To ask exh to take the elf on the shelf to his house when he has the kids ?

[Dumbledorker101]

I know this post might sound silly as its just an elf but to my girls its magic and important to them. We have done this for years but Now we aren't together aibu to ask him to take the elf to his house when he has the kids? He has them 3 nights a week and He had them last night for his first night and I asked if he could take the elf so the girls can see him arrive back from the north pole in the morning. It's all they have talked about for the last week they have been so excited.
Bit of a backstory as im new on here .We split up last year in april becuase he left me for an older woman after an affair. He filed for divorce within months and it was finalised in june this year. Then they got engaged and now expecting a baby. We have 2 children together and my son who he has raised with me for the last 10 years but he no longer chooses to see him and my son doesnt feel comfortable going through to their house either.He lives with his fiance and her 3 kids.

He said they aren't bothering with elf on the shelf this year as it will just confuse them and they are doing something different this year.
I said the girls were looking forward to their elf arriving and I was worried they would be upset. The elf has always gone to their grandma's when they have stayed there so they know he can travel to differnet houses. Our eldest girl will be 9 next year and will soon be finding out no doubt that all the magic of Xmas isn't real. This is just one thing out of so many that I'm having problems with. I try my best to make this co parenting work with us now separate but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice.
Please tell me if I'm being petty or is it something that he should do for them for just 9 days altogther that he will have them up to Christmas

for you.

I hope everyone who has defended your shitty ex can has read your updates. It was obvious he was a selfish twat from your first posts, I don't know why so many on here have been so horrible about something so important to your children. It really does sound like he has treated you badly and hasn't given much though to any of the children involved. I feel desperately sorry for your son. BUT you sound like a good mum so your children will be fine, so will you be.

As for Xmas day I think you should do as PP suggested, just say that all of your children will be with you on Xmas morning. You need to get something drawn up legally though for future years as I think he's going to be a total shit about it. You don't have to do what suits him at the expense of you and your children's Xmas. It's more important that your children spend some time together on Xmas day than for him to have a child free afternoon because he doesn't have his own children or hers.

OP first of all lots and lots of

You have clearly been through hell and back, but sound like such an amazing mom! Your children will realise how much you did for them when they are older. They will understand that you took the high road for them.

However, in the nicest possible way I think you are being unreasonable. I think its good that each household has its own traditions as thats what makes going to each house special. I wanted my ex to do a tradition with DD when we separated but he refused (also a nasty break up involving an OW). Me and ex have our own traditions around christmas/birthdays with DD, now she is older (14) she always looks forward to different things with each of us.

On having them christmas morning- is this in a contact order? Please dont feel pressurised to do what he wants if not. Its difficult when co-parenting to know when to push an issue, my advice is to detach as long as your DC are fed, clothed, happy to go and safe, dont cause an issue. However, this all very raw for you still (understandly) and its difficult to detach completely but in time it gets easier. The christmas period is really hard when you dont have family to turn to - I remember this feeling when DD was young, its so lonely. Just remember to take it easy and that you are doing a brilliant job of parenting.

Is there a contract stating the girls will be with their dad Christmas morning? If not, tell him no. He can have them after lunch for the evening. If he won’t take no for an answer and you don’t have the strength to fight for Christmas morning. Come to an agreement in writing (email) that if the girls spend Christmas morning with him this year, they will be with you next year x

There's a big underlying thing here that I think has been hinted at but hasn't really been said point-blank.

You don't get to dictate what he does at his house.

Full stop. Unless he's abusing your children (and refusing to do Elf on the Shelf certainly isn't abusive) you have ZERO say in what he does or does not do with them. If he decides, for example, that he's not going to put up a Christmas tree or buy the children gifts at his house, are you going to forcibly bring over a tree and set it up?

You're not together anymore. That means he has a house that he and his partner run and you have a house that you run. You cannot dictate what someone else does in his home. End of.

Or maybe just steal photos of other people's elfs as its the same red and white one everyone has.

Word of warning, OP. That won’t work. The leg is the same but the setting and any accessories won’t be. They’ll spot it’s not their house. Kids are good at that.

Op

Your poor son. What a absolute shit your ex is. A really nasty bastard.

You wonder what his current girlfriend thinks of him abandoning that poor boy.

Perhaps she looks to the future and sees him doing it to her daughters. I hope that puts the fear of god into her.

The split sounds good for your son, why on earth would you want to maintain contact between them after years of EA you say took place. I can't imagine your son wants to go if that's been happening.

The elf is a symptom of it all, your focus should be on repairing the damage caused by the EA abuse etc not a silly toy.

Set up a contact order, judges usually grant every other Christmas so that you can plan going forward,

I think that since he has been on board with the elf for some years it is a hit mean to decide not to do it the year you split up.

But there is nothing you can do about it, so you will have to just do the elf at your house. The kids will adapt.

I'm so sad for you, your DDs and your son. Your ex is a selfish arsehole and he's not even trying to make it easier for your DDs, he's just making sure he does exactly what HE wants, and what the new woman wants.

Who the actual fuck takes a child to a wedding fair on her birthday, when it's for the wedding between her Dad and the woman he fucked her mum over for?? That's just rude. And then to bring her late to her own fucking birthday party!!

But - we can see where this is headed. Your wishes are nowhere, your DDs are second place (at best) to his and his new woman's wants - so the elf is not going to happen at his.

Actually, be grateful for this, because as someone else has suggested, if the elf went there he might not come back. Better to keep him safe at yours.

Big (((hugs))) for you - you've been given a hard time by the usual types who can't see the bigger or back picture, they only focus on the problem as stated - but you do have support here too.

Perfectly1 just because people have agreed with him ABOUT THE ELF it doesn't mean they think he's right on everything else or can't see that he's being horrible. I still think he's right about the elf and it's not a battle that needs fighting. I said on my earlier post that there would be bigger battles than this, and it clearly sounds like there are.

OP just tell him that this year, the first one after he broke the family to pieces, the children are going to be with you and their brother for Xmas morning, no discussion. They can come to him for lunch or whatever later. Next year you can stop it round. Tell him next year it can all be set in stone through a court that it's alternative mornings. (It does sound like the sooner you get to court the better).

It isn't about the Elf, but how would they explain to her children why the Elf only comes to their house when your children are there?

As said, it's better he doesn't have contact if he was emotionally abusive to him. But that shows that we all mistakes as Parents, the relationship should have ended when the first incident happened, rather than go on to have two children with him.

As for Christmas morning, the children should decide and that may change in the future and you should be open to that.

yeah, going against the majority here in a way, I think he is behaving like. a dick, he disrupted his kids' life, and now can't be bothered to do a small thing to at least keep some continuity for them

nothing you can do I fear, but you are not unreasonable and not petty to be upset

the fact he does not want to see his stepson that he raised says enough about him

If you can't have the dd on Christmas morning would your ds's father and new stepmum be amenable to you and ds coming over earlier on Christmas and then you going to collect the girls? Or them all come to you for a bit before going home? I would try if possible to co-ordinate the Christmases going forward, which I guess is what your ex is trying to do so that you have the dd one Christmas morning and ex has them the following year.

As previous posters have said, unless you have concerns about abuse, you have no say over what happens at Dad's house. The sooner you accept that, the more stress you'll save yourself.

Please put your feelings about the affair aside. For whatever reason, things weren't working out between you. Affairs are usually a symptom of an ailing relationship, rather than the cause. Your ex treated you badly in having an affair, but a man can be a good father even if he was a bad husband - try to separate the two out.

Judges normally order alternating Christmases, so I don't agree with previous posters who have suggested you refuse Christmas contact - you run the risk that your ex will take you to court. Court will probably strain your co-parenting relationship yet further, which may in turn emotionally impact your children. Try negotiating directly (and offering alternating Christmases) if you can.

I would try if possible to co-ordinate the Christmases going forward, which I guess is what your ex is trying to do so that you have the dd one Christmas morning and ex has them the following year.

Christmases do need coordinating, of course. Hes not really trying though, he's just saying what suits him because then he has his kids and new woman's kids in the morning so he can have a child free afternoon. The girls have already said they want to opens their presents at their mums, with their brother (who ex has said isn't his concern anymore). Obviously a compromise needs to be reached but that doesn't necessarily mean OP bending to suit ex. It needs to suit OP and the dads of the other children involved not just ex and his new woman. It's shocking how selfish some parents are.

OP, I hope you can reach a compromise that leaves you feeling ok. It all sounds really difficult. Things will get easier and they will improve with time. I'm sure all your children will have a good Christmas with you as their mum.

It would be nice if he did it but you cannot make him
Yes he is a twat
But no judge is going to order him to do eots.
So you on a losing streak with EOTS

Make up a story for dds about the elf.

Tell him they with you Xmas morning
Go to mediation and it court to agree for future

Affairs are usually a symptom of an ailing relationship, rather than the cause. Your ex treated you badly in having an affair, but a man can be a good father even if he was a bad husband - try to separate the two out.

If he was unhappy in the relationship, he could have left at any time, no one would have a problem with that. If he would then have met someone else, that would be very different. Instead he chose to have an affair. I personally don't think a person is a good dad if they disrespect their children's mum like that. He sneaked around behind OPs back and let her think she was going mad. This had an impact on his children, but he didn't care. His needs trumped everyone else's. He's not a good dad, he's a selfish twat.

He us a selfish year
But you cannot force someone to do EOTS

Haven't rtft but you could write a tiny little letter from the elf explaining that he has been delayed at santas workshop and will be with you in a few days with a special present... elf arrives with some chocolate coins or something

Then when girls are with dad again elf can leave a note to explain why they aren't at daddy's. Had to go shopping, workshop emergency, visiting sick children in hospital ect ect .

YABU. The longwinded backstory you have given here (yes, I have RTFT) is entirely irrelevant.

What he chooses to do with his girls at his house is up to him. You can’t force him to do EOTS and you have no right to dictate to him that he should.

The issue here though is that children rarely see the relationships in the same way the adults do.

So the man had an affair and is now living with someone else and they have a new baby on the way etc etc. This has turned the OP’s life upside down but he is still their father. They will develop their own independent relationship with the OW and with their new sibling. And as much as adults often want to think that the children will think as they do,so very often they don’t,and that can go either way.

I know a setup where the woman had the affair and left for OM. She moved with him to Spain, left the dd behind with her dad and the DD ended up living with him full time.

But fast forward several years and the DD spends the majority of her time at her mum’s with her, the new bloke and with her siblings born of the new relationship, even though the dad was the one who raised her, was there through the aftermath and one might think would have gained the most loyalty from the DD.

Children don’t think as we do. Sometimes a split does turn their world upside down, but sometimes it doesn’t in the ways we imagine.

The OP hates the new partner for the part she played in the breakdown of the relationship. But the children may not. They may in fact love their new sibling. They may look forward to the time spent with the dad and the new partner. It’s simplistic to suggest that if someone is a bad husband they are a bad father. They may not be, however much we want to think that’s the case.

The elf is a minor detail here. What needs to happen is that the OP needs to support the DDs’ relationship with their father going forward. As for her DS, you only have to look at the stepparenting boards to see that most women wouldn’t seek to maintain a relationship with DSC should their relationship with their partners break down. he is under no obligation to this child, however much we’d like to think that he is.

It’s simplistic to suggest that if someone is a bad husband they are a bad father.

Where the father has had an affair, I think it does.

There's more projection going on in this thread than at my local IMAX.

Having an affair doesn't make a man (or woman) a bad parent. It makes them a bad spouse, but if they act honourably throughout the break-up (paying appropriate maintenance, putting an appropriate contact schedule in place so they see their child regularly, not badmouthing the mother etc) then they will probably continue to be of net benefit in their child's life.

And the only people who really know what's happening within a marriage are the two people in it. Having an affair doesn't mean your entire character is evil. Some people have affairs because they're in abusive or deeply dysfunctional marriages but are too ground down to leave until they meet someone who supports and respects them. Clearly it's best to leave before you meet someone else, but not everyone feels able to do that.

Where the father has had an affair, I think it does.

No it really doesn't

No it really doesn't

Your opinion. I have mine, it's allowed.

Of the people's know, men and women, who have had affairs, they are all completely incapable of thinking of anyone's needs above their own. They might be ok parents but not what I would think of as a good parent. I don't think ok parenting is enough though.