Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 18:09

@bimbobaggins

He has to give a months notice to his landlord.

OP posts:
Teacherlikemisstrunchball · 01/12/2018 18:12

Ducking out of a birthday party or important actual event with other people to set up a laptop? Not on. To say ‘actually I don’t fancy going to the park this afternoon because I want to set up my new laptop, I’ll see you later?’ Perfectly and completely normal. Having to spend makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic and that I would like to run away somewhere else.