To ask exh to take the elf on the shelf to his house when he has the kids ?

[Dumbledorker101]

I know this post might sound silly as its just an elf but to my girls its magic and important to them. We have done this for years but Now we aren't together aibu to ask him to take the elf to his house when he has the kids? He has them 3 nights a week and He had them last night for his first night and I asked if he could take the elf so the girls can see him arrive back from the north pole in the morning. It's all they have talked about for the last week they have been so excited.
Bit of a backstory as im new on here .We split up last year in april becuase he left me for an older woman after an affair. He filed for divorce within months and it was finalised in june this year. Then they got engaged and now expecting a baby. We have 2 children together and my son who he has raised with me for the last 10 years but he no longer chooses to see him and my son doesnt feel comfortable going through to their house either.He lives with his fiance and her 3 kids.

He said they aren't bothering with elf on the shelf this year as it will just confuse them and they are doing something different this year.
I said the girls were looking forward to their elf arriving and I was worried they would be upset. The elf has always gone to their grandma's when they have stayed there so they know he can travel to differnet houses. Our eldest girl will be 9 next year and will soon be finding out no doubt that all the magic of Xmas isn't real. This is just one thing out of so many that I'm having problems with. I try my best to make this co parenting work with us now separate but I often feel walked all over and overwhelmed and lonely like I haven't got a voice.
Please tell me if I'm being petty or is it something that he should do for them for just 9 days altogther that he will have them up to Christmas

By the same token, Elf doesn't go to school/doctors/dentist/shops with them, he's not stuck to their backside 24/7, so op's dd 'will cope' too.

That makes no sense. The family tradition is that elf is there with them at home every day. I presume dad wants them to feel his new home is their home too. All the children in this shit situation created by selfish adults will cope but will remember dad not being arsed.

Maybe they just don't want to start this nonsense with the other kids

Well he was quite happy for this 'nonsense' to be part of his children's lives before. All traditions can be classed as nonsense to someone else but important to the people that do them.

For gods sake, the kids will be happy with a made up excuse for a stuffed toy not being at dads house.

It’s a stuffed toy!!

Tomorrow morning bung on some Christmas music, spend half an hour putting the elf in 9 different places/ positions. Take photos, put in different file in case they go through your gallery, send one each day while they are away. Girls are happy elf is somewhere doing something, ex is happy cos doesn't have to do anything and in the long run you will be looked back on as the fun parent who always made Christmas special.

It s a lot of faff and a risk the elf doesn't come back.what then? More tears from you and dds ?
What if elf gets hidden by the other kids destroyed or otherwise ruined? You won't have any control at his house.

If no one is supposed to touch it then they can't pack it in their bag can they?
He is your ex now and in his house can do his own thing or not. He could buy an elf but chooses not to. It s not neglect. His house his rules
Let it go
Elf stays at yours and is there when they return.

The children won't be traumatised and remember it forever if some tacky elf isn't at their dad's house! They'll have plenty of traditions and things going on at their dad's house. If their dad and his girlfriend have other children I can see why they don't want to bring the elf home - and have to explain why to the other kids why the elf doesn't come unless the girls are there etc. You can make some perfectly feasible excuse to the girls as to why the elf only visits mum's house and send photos, then play the game with them when they come home. It's not a big deal. There will be plenty of serious things you'll disagree over in the future, save your energy for those, don't start battles over things that really don't merit them!

It's not really about whether the children will be ok, of course they will be fine. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't prefer the elves with them every day. You don't do something for years with children and then just stop doing it because you have changed your life and selfishly expect them to go along with it. Its their tradition. It's about dad not being willing to do it for his children. But like I say, we already know he's a selfish arse, he had an affair. That says it all.

perfectly it’s clear you are focused on his affair and yes it’s shit. But it didn’t mean he has to entertain a stupid soft toy. There is plenty of ways the op can explain it.

Maybe he didn’t get a choice in the tradition in the first place?

The responses here are really sad and I feel so bad that today people think about their own feelings and don’t consider their feelings.

Divorce is hard on kids would it be so hard for the OPs husband to continue a Christmas tradition and make things just a little bit easier? No it wouldn’t. But he won’t because he doesn’t want it to be easier for the op, he doesn’t want to upset his new op and because he has not once thought about his DC. Those who don’t like eots are missing the point. This is way beyond eots. Sorry OP take pictures be please that you don’t have to put up with the Bd any more.

• their feeings and don’t consider their children’s feelings sorry.

But the Christmas tradition doesn’t make sense in his house. And that’s fine!

Keep it to the op’s house.

And I thank fuck this is a “tradition” I thought was daft as soon as I heard about it.

Nicknacky

It's not a stupid soft toy to the children though, that's the point. All children's toys are a bit pointless to adults, but children value them.

Of course OP can explain it in many ways and she'll have to to protect her kids.

Whether he got a choice in it or not, it's part of the children's lives and memories.

Oh well, as long as he's happy. 🙄

Elf on the fucking shelf. FFS.

It’s not a tradition, its giving him a job to do in his own house. No fucking way is that on!

perfectly The kids wouldn’t even have known about it if the op hadn’t introduced it into their “tradition”.

It’s not worth a battle. It can be worked around easily.

His house, his rules. Your house, your rules. The children will adapt to two different sets of traditions really quickly and having new traditions at their dads house will help them to blend with their step family (which, in the long run, is best for them). I suspect it’s harder for you than it is for them.

I don’t think he should carry on your family tradition if he has his own.
I would get your elf to write a letter to the kids explaining he can’t go to dad’s house OR that he can only go invisible, but will still be there watching

When they are older the children will absolutely remember the time they had to go to their dads and the elves didn't come. Their Christmas tradition being broken. And with time they will realise it was because dad couldn't be bothered and was too busy pleasing his new woman

Not at all OTT

It's shitty of him not to do it if the kids are getting a lot of enjoyment out of their elf.

But you can't make him. As ever, all you can do is your best to keep it alive. Take lots of pics for them.

Looking back, the kids will appreciate who put the efforts in and who didn't.

The kids wouldn’t even have known about it if the op hadn’t introduced it into their “tradition

Like all family traditions then....🤔

Not at all OTT

Talk to people. Lots of people who have okay enough childhoods often say things like their parents put themselves first, they didn't listen to the little things that were important to them....cos they are adults and thought themselves more important. Whatever, it's not how I parent and thankfully my OH thinks the same.

Looking back, the kids will appreciate who put the efforts in and who didn't

Absolutely this. Very sad for the children though. And OP said there's lots of other issues, I think we all know his type. I don't understand why so many defend his lack of effort, maybe there's lots that have been the other woman, I don't know. I'm sure he'll soon get bored of the latest woman as well and then he can find another one and change the children's lives all over again.

Wow

Ok. So apparenly the elf is creepy, tacky, stupid etc ?? I have seen a book about an elf. I have seen other parents doing it and it looked like fun for the kids. It turned out that it was fun for the kids. I figured I was doing good as a mum.
Contrary to comments about my exh May be not having any say in the matter of wether we started the tradition. Oh yes your completely right! He was forced into the decision against his will and oh gosh the nights he came up with some funny ideas of his own for years well he was walking round the house with the elf in one hand and his other arm up his back
I'm new so here's a bit of backstory sorry to be long winded but maybe the elf is one thing that's just topped it off for me. Sorry for being unreasonable!

In simple terms. We started a tradition, he was happy with it, he threw no bitch fits about the elf moving in,
He slept with another woman behind my back and freed up lots of time to go to her while I was running around after the kids after school making tea, homework bathing, after school clubs and he was "working late"
He leaves me with no explanation and I have evidence creeping in about this woman but he bats off every thing I confront him about and so im bat shit crazy. I'm paranoid. In fact I'm so crazy that I end up with my kids having to live at his for 6 weeks while I'm under the mental health team coming out daily with my meds/sedation , suicide watch the works. I ask for my girls back for a few hours to feel like mum for a little bit while I'm poorly and it's here they tell me that while mummys been unwell they've met daddy's new friend. She's lovely she lets me sit in the front when she drives.

Turns out I had my kids away from me for all that time thinking I was going crazy and it turned out to be true anyway and not only that but this woman is taking care of my kids while I'm poorly because I'm made to belive I'm making up this woman out of thin air !
And when they say she's lovely I reply "Oh that's so nice she's kind to you, it's always nice to have kind friends"
I've never said one bad word about this woman in front of my kids. So a year later they go for 3 nights a week which kills me, exh has completely emotionally broke his stepsons heart after years of emotional abuse and although it was my fault for him doing that to him he carrys it on at his new house with her even though I'm not around to make him do it ... shock !
I ask how he is and how the family is and try my damndest to be civil and work togther. I congratulate them on their news. I ask that he carries on a tradition of a bit of Xmas magic and I get told to grow up and says the girls are met even bothered. I know my girls. I've listened to them alllll week about this elf. It might be stupid and tacky and creepy to other people but they are children with imaginations and I'm a mum trying to do something fun for Xmas. He said he was coming to pick it up when he got the girls from school so it wasn't a problem until later in the evening. He was also supposed to pick up a party dress for our youngest for tomorrow. If I know him like I do I can't see him taking her. She knows she has been invited from school. She knows she's going. I can't see him buying a present and taking her it's just not the way he does things. He wants the girls Xmas morning but they want to stay home and open their presents with their brother. He says his stepson is no longer his problem and his girls are his priority. He wants the girls Xmas morning so he can bring them back Xmas afternoon because that's when her kids go to their dad's. (Who she cheated on with my husband btw)
She gets her kids Christmas morning and I have to watch my son upset because it's his first Xmas just him and mum without his sister's. Then he goes to his dad's for the night and doesn't get to see his sister's at all Xmas day.
I throw 8 year old a party that I can't afford for her birthday. He brings her home late from his so all her friends have arrived before the birthday girl. She has her face painted and looks like she's had fun on her birthday with daddy. Ooh Where have you been today darling!?

A wedding fair mummy. Wasn't much fun to be honest there wasn't much there.

So yeah it would be nice if he could just take the damn elf.

The more you write the more I hate your bastard ex and the trollop he rode of on!

I think you sound like an amazing Mum and I am so sorry that the evil bastard has put you and your DC through all of this.

Is there anyway you could speak to a solicitor about your DD's staying with you Christmas morning?I think it'a unforgivable the way he has treated your DS and you and all of your DC deserve to have an amazing Christmas together.

I don't know what I have to do. The girls have been brought up with their brother from day one. They don't see him as a half brother. He has just begun seeing his biological dad and it's done him the world of good. He's never fit in with his step dad. There's always been a barrier and he's always been emotionally abused but it's something I've only learnt to truly see now. It's been hard for years me telling exh to not be as harsh on him. Give him more cuddles he's a sensitive little boy he needed love and affection not constant belittling and minimising when he was upset. Now he is seeing his real dad he gets all that from him they always hug for so long and so tight when they see each other. He has a new baby sister too and his stepmum is truly the most amazing person I'm so so grateful to have her in his life and mine too. We've grown very close and I genuinely love her she's a very good friend now. Me and his dad go watch him in shows and his stepmum came to his first one before having the baby. I would wish so much that I could build the same relationship with the girls dad but it's impossible. And such as shame for the kids. I wanted the girls here Xmas morning with their brother. They can then go to their dad's for Xmas dinner and my son to his dad's for the same . I am on my own and no family Xmas day. No visitors. I don't want to do a big dinner for just us 3 and I feel they need lots of family around them for Xmas dinner. Which they will have that there at his house with his partner and her children. It will be upsetting once they all leave and I will have the same Xmas pizza from the asda that I had last year and prob sit feeling sorry for myself but it's not me that is important it's my children. I want them to be happy and this is what it's about. This is why the elf is just part of a bigger problem. I just didn't want them feeling that same feeling this morning. that they get that little look on their faces that I see sometimes that hurts. God it's just so bloody shit

Something I wish I'd learnt sooner regarding dicky ex husbands and shared parenting etc. You can't control his behaviour but you can control yours. So. Stop having any expectations at all. Yes it hurts and he's a twat but by stopping the expectations you immediately reduce a LOT of the frustration and annoyance because they cant let you down if you already know he's a twat and didn't expect anything else. And just because he wants them on a certain date/time. Screw that. 'Sorry ex they're going to be with me Christmas morning so they can be woth their brother. You can pick them up at x o clock . He doesn't get to call the shots.