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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask exh to take the elf on the shelf to his house when he has the kids ?

127 replies

Dumbledorker101 · 01/12/2018 11:35

I know this post might sound silly as its just an elf but to my girls its magic and important to them. We have done this for years but Now we aren't together aibu to ask him to take the elf to his house when he has the kids? He has them 3 nights a week and He had them last night for his first night and I asked if he could take the elf so the girls can see him arrive back from the north pole in the morning. It's all they have talked about for the last week they have been so excited.
Bit of a backstory as im new on here .We split up last year in april becuase he left me for an older woman after an affair. He filed for divorce within months and it was finalised in june this year. Then they got engaged and now expecting a baby. We have 2 children together and my son who he has raised with me for the last 10 years but he no longer chooses to see him and my son doesnt feel comfortable going through to their house either.He lives with his fiance and her 3 kids.

He said they aren't bothering with elf on the shelf this year as it will just confuse them and they are doing something different this year.
I said the girls were looking forward to their elf arriving and I was worried they would be upset. The elf has always gone to their grandma's when they have stayed there so they know he can travel to differnet houses. Our eldest girl will be 9 next year and will soon be finding out no doubt that all the magic of Xmas isn't real. This is just one thing out of so many that I'm having problems with. I try my best to make this co parenting work with us now separate but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice.
Please tell me if I'm being petty or is it something that he should do for them for just 9 days altogther that he will have them up to Christmas

OP posts:

category12 · 01/12/2018 11:37

He's said he's not going to, so you might as well accept it.

Do it for them while they're away and take pictures to show them.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 11:37

I mean, it's ok to ask him, but you can't insist he does it. Not everyone wants to do elf on a shelf. It's not an integral part of Christmas and is a very new phenomenon.

Couldn't you just explain that the elf is only in your house and it will wait until she's back?

Sparklingbrook · 01/12/2018 11:39

Show them what the elf got up to while they were away?

MissMalice · 01/12/2018 11:41

I’d let it go. I co-parent and have done an elf at my house for the last six years. Ex has never done one. Husband’s ex has a totally different type of elf. The kids don’t care. Santa brings presents to all three houses. There’s never been any questions about it.

Desmondo2016 · 01/12/2018 11:42

I think I would feel the same as him. But then, I think EOTS is a ridiculous idea anyway. Take photos while they're away and ask if he'll compromose by showing them photos you send him.

Unihorn · 01/12/2018 11:43

We look forward to DSD not being here so we don't have to move the fucking elf

Cynara · 01/12/2018 11:44

The problem is, you could have the whole of MN come on to this thread and agree with you that he should do it, but that wouldn't change anything or make any difference to his choices. He said he's not doing it, so that's that. Don't fight a battle you can't win, just focus on what you'll tell your girls instead. The suggestion that you take photos to show them what the elf has been up to is great.

Original poster

Dumbledorker101 · 01/12/2018 11:46

I could understand if it was a new thing but the girls have had this as a part of their Christmas for years and he helped last year as did his parents too with no issues. So they have seen the elf go there last year already. He did say he was going to call by and pick it up and so it didn't seem to be a problem until last night when I messaged to ask if he was still coming for it a long with a party dress for tomorrow for our youngest.

OP posts:

Allthewaves · 01/12/2018 11:47

I'd rather poke my eyes put than do elf on the shelf so I would say no if you asked.

MrsChollySawcutt · 01/12/2018 11:47

You can't force your ex to do something he doesn't agree with. As others have said, take pictures of the elf whilst the DC are away to show them what happened if you want to keep it going.

Don't like the whole elf thing myself, not my idea of Christmas, not something I did or would want to do with my kids and your ex probably feels the same.

category12 · 01/12/2018 11:48

Well if he takes it, then great - if he doesn't, just take pictures and it'll be a fun thing to show them when they come home.

It's not worth getting stressed about or getting into an argument with him about.

RavenWings · 01/12/2018 11:49

You aren't supposed to touch the elf on the shelf anyway afaik for the magic to work. That's all you need to say to the kids to explain why the elf can't come - take some photos yourself of what he gets up to.
You can't dictate what he does during his time with them.

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 11:49

He's changed his mind, and it isn't something worth trying to get him to agree to. Just think about what you're going to do with the elf when they're not with you - pictures if you want to, and don't worry about it any more.

dementedpixie · 01/12/2018 11:50

I'm so glad this wasn't a thing when mine were younger

Nicknacky · 01/12/2018 11:50

I think you are getting too caught up on this and the emotion of your breakup is understandably clouding your mind.

So you tell you kids that as Santa brings their toys to your house then the elf stays there and you will keep an eye on it.

PuppyMonkey · 01/12/2018 11:52

He’s said he’s “doing something different this year,” so I think that’s up to him. Ask him what he’s doing?

I hope you’re not one of those people who puts elf on the shelf in FB btw. It really, really is of no interest to anyone else.

bridgetreilly · 01/12/2018 11:54

I think YABU, sorry. There are other children at his house too, and if they don't have the elf, yours can't have it there either.

Alfie190 · 01/12/2018 11:57

I don't think you can tell him what to do with the children when it is his time.

Mrskeats · 01/12/2018 12:00

YABU. That elf thing is getting beyond ridiculous. It's up to your ex what he does with his kids.

JustAskingForAFriend · 01/12/2018 12:00

Take photos of what the elf got up to whilst they're at dad's.
And the elf can do something extra silly when they get back

TheBigBangRocks · 01/12/2018 12:01

It's time for him to establish his own traditions and maybe he doesn't like the elf, most people i know hate it.

At nine, she's unlikely to be a believer anyway but just hasn't said anything.

Trills · 01/12/2018 12:02

Your 9 year old probably already knows that the elf is not real-real, and that the magic of Christmas is about how people choose to act towards those they care about, not about actual supernatural beings. (a better kind of magic, IMO)

Soso7789 · 01/12/2018 12:04

What a shit situation. Especially as he's done it for them before. I'd be friggin livid. I guess things will be different from now on and that sucks

gamerwidow · 01/12/2018 12:04

If would be nice if he did it for consistencies sake but he doesn’t want to and you’ve got to accept your DDs will have their own Christmas traditions with him now.

Original poster

Dumbledorker101 · 01/12/2018 12:07

Thanks for your replies. I wish I had never started the bloody thing either but unfortunately it is one of those things that you think is a good idea at the time but then because of the story behind it you are dedicating yourself to it for years! I understand what your saying and will do the photo thing. In fact I might just steal photos from fb of others with the same elf save me setting up scenarios for just a photo. My reasoning was that it just seemed something so simple as just taking the elf and moving it each day for them and it's not a hard thing to do.

OP posts:

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