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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - Feel like a control freak!

102 replies

Fupsakee · 01/12/2018 14:53

Need some sound advice here ladies as I feel like a total control freak and I hate it!!

DP, myself and 2dc’s (from a previous relationship) always spend Saturday together doing something as a family - even if it’s just staying in and having a movie/duvet day. DP sees himself as stepdad, he has a great relationship with DC’s and vice Berra. 2dc’s are NC with their biological father (his choice) I’m currently 5 months pregnant.

Myself and DP don’t live together yet but he’s moving in at the end of the year as he rents and I own. He stays at mine 4/5 days a week, I do all the chores and cooking even when he’s here, which I don’t mind as he’s usually spending valuable time with dc’s doing homework etc. He doesn’t contribute financially but will when he moves in.

Today DP got a new laptop. He called me and said he was just going to stay at his own place this afternoon to set it all up etc, then go to the gym with his friend but would see us “about 7pm” I was really pissed off as we always spend Saturday together as a family.

He said I’m totally over reacting - am I?

OP posts:
Procrastination4 · 02/12/2018 09:32

From the OP’s original post. End of first real paragraph.

Mouseville65 · 02/12/2018 09:34

This thread is so 'mumsnet'

Op 'aibu for being pissed off'

Everyone 'no but you have so many other problems, let us pick at them until they bleed'!!!

For goodness sake, just because someone likes to cook and clean and is stable enough to live alone until 6 months pregnant doesn't mean she has problems.

Also what the hell do you think single pregnant women do to cope or how women who's DH's work away cope? She's pregnant not crippled.

Procrastination4 · 02/12/2018 09:34

The thread had moved on a bit! Oops!

Original poster
Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 09:34

Ichifanny - the pregnancy wasn’t planned. I was happy with my 2 DC’s and always said I didn’t want anymore kids. He was ok with that. But these things happen. If we were actively ttc, I would have made sure I was living with him first.

OP posts:
ichifanny · 02/12/2018 09:36

Not criticising you getting pregnant I’ve had my own j planned pregnancies what I’m saying is you have jumped way beyond any worries about him not seeing you on a Saturday you are now facing having a baby with someone who is one foot on and one foot out of family life .

Original poster
Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 09:37

@mouseville

Agreed! I think I’ll ask for advice elsewhere next time 🤦🏽‍♀️😂

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/12/2018 09:37

Op. Seriously, if you chose to do chores, whilst he looks after the kids and does homework with them etc, there is nothing wrong with this. There is also nothing wrong with you choosing to act like this is your home and your responsibility till he moves in, and you keeping finances seperate at this stage when you are both maintaing two homes. In addition there is nothing wrong with him and you discussing and deciding he would move in at Xmas when you're six months pregnant. It's all fine.

Clearly when he moves in and you share a home, when a new baby arrives, when you're in thr latter stages of pregnancy then things will need to shift in a way that makes you both happy. And that's what's important you both being happy.

As for the sat if he's just bailed once I wouldn't be overly bothered. It's hardly a hangable offence. I mean seriously, sometimes when you live together, it's your own kids, you still fancy bailing occasionally and cutting loose with friends.

Honestly you think you're being controlling. You've nothing on some of the posters on here.

ichifanny · 02/12/2018 09:37

And I’d assume if you want him to be more like a step dad then you won’t experience how that will be till he lives with you full time and doesn’t get to dip in and out .

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 09:41

I don't know why you're annoyed he cancelled your night in with the kids when it's obvious to him that he can do as he pleases because you don't expect anything of him by way of mucking in with the housework/contributing to the rent etc.

He's taking the piss and you allow it.

1ndig0 · 02/12/2018 09:42

OP, I hear what you say about being in with the cooking and cleaning and U agree this is not the be all and end all. People gravitate towards different jobs / roles. But you have totally evaded the question - WHAT IS HIS ROLE? You say he gives you no money? What does he bring to your life that you wouldn’t have anyway? Does he fix stuff around the house? Sort you car? Buy furniture or replace things? Buy things for the kids or the baby? Where is the effort in his part? Does he take you in dates or treat you? You are pregnant with his child fgs? If he doesn’t make the effort now, it doesn’t bode well.

At present, it sounds as if he lives the life of a single man with benefits. He goes to work as he always did. Goes to the gym as he always did. Comes round to yours, has dinner cooked, spends a bit if time with the kids. All you ask is that he’s available in Saturday afternoons. You are letting him experience all the fun bits with no downside. I bet he comes to the scans etc and thinks he’s super dad. A bit of maths with the kids and he’s stepdad if the year / what more could you ask? Hmm

You are not annoyed about this Saturday or the laptop - it’s the whole set up that’s inherently wrong.

Original poster
Fupsakee · 02/12/2018 09:47

Oh dear god, I give up 🤦🏽‍♀️😂

@bluntness - thanks. Your post is the most sensible I have read.

Thanks for all your ‘advice’ Ladies - have a great weekend 👍🏼

OP posts:
AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 02/12/2018 09:49

OP relax, be a bit kinder to yourself.

And fuck what (most of these) idiots on the internet say

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 09:49

@bluntness - thanks. Your post is the most sensible I have read

Sensible or just that she agrees with you?

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 02/12/2018 09:51

Maybe because Bluntness is not being hysterical or offering unasked for advice about other areas of the op life that other posters see fit to pick apart

ichifanny · 02/12/2018 09:53

Good luck OP with this man acting like a partner instantly as soon as baby as born Hmm

Mumshappy · 02/12/2018 09:54

He will expect to keep doing what hes doing once the baby arrives. He will leave you to do everything after work and he will be down the gym. Youve coped yourself previously as you were used to two on your own but your throwing a baby in the mix now. You need to ask him his expectations of what day to day life will be like once he moves in and baby is here

MyKingdomForBrie · 02/12/2018 09:56

I'd be annoyed at him choosing the laptop definitely, my DH has tried this in the past! Techies and their new toys Hmm

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/12/2018 09:56

On any other day on mumsnet everyone would be saying that a man that lives with a woman 4/5 days a week, who does nothing around the house and contributes zilch financially is taking the piss, that she must not have him move in with her as he's already shown her his true colours.

No idea why some of you think this is ok.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/12/2018 09:58

For me, him not doing the cooking cleaning isn’t an issue - I enjoy to cook and clean and prefer doing it myself. On the nights he’s at mine, I get in from work, do whatever cleaning needs done snd start dinner. He goes to the gym when he finished work so he usually gets in when I’m just about done cleaning or starting the dinner so sits with the kids for a while, while I’m doing it, where’s the issue with that?

Hmmm, he'll be doing this once the baby arrives too. Expecting you to cook and clean while he's in the gym. Embarrassing for a bloke to let his DP do all the cooking amd cleaning when his DP is pregnant. And a bloke that isn't embarrassed by that is not a bloke worth respect.

1ndig0 · 02/12/2018 09:58

Airy - in most relationships, a man wanting to set up a computer ir do x,y,z on a Saturday afternoon would be a total non-issue. The reason it is an issue here, is because this is apparently the only thing the OP asks of him - therefore when he lets her down it feels like a big deal. If she came on and actually explained what this man does do for her if the DC and the general context, then people would no doubt have a different opinion.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 02/12/2018 10:00

And the fact that he doesn't contribute to at least food he eats 4/5 times a week is appalling.

LemonTT · 02/12/2018 10:00

I get it, Saturday became your protected time. Not sure if you formally agreed this or not but it seems clear that’s what it was. Best to speak out and say that’s how you want to keep it.

But things get in the way of protected time. For you and me, laptop set up isn’t one of those things. But for a techy boy/man it’s probably like getting a free spa day.

As a one off, it’s ok but mention how inconsiderate you found it. No argument, just a statement.

PookieDo · 02/12/2018 10:12

Exactly as a PP said this is such a non issue in the grand scheme of things the reason it has wound OP up is because she expects so little from him.

AiryFairyUnicornRainbow · 02/12/2018 10:16

Threads like this, could easily put a person off of being in a relationship. Some people have expectation that the other person will always be 'doing for them' and never have an ounce of free time in which to do anything

Any singletons reading this this is not what real life partnerships are like. Dont fall for the MN bullshit

TwistedChristmas · 02/12/2018 10:25

Well he's got a cushy life and you just where he wants you, hasn't he.

This is probably the start of his "rebellion" of family life. He'll get worse when the baby arrives, not better. In the kindest way possible, you ARE naïve and he IS a cocklodger. He's living with you for 4/5 nights a week but contributes sweet fuck all. He saw you coming.

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