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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask exh to take the elf on the shelf to his house when he has the kids ?

127 replies

Dumbledorker101 · 01/12/2018 11:35

I know this post might sound silly as its just an elf but to my girls its magic and important to them. We have done this for years but Now we aren't together aibu to ask him to take the elf to his house when he has the kids? He has them 3 nights a week and He had them last night for his first night and I asked if he could take the elf so the girls can see him arrive back from the north pole in the morning. It's all they have talked about for the last week they have been so excited.
Bit of a backstory as im new on here .We split up last year in april becuase he left me for an older woman after an affair. He filed for divorce within months and it was finalised in june this year. Then they got engaged and now expecting a baby. We have 2 children together and my son who he has raised with me for the last 10 years but he no longer chooses to see him and my son doesnt feel comfortable going through to their house either.He lives with his fiance and her 3 kids.

He said they aren't bothering with elf on the shelf this year as it will just confuse them and they are doing something different this year.
I said the girls were looking forward to their elf arriving and I was worried they would be upset. The elf has always gone to their grandma's when they have stayed there so they know he can travel to differnet houses. Our eldest girl will be 9 next year and will soon be finding out no doubt that all the magic of Xmas isn't real. This is just one thing out of so many that I'm having problems with. I try my best to make this co parenting work with us now separate but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice.
Please tell me if I'm being petty or is it something that he should do for them for just 9 days altogther that he will have them up to Christmas

OP posts:
Feefeetrixabelle · 01/12/2018 12:08

He doesn’t want to which is his choice. Direct any questions your daughters have to him which is his responsibility

Inthetropics · 01/12/2018 12:10

Even if he doesn't like the elf on the shelf it would be nice of him to take ir to his house. It's only 9 days and it's important to the kids even id he doesn't like it much. But he has decided he won't be doing that.

I'd take picture of what the elf's done and show your children. When they ask why the elf hasn't been to their dad's home i'd come up with one of many possible explanations to it (maybe the elf knew you had a special treat he love in your home and decided to stay there? Maybe he made a few messes in their roons?)

shesabloodywitch · 01/12/2018 12:11

It's not worth arguing with him about - let it go and take pictures of the elf whilst they are away - they will look forward to seeing them. Personally I think elf in the shelf is a load of tosh anyway

Glasshalffull99 · 01/12/2018 12:12

Well he's a dick anyway so I wouldn't expect him to change. Just make it extra special when the kids are at yours.

nickhurley465 · 01/12/2018 12:15

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AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 01/12/2018 12:18

I think it's a shame if he isn't playing along as it's a magical thing for them, but if he won't he won't. Maybe you could tell them that the elf is most at home at your house, and take pictures of it doing different things and sending them the pics? Also maybe the elf could bring them a little treat for each night they're away so they have something to look forward to when they come home?

InfiniteVariety · 01/12/2018 12:20

I don't know what elf on the shelf is? What does it involve doing?

AllTakenSoRubbishUsername · 01/12/2018 12:21

I hope you’re not one of those people who puts elf on the shelf in FB btw. It really, really is of no interest to anyone else.
I LOVE seeing the pics of what the other elves do on FB - it gives ours ideas too! ;-)

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 12:23

You have a pose-able elf that you place on a different place each night for the children to spot, during advent. The story (from an accompanying book) is that the elf is watching the children each day and reporting back to Santa at night.

WomanOfTime · 01/12/2018 12:28

YABU. The elf idea is really creepy and normalises surveillance. Fine if you want to do it, but you can't insist that he does.

Tinty · 01/12/2018 12:29

Take a picture of their Elf eating their advent calendar chocolate, then you can eat it whilst they are away. Grin

Just kidding, I would have fun putting him (Elf) in random places and taking pictures for them to show them when they get back.

Don't worry about what their Dad does, they will have the Elf tradition with you from now on. Smile

Jimdandy · 01/12/2018 12:31

Choose your battles. I think yabu to be honest. It’s up to him what traditions he chooses to do etc at his.

I would say when they’re at their Dad’s he flies back to the North Pile to help Santa make their toys

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/12/2018 12:37

He doesn't want to do it and the new woman probably doesn't want to do it either, especially as it's a thing that they did with you.

SO don't push hit. YANBU to be pissed off with him for refusing to help out but I agree with those suggesting that you have the elf at yours, and take photos of him doing the things he would be doing - then the girls can see him when they get back.

You can explain that the elf didn't feel comfortable going to a house with other children in, if that makes it easier.

Skyejuly · 01/12/2018 12:40

I'd say no if you asked me too. Yabu

grumiosmum · 01/12/2018 12:49

Please tell me if I'm being petty

You are being petty.

sally4ever · 01/12/2018 12:52

I’ll be honest I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to do it. It’s a new thing designed to add more stress to the Christmas period. Fair play if you do it but he’s quite right to say no.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 01/12/2018 12:52

If I had two kids, a previous stepkid who was refusing to come to my house, 3 new stepkids and a baby on the way I wouldn't feel like moving a stupid doll around each night either. He probably feels they've got enough on their plates over there.

I hate the elf on a shelf thing though and have never done it so have no sympathy to the magic. I'd probably feel differently if an ex refused to do Santa or something. But anyway, the fact is that he won't so you'll just have to think how you deal with that in a sensitive way for the girls. I'd go with 'Daddy doesn't want the elf at his house this year so you'll just see what he's up to when you're here' (no photos or whatever, that's such a waste of time and they'll just be disappointed to have missed his stupid antics).

Innocentconglomeration · 01/12/2018 12:58

I wouldn't do elf on the bloody shelf for anyone.

There's things you do when you're together because the other person drives it, and once you're apart it's bloody brilliant not to have to do those things anymore.

Sorry.

None of that means he's not an arse, he is an utter cockwomble, but on this I don't think you are right.

Original poster
Dumbledorker101 · 01/12/2018 13:00

I just think it's a shame he can't carry something so simple on that is already a tradition for the girls no matter how much other people hate it or how much he hates it. It's not for him it's for the girls. It's 9 days and he doesn't even have to do anything with it but move it to a differnet spot. It's just quite sad that's all I suppose. I will take photos instead as suggested. Or maybe just steal photos of other people's elfs as its the same red and white one everyone has. And yes it's not to everyone's taste but then not everything is but it's one of those things that if your going to start it you are basically entering a contract with the kids and the elf that he will arrive every single pissing year until they don't believe anymore.

OP posts:
Innocentconglomeration · 01/12/2018 13:03

You are not entering a contract with the kids. don't be silly.

He doesn't want to do it, it isn't his thing, you're going to have to get over it.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 01/12/2018 13:05

It's not 'so simple' though, is it? Even you admit it's a massive pain in the arse that you wish you'd never started. As for a contract... how about a letter from the elf saying he trusts the girls enough not to creepily spy on them all the bloody time anymore and won't be visiting again?

AssassinatedBeauty · 01/12/2018 13:08

But he doesn't have to agree and do the same! Not everyone agrees with the idea of an elf spying on the children and reporting their behaviour to Santa.

You're making it a much bigger deal than it needs to be. Just say that the elf is staying at your house and they will see it when they get back. Then don't dwell on it.

NorthernKnickers · 01/12/2018 13:10

YABU. They have three children there already, a baby on the way and your two 3 nights a week!!! You MUST know that you are expecting too much. It's a massive pain in the arse and saying you gave a 'contract' to continue with it is frankly absurd! I'd stop it right now...leave them a message from your elf saying that as he was so naughty last year, Santa has sent him away to Elf School to learn how to behave so he can't be there this year. And then just throw the thing away!!

AChickenCalledKorma · 01/12/2018 13:11

You have a golden opportunity to start phasing the elf out, by doing it while they're with you and ignoring it when they're away. Traditions do change as children grow and circumstances change. Don't fight it.

InProgress · 01/12/2018 13:13

He doesn't want to do it and it's fine for him to say no. He's not a cockwomble for that.

You do not have to involve him in elf on the shelf at all. Put up a sign to say he's waiting until they get back to your house. Then he arrives when they're back. Job done.