AIBU - Feel like a control freak!

[Fupsakee]

Need some sound advice here ladies as I feel like a total control freak and I hate it!!

DP, myself and 2dc’s (from a previous relationship) always spend Saturday together doing something as a family - even if it’s just staying in and having a movie/duvet day. DP sees himself as stepdad, he has a great relationship with DC’s and vice Berra. 2dc’s are NC with their biological father (his choice) I’m currently 5 months pregnant.

Myself and DP don’t live together yet but he’s moving in at the end of the year as he rents and I own. He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc. He doesn’t contribute financially but will when he moves in.

Today DP got a new laptop. He called me and said he was just going to stay at his own place this afternoon to set it all up etc, then go to the gym with his friend but would see us “about 7pm” I was really pissed off as we always spend Saturday together as a family.

He said I’m totally over reacting - am I?

What was the activity he cancelled?

I think because it's your children and not his then it's not awful behaviour, but I can see why you might be annoyed.

You're 5 mths preg, with two DC already you do all the chores, he wafts in and out notsomuch as an offer of help or responsibility for clearing/cooking, sorry, not a keeper. Who does he think he is?!

He has shown you his priority is his laptop..your call now... Not only his priority but dropped family plans without somuch as a by-your-leave!

Nothing wrong with having other plans, but it wasn't really that at all. He's not living with you?!

He's did you tel him you didn't want him to move in, or has he decided he won't, or do you not talk about it? All strange.

Notaclue - do you have kids?

Yeah. 2 of them. Why is that relevant? You assuming I can't possibly understand? So, for clarity. I have 2 kids. I have been a single parent for quite a while after leaving their abusive father, but now live with Dp. who isn't the kids father. Any other info?

Parents still appreciate time away from the kids. I find the whole 'every x day, we must do a family thing' a bit odd. Not everyone is going to fancy it.

Dp isn't my kids dad. He watches them so I can go to see friends etc. We are ttc. I wouldn't not allow him to have the odd Saturday with his mates, or go fishing or whatever floats his boat.

@Notacluewhatthisis

That was a very defensive reply. Why would you find doing a family thing every X day odd? You’re very lucky to have a DP that watches your kids, not everyone has that luxury. I wonder how you’d cope if you had no one to watch your kids and you had to have family time with them every single day. Not every parent has the luxury of being able to appreciate time away from their kids.

I don’t think the OP stops her partner from doing any of the things you mentioned either. She’s annoyed that he cancelled plans to sort a computer. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable about this one night, but in general it doesn’t sound at all like he’s pulling his weight

Itsmegarry it's not a defensive reply at all. I know, I wrote it.

But its clear didn't like my opinion on having to have a family day every week. So went witg the assumption that i probabky didnt have kids. Rather than I just disagree.

Yes I do think it's odd to have a set day, every week that you must do something all together. And soon the kids will be old enough to say 'No' themseleves. I find odd because I can't imagine never been able to make plans on one given day.

You may say it's down luck that Dp watches my kids. I would say that I would not have been with any man who didn't see us all as a family unit. As I said, I was single parent. I know not everyone has support. Even if a parent doesn't have support, they will still probably appreciate and want a day to themseleves, even if they can't actually do it.

Besides which op clearly states in her op, that he very much the children's step dad. Surely if that's the case, he would look after all the children if op wanted to plan something on a Sunday?

As I said, cancel specific plans is a bit shit. But no I don't think he is unreasonable to want a day, to do some stuff for him. And I hope he does the same for the op. If he doesn't then he is a dick.

To be fair @notacluewhatthisis ..... I also thought from the sounds of your posts you didn’t have kids, I thought you were maybe a single guy or just one of this guys who can only be arsed with their kids now and again. I can’t say this is what the OP thought though, maybe she was just curious as to whether you had kids or not from your “daft” post.

I, like the OP (I think) don’t think it’s daft or odd to want to have a family day each week. I can’t think of many parents who would think that actually 🤷🏽‍♀️ Many people work long hours these days and a Saturday or Sunday is usually the only time they really get to spend any quality time with their kids, doing something fun and making memories - that’s the selfless actions of a parent in my opinion.

I’m not saying I don’t have time with friends, but I don’t make that my priority. My priority is making sure I can spend as much time with my kids as possibel at the weekend as, during the week I barely see them due to working full time and if my DH cancelled a family day because he wanted to play on his computer I’d be furious. We, like the OP do something with our kids one day every weekend, it’s something we love doing as a family. I would never dream of cancelling plans with my family to see friends, but that’s just me. After all, there are 2 days in a weekend. Or, I’ll invite my friends along. It’s just the way we are. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

Firstly I think it’s fine he has his own time to do stuff but do you?

I don’t understand why he is the one spending quality time with your DC on a Saturday... is this while you do housework? And he’s not paying you anything in contribution for being there 4/5 days a week? I am not sure him cancelling for a laptop is the issue in itself but part of an issue where he is selfish and you are only just seeing it now. When you have a DC with him is he still going to go to the gym every single day whenever he fancies leaving you with 3 and all the housework to do? What about your quality time with the DC? It made it sound like he is choosing the easy option of sitting watching a film with your kids and it impresses you because it seems nice he’s making an effort. But he’s still more into what suits him than what suits you

Your call OP but I don’t want to think you are so grateful for a man who accepts your DC you are accepting something that isn’t acceptable. I am single parent to 2 DC if this is relevant...

He has to give a months notice to his landlord

Your five months pregnant. Why did he not give notice when he found out you were having a baby?

And yes, I smell a cock lodger. No financial contribution, no housework, happy to do the fun bits of family life but still wants to duck out when a shiny new toy comes along. Gym every day, out drinking with friends several times a week, but still wants to drop by yours four days a week to get his dinner cooked and his bed warmed.

I'm sorry to be a cassandra, but you say this guy "seems himself in the stepfather role" - if this is your idea of a stepfather then your bar is set low. And so is his. I worry that you are so desperate to play happy families and "give your kids a father" that you looking with Rose tinted glasses on everything he does.

Can I also add that your DP just sounds like he visits you during the week, like a houseguest and you wait on him doing all the cooking and chores. This is not step dad behaviour. Step dad/Father behaviour is all the ‘boring’ stuff too. I really think you need to take this opprotunity to reassess his contributions because you will just be back here in a year saying ‘he doesn’t do anything in the house’ and getting told to LTB

While I’m not agreeing that people shouldn’t have time to do what they wish , I’m surprised you are having a baby with this man who can pick and choose when he sees you and your children , it seems you are setting yourself up for a lot of hand wringing and arguing . I’d assume when you have baby and he moves on he will be there taking on everything you are with the kids and house and time .... or not .

@pookieDo

He’s not the one spending QT with my kids on a Saturday? It’s the day of the week we usually do something as a family (all 4 of us) as it’s the only day of the week none of us have work/school.

For me, him not doing the cooking cleaning isn’t an issue - I enjoy to cook and clean and prefer doing it myself. On the nights he’s at mine, I get in from work, do whatever cleaning needs done snd start dinner. He goes to the gym when he finished work so he usually gets in when I’m just about done cleaning or starting the dinner so sits with the kids for a while, while I’m doing it, where’s the issue with that?

Obviously things will change when the baby is here as I won’t have the time to cook and clean as much so he will have to take his fair share, that’s something we’ve spoke about, and I’m confident he will chip in - otherwise I wouldn’t be in a relationship with him or be letting him move in with us.

He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc.

Now add to that he’s at the gym.

He isn’t being a step father he is mums boyfriend who visits

No it’s isn’t obvious to anyone that things will change, and you shouldn’t be so naive

'He has to give one months notice.'
Are you 5 months pregnant with his baby?

Where is everyone getting 5 months pregnant from?

From the opening post.

I don't really see the major issue here with you doing rhe chores and him looking after the kids, right now it's your house, and they are your kids, and your happy with thr set up, I assume he's paying out for his own place. So I'm not sensing cock lodger. Clearly it has to change when he moves in though.

As for wanting to spend a sat doing his own thing, it's a bit shit he cancelled actual plans, but if it's not normal behaviour and a one off, then I wouldn't be stressed about it.

I also don't get all the pearl clutching about him moving in in a couple of weeks, you'll be max six months pregnant. He doesn't have to move in, folks are acting like you got pregnant and he had to rush to live with you. It's not the 1950s ffs.

I’m not being nieve at all. I’m really not one of these women’s who lets men walk all over her. He knows things will change when the baby is here. And if he doesn’t like it, he knows where the door is.

Ive done the single parent thing - for 4 years actually. And I coped tremendously well, I’m a strong person and I 100% will not put up with, what I see as, any crap.

OP - I mean this in the kindest possible way, but most normal men would want to live with you as soon as you told them you were pregnant. If not before, if you were actively ttc. This is the issue that screams out for me.

My DH does very little in the way of housework either, but he would NOT have had me living alone, osrtyone ir otherwise, when I was pregnant. What if, god forbid, you’d had an early pregnancy scare, while he was snoozing in his own flat. What if you were vomiting, or exhausted - or just wanted him there?

This laptop business is neither here nor there. What does this man actually DO FOR YOU, apart from sitting with your kids, homework help etc. You say he gives you no money - does he take you out to compensate for all the meals you cook for him? Does he buy things for you house, the kids, anything? How does he contribute because most men would feel embarrassed not to?

@bluntness100

I really couldn’t agree with you more.

Everyone else - He hasn’t moved in yet as it was my choice not to let him move in straight away. We had a chat and agreed the end of the year. So he handed in his notice at the end of nov and he’ll move in at the end of dec.

I’m a strong independent single parent too for 10 years but this would be deeply unattractive to me in a man who claimed he felt like in a stepfather to my DC, he would just be my boyfriend in this situation.

I also wouldn’t be happy with the example it sets to my teenage DD’s about women’s roles and equality and I wouldn’t feel I could trust the person to magically change overnight suddenly from a man with no children who lives alone and has a busy social life whenever he pleases to a father of 3 jointly running a house. Is that realistic? His first time in that position?

In fact if you are planning on keeping such tight control of all the cooking and cleaning and then expecting it to change when he moves in perhaps this is unfair on him. Perhaps you could ease him into family life more easily than him just being a visitor (and acting like one)

You both sat down and agreed it was too early to move in because of your kids I’m
Presuming buy you get pregnant by him , I think you have jumped way ahead of moving in .

He doesn't contribute to any of the housework, he doesn't pay any rent, he's there 4/5 days a week. And that isn't cocklodging?

Come off it.

My god 🤦🏽‍♀️ I don’t keep a tight control on cooking and cleaning. It’s just something I prefer to do and he knows that so he leaves me to it. If I asked him to cook or clean he would.

There is no example being set to my children regarding this, they know mum prefers to do the cooking and cleaning and that’s just it.

I really don’t understand why such a big deal is being made from this.

My original post was me asking for advice on whether or not I was being unreasonable to be annoyed at him for cancelling plans. Jesus!