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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - Feel like a control freak!

102 replies

Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 14:53

Need some sound advice here ladies as I feel like a total control freak and I hate it!!

DP, myself and 2dc’s (from a previous relationship) always spend Saturday together doing something as a family - even if it’s just staying in and having a movie/duvet day. DP sees himself as stepdad, he has a great relationship with DC’s and vice Berra. 2dc’s are NC with their biological father (his choice) I’m currently 5 months pregnant.

Myself and DP don’t live together yet but he’s moving in at the end of the year as he rents and I own. He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc. He doesn’t contribute financially but will when he moves in.

Today DP got a new laptop. He called me and said he was just going to stay at his own place this afternoon to set it all up etc, then go to the gym with his friend but would see us “about 7pm” I was really pissed off as we always spend Saturday together as a family.

He said I’m totally over reacting - am I?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 02/12/2018 10:34

To be fair@notacluewhatthisis..... I also thought from the sounds of your posts you didn’t have kids, I thought you were maybe a single guy or just one of this guys who can only be arsed with their kids now and again.

Yeah of course. Because I don't like the idea of scheduled family time every week and look forward to adult time with my friends.....I must be a man, or childless......or can't be arsed with my kids.

All because I would like to keep occasional weekends to have some time for myself.

Mn makes me laugh sometime. If you want mn to check me out. You can. I have been hear for 8 years. I am sure they can verify.

PookieDo · 02/12/2018 10:37

It is not the view at all that people in relationships can’t have their own life, it’s the unrealistic expectations. He’s not a step dad, he doesn’t fill the role of step dad, but OP wants him to be a step dad and act like a step dad once a week on a Saturday and is upset he’s chosen a laptop and socialising. My advice to you is to blend that family way more than you are currently allowing and give him actual responsibility - this is not goady bitchy advice.

1ndig0 · 02/12/2018 11:04

Airy - I actually totally agree with you that relationships shouldn’t be about tit-for-tat and “do this for me” expectations. It’s absolutely fine to have different roles in a relationship,as far as aim concerned, but there does have to be some kind of balance, otherwise resentment will inevitably build up and there will be “flash points” (as the OP is experiencing).

For instance, I could come on here and post - “My DH has gone on a four- day car-racing holiday again. It’s the fourth time this year. I haven’t been away all year. I do all the cooking and he does no housework. We have 3 DC. AIBU.” All this would be true.

I think we all know what responses I would get to that on MN!

But I could also describe the other side of the coin - ie. I’m a SAHM and all the DC are in school so I have most days to myself; we have a cleaner; DH is extremely hardworking; he never begrudges us anything; we have totally joint finances and share everything; these are decisions we both made; etc etc.

The OP has not given any evidence or even a brief explanation as to how the DP steps up in any way. If she had done, it would have been a different thread and this is the issue.

Aridane · 02/12/2018 11:10

Ducking out of a birthday party or important actual event with other people to set up a laptop? Not on. To say ‘actually I don’t fancy going to the park this afternoon because I want to set up my new laptop, I’ll see you later?’ Perfectly and completely normal. Having to spend makes me feel absolutely claustrophobic and that I would like to run away somewhere else.

This!

MissRhubarb · 02/12/2018 11:36

*Mouseville65 Sun 02-Dec-18 09:34:25
This thread is so 'mumsnet'

Op 'aibu for being pissed off'

Everyone 'no but you have so many other problems, let us pick at them until they bleed'!!!*

This ^^ with bells on. Op, I think wanting time to set up the new laptop is fine. No big deal. I'm saving for a half-decent computer at the moment and will feel a big thing for me when I finally get one and will enjoy setting it up, etc. It's fine you're feeling a bit disappointed too (get to my stage and you might be a bit, "yee-haa, he's out for the day!"). An overreaction would be kicking off and sulking that he's not spending the day, but you're not doing that obviously.

Did everyone fall, hungover, out of the wrong side of bed this morning? A lot of the posts on this thread are ridiculous. The "he's chosen the lap top over your family!" poster. FFS.

Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 11:54

@missrhubarb - absolutely 😂

Other posters - Tbh, I wasn’t really that disappointed but I was pissed off he had let the kids down, after we had arranged to do something with them. The family time thing is for them, as they barely see us during the week due to work. I think that’s a commitment we should always make, the kids are young and love it, I do it for them, not me - as one poster said, it’s the selfless act of a parent - and I agree. And when they’re old enough to say ‘no’ then that’s fine with me also...that’s when I’ll have more time for other commitments and adult time. But until then the kids are and always will be my main priority. That’s jut the way I work.

OP posts:
PookieDo · 02/12/2018 11:54

No. She posted a detailed list of all the things she does for him before detailing what he had done to piss her off. People are only picking up on the OP’s own written words. These were relevant to her when she wrote them.

If these were not relevant to WHY OP is pissed off (they are, she felt hard done by and now has changed her tune and got defensive)

the way the thread was interpreted by me when I first read it was:

‘i do all the cooking, cleaning, washing, pay all the bills and he has an active social life and feel pissed off he has chosen something selfish over spending time with our family’

People are pointing out for her own good she’s not expecting as much of this man as she ought to be and choosing to set your laptop up in a normal, equal relationship wouldn’t be a problem! But if you only expect him to dedicate 1 day a week to your DC it feels worse when he reneges

PookieDo · 02/12/2018 11:58

OP in the kindest way

Other posters - Tbh, I wasn’t really that disappointed but I was pissed off he had let the kids down, after we had arranged to do something with them.

this is because he is a guest in your life with no responsibility

The family time thing is for them, as they barely see us during the week due to work. I think that’s a commitment we should always make, the kids are young and love it, I do it for them, not me - as one poster said, it’s the selfless act of a parent - and I agree

i don’t know how long you have been together but it is not always the case that he will love them the same way you do because he is not their parent or father, he doesn’t live with them and has no responsibility for them. You are selfless parent - your partner is a batchelor

BlimeyCalmDown · 02/12/2018 12:01

You've been pregnant for ?5mths, so he could have handed his 1mth notice in sometime ago I suspect.

Was it a planned pregnancy?

I'd be annoyed to have had plans cancelled at the last minute especially on the 'best' day of the week!

Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 12:04

Pookie doo - I’m not being defensive at all. You, on the other hand seem to be very forceful with your opinions.

Anyway ladies, I’m off. Argue amongst yourselves. This is utterly ridiculous 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 12:05

Blimey calm down - read my previous posts and your questions will be answered

OP posts:
SendintheArdwolves · 02/12/2018 12:19

I hope I'm wrong, but I bet you will be back in a year when he's moved in, and somehow you've ended up doing all the housework and looking after the kids, while he expects to still go to the gym, spend three nights a week in the pub and ducks out of family time whenever it suits him.

He's showing you what he's like. Believe him.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 12:22

You are totally defensive OP. He is showing you right now what he's like and what he expects off you.

Don't ignore it or do and cope with the fall out when he's moved in.

Mumshappy · 02/12/2018 12:25

Op asked for advice doesnt like and so pretends situation isnt as bad as she originally made out

Itsmegarry · 02/12/2018 12:31

“Op asked for advice doesnt like and so pretends situation isnt as bad as she originally made out“

She didn’t ask for advice. She baked if she was being unreasonable.

Itsmegarry · 02/12/2018 12:32

Sorry - asked

Holidayshopping · 02/12/2018 12:53

Will you be happy with him going to the gym this much when you are at home looking after his baby?!

Itsmegarry · 02/12/2018 13:02

Ok, so this is what I have taken from this thread....

OP sees her partner 4/5 nights a week, in her place but I imagine that’s for convenience as all the kids things would be in her place. While her partner is there she’ll cook and clean as that’s her preference. That gives her partner time to spend with DC’s. On the nights her partner spends at his own place, she will have her time with the DC’s. Then, one day a week they arrange to do something with the kids - usually a Saturday, due to work commitments. He bailed on her yesterday to fix a computer. She was annoyed as they had already made plans. He said she was overreacting so she came to munsnet to ask if anyone here thought she was overreacting.

THEN...

One person picks up on the fact she does the chores and the cooking and BOOM - all the little sheep follow. I actually think she made the point of her doing the chores so she could let people see that’s when her partner gets his time with the kids as she then explained when he’s not there, that’s when she gets her time with the kids then they also do something together as a family at weekends. I really don’t see where the issue lies here. I don’t think the OP is getting defensive and isn’t making out the situation isn’t as bad as she first made out BECAUSE she DIDN’T make out it was bad in the first place, she only asked if she was being unreasonable, given the circumstances.

She didn’t ask for her life and living arrangements to be picked apart. From what I see, she lives her life how she chooses and has told her partner that things will change in terms of his responsibilities when he moves in.

This post really is so typical of mumsnet though.

Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 13:05

Holidayshopping

I go to the gym too. I haven’t been allowed to exercise as I’ve had a couple of scares during this pregnancy and was advised not to exercise. When I do start going back to the gym, he’ll be looking after the kids.

Him going to the gym is and never has been an issue and I didn’t make a big deal of it on this post. Exercise is very important to both of us. It was the cancelling plans to fix up a laptop I was pissed off about, nothing else.

OP posts:
Mumshappy · 02/12/2018 13:18

Itsmegarry - first line of post "need some sound advice ladies...."

burnoutbabe · 02/12/2018 13:23

How long have you been together?
If it's been 5 years of the Saturday plan thing that is one issue but if it's been just the last few months then not so much.

Itsmegarry · 02/12/2018 14:05

@Mumshappy

Your reply still doesn’t make sense. If she was on here to make out her boyfriend was bad she would be agreeing with you all. But she wasn’t, she was only wanting an opinion (or advice) on whether or not she was being unreasonable. She hasn’t once argued with anyone who has only commented on this aspect of what she wrote.

Mumshappy · 02/12/2018 14:20

Makes sense to me. I stand by what I said. Of course people will form an opinion in these circumstances

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 02/12/2018 14:27

Leave the bastard. He sounds abusive

*(im taking the piss btw) - but only a matter of time before someone says it

Shriek · 02/12/2018 14:33

I'd like this relationship very much! Work, unfettered, finish work, go to gym, then wait whilst dinner cooked, sitting with DC who are doing their homework.

Join in weekly Saturday family time a commitment for the DC, unless something that can be done anytime comes up! Man child.

Tbh, its a worry when even Bluntness agrees with you!

There is nothing wrong with wanting to do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the finances, its your house and your way of doing things, why would you start moving your finances across to him he has his own to do, but ffs, what fucking TWAT sits there whilst you prepare and cook all his meals for him, and he doesn't say, no, go sit with the DC, you should be putting your feet up, I feel like a wanker sat here taking all the time, its wrong, I will lose respect for you, you need to expect something from me or you're like a housemaid and the DC will get the wrong impression of how 'partnering' works! Not want to be a woman when they grow up, because your division of labour is unfair, on you, and the DC. Once db comes along you will do all that and manage db?

He was wrong to just 'drop' a family commitment, so lightly, but to say he wants out on a particular Saturday is reasonable, or that he doesn't agree with your plan of every sat family time, but to sometimes be a sunday, etc

He needs to pull his weight, you have already been told not to exercise, so he should be stepping up, and can do that with cooking whilst you spend more time with your DC then sat wont be so intense.

I'm sure your DC would far rather your time in the evening for homework help than his, you're their DM, wouldn't you rather do that?

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