Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 30/11/2018 20:57

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying it sounds like it's not what your DP wants.

Would you be happy to pop to the registry office then have a pub meal afterwards, keep it casual?

It just sounds like you want totally different things.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/11/2018 21:02

It doesn't matter, IACGMOOH. It's too much for him; either because it's too expensive or because he just doesn't want to.

Only he can tell you why; and only you can decide what to do about this and whether you're happy to continue this relationship if you cancel this wedding and rebook; or indeed if you want to be with him if there's no marriage in the future.

OlennasWimple · 30/11/2018 21:03

Call around everyone and cancel the bookings

Get back whatever money you can

Use the returned money to help the separation - if marriage is important to you, and he doesn't want to get married, your relationship is over. (And please don't stay with him just because - if you want to get married, there are plenty of nice blokes out there who also want that in life, you shouldn't have to "settle")

GhostSauce · 30/11/2018 21:04

How many guests were being invited?

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 21:06

if the make up,the venue and the planning become a big deal yes it’s hard to understand
If the cumulative effect of cost and planning is causing stress,and if it’s becoming a source of anxiety just scale back
Primarily, have the do you want to marry me convo. And mutually be honest about how to progress if it’s a yes
I genuinely hope you get answers, as the what ifs and wondering must be wearing

Augusta2012 · 30/11/2018 21:17

Why the fuck did his brother say this to you? That’s completely fucking bonkers, no way should something like that come via his brother. He may just have been venting, are you sure it’s true?

If it is, I agree with others that it sounds like the wedding has snowballed into something he is not comfortable with. Would you be happy with just a register office do and immediate family/close friends going for a meal after? I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this sort of wedding either.

riceuten · 30/11/2018 21:18

If he doesn't want to get married, then he's not a h2b. I'd can the whole thing, and leave

fourfive · 30/11/2018 21:30

You need to clarify whether he wants to be married to you, pronto. If it is not the marriage but the wedding day bothering him, then you just need to sit down and go through it all, find out what he wants, go through every item of expenditure and find out what he wants.

Is it possible you have become bridezilla without realising?! It can happen to the best of people, I am sure!

If he said he wanted to cancel it and for just you and he with a handful of close people go to the registry office and get hitched, cancel everything else, what would you say? How would you feel?

If you got married in a small way but then had a big party and wore the nice dress, how would you feel?

Some people don't like the pressure of weddings, don't want to be the centre of attention.

If he doesn't want the marriage then obviously that is harder for you to deal with, and I hope that it all works out for the best, and it is better you know now than later.

Lots of luck!

SachaStark · 30/11/2018 21:37

Why did you need another make-up artist? Sorry, not a helpful question, just curious!

If it comes down to that he actually just doesn't want to spend loads on a big wedding, there are loads of tips online for reducing costs. Neither DH or I wanted an expensive wedding, though it had to be "big" as we both have large immediate families.

We did stuff like no photographer (yet we have literally HUNDREDS of great pictures, seriously, everyone has a decent phone camera these days, and they WANT to photograph you on the wedding day. Also, nobody had to hang around for two hours doing a shoot- including me, I wanted to start drinking and dancing!), no three course meal (not our style anyway), we had a wood fired pizza oven instead, did my own make-up (YouTube tutorials are free, and new make-up and brushes will still be cheaper than more than one artist), my dad drove me to the church in his normal car, etc. So many tips online, just not in the sort of place where brides collectively plan their weddings on Facebook groups!

fourfive · 30/11/2018 21:42

PS you can get free make up trials in Harrods, Bobby Brown and others - or at least you used to - nice day out, great champagne bar downstairs, and could change your life (in relation to make up anyway!)

ReflectentMonatomism · 30/11/2018 21:48

The original plan was registry office then a buffet in a bistro, but now it's registry office 3 course meal and a dj afterwards.

Competitive cheap weddings are an MN thing, but that isn't a cheap wedding. A sit down meal, a venue for the evening, bridesmaids...this is not a cheap wedding. If at the same time you are buying invitations in advance because otherwise you won't be able to afford them and Christmas, then it's a wedding you can't afford.

A partner who wants to spend money you haven't got on things he doesn't want? Of course he's not keen.

Mickeysminnie2 · 30/11/2018 21:49

Hold on, so your dp wanted to wait to save money before getting married. Then you talked some more and he agreed.
The original venue couldn't go ahead and was cancelled.
Then you BOTH searched for a venue, went cake tasting etc.
Now, your bil has told you that 'the wedding day' isn't what your h2b wants as it is too expensive and your first reaction is to come on mumsnet? Why would you jot just call him, even if he is at work? At least text him.
Surely he has just been having a moan about money to his brother!

BonnieandHyde · 30/11/2018 21:56

He's met someone else OP or he just realised he doesn't actually want to get married to you.

My bet is on someone else. Him getting angry about a venue he knew about and did nothing to stop - is him being PA and trying to gaslight because he feels like things are going out of his control before he can get a handle on it.

The deposits are £700 between you, so £350 each. That is not a huge sum. Cancel. He doesn't want to marry you and if he does you will be divorced within a few years. Don't waste your time. Honestly.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 22:04

Oh step back there Sherlock with the gaslighting and conspiracy theories
Maybe he doesn’t give a flying f about venue,dj,buffet.
They need to sit down and talk she needs to ask him

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 22:06

In fairness what’s gained calling him at work?a fraught call in work time
They live together she’s seeing him later

MovingNextYearHopefully · 30/11/2018 22:15

I agree with the PP. Sounds to me like he just doesn't want the whole Pantomime wedding that you do. Doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married. I didn't want it either because I am very anxious I hate being the centre of attention, plus I'd rather have a holiday of a lifetime than spend a fortune entertaining people who largely don't like me. Hmm I agreed, on the understanding that he would plan the vast majority. It was a nice day, but I still think the money could have been better spent elsewhere.

KeiTeNgeNge · 30/11/2018 23:11

Have you actually spoken to him and asked if he wants to get married?

Feefeetrixabelle · 30/11/2018 23:38

I don’t understand why when he told you he wanted to wait until your were financially secure that you went ahead and booked the wedding anyway?

Ellisandra · 30/11/2018 23:39

So, you haven’t actually spoken to him?

Come on! Don’t create this whole drama in your head when you haven’t even spoken to him.

I paid for 80% of my wedding because I earn a lot more than my husband. I love him dearly, was totally committed to marrying him - but I had several moments when transferring payments (all within original budget) where I thought “fucking hell, do I really want to spend this on one day?”

I don’t regret it, but I definitely had Shock moments. My husband knew that - never thought I wanted out. Was totally open to changing it completely.

You do sound like you’ve got carried away. You’re already over budget, yet you’ve spent on invitations - that’s not like a photographer who might get booked up! We had 140 guests (including kids) - every one was invited via Facebook, text, phone call or email. Zero cost. Not competitive cheapness - I spent plenty elsewhere. But my point is that whilst it’s not My Big Fat Wedding territory, you are over spending because you’re carried away.

If you can’t TALK to him, you shouldn’t be marrying him.

ReflectentMonatomism · 30/11/2018 23:55

every one was invited via Facebook, text, phone call or email. Zero cost

Even if you want paper invitations, it's hardly difficult to buy some nice paper and print some yourself.

snitzelvoncrumb · 30/11/2018 23:57

Op sending lots of love.
I was with someone for a few years and he started talking about getting married, I think it was because everyone else was getting married. I started looking at places and got really excited. He made a couple of negative comments, so I asked him what he wanted to do he told me off for pushing him into something he wasn't ready for. I thought about it and decided bugger this, I'm not wasting any more time on him and ended it. I was heart broken for a while, I got over it, and met my now husband. We have three kids and I am so glad my life turned out this way.
Don't sit around and wait for him to decide if he wants to get married, you deserve someone better.

IHopeThisIsAGoodIdea · 01/12/2018 00:36

I don't get why people are being so stupid in their responses. Guess it's typical mumsnet mentality that if you think anyone else should give a shit about your wedding And it costs more than 2 quid then you're a bridezilla obvs.

seventhgonickname · 01/12/2018 00:59

So much drama when you haven't even sat down and talked to him yet.

Desmondo2016 · 01/12/2018 04:31

Sounds like he's been pretty involved to me. Are you sure it isn't just a flippant remark about money because of the 300% increase from your original plans? Just speak to him!

Monty27 · 01/12/2018 04:44

Probably a lot cheaper than a divorce
Count your losses he didn't want to do it and you went ahead and booked it Confused
Haven't rtht tbh

Swipe left for the next trending thread