To ask exh to take the elf on the shelf to his house when he has the kids ?

[Dumbledorker101]

I know this post might sound silly as its just an elf but to my girls its magic and important to them. We have done this for years but Now we aren't together aibu to ask him to take the elf to his house when he has the kids? He has them 3 nights a week and He had them last night for his first night and I asked if he could take the elf so the girls can see him arrive back from the north pole in the morning. It's all they have talked about for the last week they have been so excited.
Bit of a backstory as im new on here .We split up last year in april becuase he left me for an older woman after an affair. He filed for divorce within months and it was finalised in june this year. Then they got engaged and now expecting a baby. We have 2 children together and my son who he has raised with me for the last 10 years but he no longer chooses to see him and my son doesnt feel comfortable going through to their house either.He lives with his fiance and her 3 kids.

He said they aren't bothering with elf on the shelf this year as it will just confuse them and they are doing something different this year.
I said the girls were looking forward to their elf arriving and I was worried they would be upset. The elf has always gone to their grandma's when they have stayed there so they know he can travel to differnet houses. Our eldest girl will be 9 next year and will soon be finding out no doubt that all the magic of Xmas isn't real. This is just one thing out of so many that I'm having problems with. I try my best to make this co parenting work with us now separate but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice.
Please tell me if I'm being petty or is it something that he should do for them for just 9 days altogther that he will have them up to Christmas

What the hell is an elf on the shelf?

@NorthernKnickers
He really should have thought about that before having an affair with a woman who already had three children and the getting her pregnant.
Bit of a lame excuse to stop his kids traditions.
However I do agree that he won't change because he is a proven prick. So I'd just let it go.

"Not a hard thing to do? "
I disagree. I dislike Elf on the shelf immensely and would also refuse to do it.

"but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice."

This is exactly how I used to feel OP after my ex-husband left, for years afterwards. We have a DD who is now 13 and he left when she was 2. I realised after a while that I had to let things like this go. I can't even remember what minor (but significant to me) thing it was now that culminated in a big row, where I said "you really don't give a shit do you?" and he said, "No, I really don't". That helped in a weird sort of way as closure - I'd expected him to still care about things that used to be important to us as a family but of course that whole part of his life was dead to him. He's a loving dad to his DD - I just had to let the little things go.

Once you stop having any expectations that he'll give a shit about things that might have emotional significance or importance to you (as long as those things aren't that important for your kids), it does get easier. It would have been nice if your ex was willing to do the elf thing, but he doesn't care about it, so I'd let it go. Take pics of the elf antics while they're away to show them when they get back.

I think he's being really shitty!

I mean my God it's not hard to do,my DD found out about the Elf on the shelf last year from her friends at school so we got her one and started doing it and she has him again this year.

It's not something I would have chose to do(although I love Christmas)because it was something new to us and we have lots of other traditions of our own but we did it because she wanted to.You do things your not keen on doing for the one's you love and honestly your DC should be at the top of that list of people your do things for because you love them.

I'd of honestly thought he would want to do things like that for his DC being as he's the one who chose to break up your's and they're family!

He only has to do it for 9 days as well,he should try doing it for 24 days,then he could grumble.

I wonder if being as he's said no,if your having any contact with your DC whilst they're with him if you could facetime them with they're Elf or if he'd kick of about that maybe you could still set the Elf up each day doing daft things and take pictures for your DC and put them in a little photograph album(you can pick them up in poundland usually)that way they still get to get that experience and each time they come back from they're Dad's they have the photograph album to look forward to.

p.s. I sound like f*ing Elsa with the number of times I said, "let it go" in that last post.

I think he should do it for his children. He can't be arsed cos he's too busy going along with his new woman's ideas on Xmas, with her children.

I'd be really angry. He had an affair and very quickly has new woman pregnant. You are well rid, he sounds a twat but he should be doing everything he can to keep things as normal as possible for his children. The elf should have been easy for him to do, so he's either too lazy or has new woman in his ear saying 'tell her no.' Either way he's a cunt for it and for having an affair in the first place.

I'd give them a phone/tablet to take with them and text/email them a picture each morning so they can see what the elves have been up to.

I think it’s a shame if it was something he has been a part of and knows that the children enjoy it. But you can’t make him. I’d take pics like a pp said and show them when they return.

Also hold your head high and if he asks you for something that would benefit the kids do it without question. Don’t get into a tit for tat.

And as for the posters saying they wouldn’t do it because it’s creepy or whatever the point is that the dad was happy to do it for years when he was with the op. He will know how excited they are and either can’t be arsed or the gf doesn’t do it for her kids so he can’t. If he had never been part of it then fair enough.

I totally disagree with those suggesting that now is the time to start phasing the Elf out - I hate them too BUT the OP's children don't - and this is going to be their first Christmas with the new regime of him being in another family, so I'd be trying to keep everything else as "normal" as possible for them so it doesn't feel like just another nail in the coffin of their family life!

I've already said YANBU to have asked him to do it - but he's not going to. Glad to see you've taken on-board the suggestions of photos - I think that's going to make your little girls very happy when they see them.

Once you stop having any expectations that he'll give a shit about things that might have emotional significance or importance to you (as long as those things aren't that important for your kids)

I agree with this.

It is horrible that your ex won’t carry on family traditions, but you can’t make him and you have to unfortunately get used to that. You’ll be doing yourself a huge favour once you get to this point.

See, for me, one of the things when my ex and me split (he also had an affair) was that I could let go of the stuff that I hated and that was driven by him, I could say nope, don't do that any more.

It isn't easy when you split and things change, small things and bigger things and some are harder to adjust to than others. As I said, he's still an arse, I just can see his pov on elf on the shelf.

Return the favour when he wants something from you eg flexibility after the baby is born. Don’t roll over and make things easy for this git.

Tbh, as it’s something you regret starting in the first place I’d take this opportunity to let it go altogether.

reality is that the nine year old already knows anyway that it’s just a toy from the shops and you doing the tricks so I’d take this moment to bring the younger one on board as well.

As his partner’s children aren’t doing the elf anyway it’s not unreasonable to not want to bring it into their house. Regardless of his and his GF’s actions there are other children in this equation who are innocent bystanders and whose world will also have been changed with a new man in their lives and baby on the way who don’t need to be brought into this if it’s not something they’ve ever done before.

I wouldn’t do it for anyone else and I wouldn’t expect my children to go along with it for the sake of others so while his actions in your split were wrong he’s not wrong for saying no here. And as you hate it anyway I’d use this opportunity to bring the madness to a close anyway. The younger one can obviously still believe in Santa and that doesn’t have to be let go, but the elf thing isn’t really that important anyway in the scheme of things.

reality is that the nine year old already knows anyway that it’s just a toy from the shops and you doing the tricks so I’d take this moment to bring the younger one on board

Even if the 9 year old doesn't believe, she would still find the elf thing funny. My 9 year old doesn't believe but would absolutely be amused by it. Why should their tradition be stopped because of a shit father.

I think the fact that their father has blown their world apart, should mean he does everything possible to keep anything he can the same for them.

OP and her children's lives have had to change, the lives of the children of the other woman have had to change. But OPs ex and new woman think they can keep making decisions without the a thought for what any of the children want.

As always, it's the children who suffer.

But we don’t know what the children on the other side i.e. the new partner’s children have gone through e.g. did she leave a relationship to be with him also? If so they are also having to adjust and so it’s a difficult balancing act all round.

In an ideal world he would keep everything the same for his kids but so would she. In reality once you start blending families traditions change and things which were once one way are not any more and so on. We don’t know what these children know re the split. They’re nearly two years in as OP said he left the April last year so even if he hadn’t left for another woman it wouldn’t be inconceivable that he might be moved in with someone else and in some cases even expecting another baby. That wouldn’t be ideal either but it happens. My eXH got engaged to his partner at around this point after our split and she fell pregnant just weeks later and he hadn’t left me for her.

In the scheme of things the elf is minor in comparison to whatever else they’ll be going through with the blending of families. It really is a case of pick your battles here.

You keep saying its something so simple but it's a pain in the arse.
After seeing to the 3 children they have and also your Dd they probably can't be arsed thinking of 'fun' things to do with your elf of an evening. I don't blame them
Las wah are they supposed to say to the other children when the elf goes home with your child?

SummerGems

I just think the elf thing could have been done easily. I'm sure the other woman's children would have welcomed an extra bit of fun. The other woman could have still carried out any traditions for her children, I'm sure OPs children would happily and excitedly go along with those as well as their own. It just requires a bit of effort from the adults.

I think he sounds selfish, but anyone who has an affair has to be. If you're unhappy, the split up, don't just see a 'better option', only then leave and then just do what suits you and 'new' ready made family. As I said, it's the children who suffer for a parent who makes crap decisions. He's an arse.

After seeing to the 3 children they have and also your Dd they probably can't be arsed thinking of 'fun' things to do

Well they should have thought about how busy life would be if you have an affair and leave partners and each have children. I find it impossible to feel any sympathy for them. A good parent would be 'arsed'.

as wah are they supposed to say to the other children when the elf goes home with your child?

That the elf is going home with his children but will be back soon, maybe. They've never done the elf thing before so they will cope.

As always, it's the children who suffer.

No child actually "suffers" as a result of their elf having a couple of days off. However, if the situation is allowed to build up into a massive row, they will feel caught in the middle.

No child actually "suffers" as a result of their elf having a couple of days off.

It's the little details that can mean so much to children. If the children are so excited about the elf, as OP says they are, then they will be disappointed. But that's ok because it doesn't fit in with the new life that shit dad has chosen.🙄 My friend does elf on the shelf, she spends between 2 and 10 minutes per night moving it or creating a little scene. She's a single mum of 3, without much help from anyone. This man no longer has his children full time, surely he can put in a little effort when he does have them. After all, he had time to have an affair, build a relationship with this woman whilst still in a relationship with OP and get new woman pregnant. I'd say he's got pretty good time management skills.

It's the little details that can mean so much to children.

It really isn't. Children are not the masters of 'little details'. What means so much to them is having parents that get along, and having a fight about a fucking stupid elf is the opposite of that.

They've never done the elf thing before so they will cope
By the same token, Elf doesn't go to school/doctors/dentist/shops with them, he's not stuck to their backside 24/7, so op's dd 'will cope' too.

OP, I understand you're still upset over how he left/divorce etc but you need to get real.
Your girls will not be scarred for life because Elf has decided to have a 'chill out day at home' whilst the girls are with their dad.

There's also the 3 other children's feelings to factor into this nonsense as well, just because they belong to the OW doesn't mean they don't matter.
it's one of those things that if your going to start it you are basically entering a contract with the kids and the elf that he will arrive every single pissing year until they don't believe anymore
Maybe they just don't want to start this nonsense with the other kids?
It wouldn't be fair to allow the other kids to get excited/caught up in this and then basically tell them that this kind of 'fun' is only reserved for your girls.

It really isn't. Children are not the masters of 'little details'.

It really is. When they are older the children will absolutely remember the time they had to go to their dads and the elves didn't come. Their Christmas tradition being broken. And with time they will realise it was because dad couldn't be bothered and was too busy pleasing his new woman. My kids would have no respect for me or their dad if we had an affair and they would absolutely remember things like this.