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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/11/2018 19:35

Anchor, I don't know my head is telling me I'm more upset that I've lost the money  because I can't accept that he doesn't want to marry me, I just can't process that thought 

I am really sorry; this must be hard. Is there any way that you or he could stay with parents this weekend so you can have some time apart and think about things?

I think the money that you've spent now is definitely lost; if I'm honest. If you somehow managed to convince him to go ahead; it'd all be tainted by knowing that he didn't want to and this had happened. So; you need to find out if there's any way to recoup any of the costs and get the cancellations in, somehow. Maybe a close friend or family member could help if that'd make it easier for you?

Deal with the relationship separately. Talk to him and see if he doesn't want to marry now; or if he doesn't want to marry at all. The first is easier to cope with but you need to know what timescales he's working to; and you'd need to think about whether you'd be willing to wait longer and then do all this planning again.

If he doesn't want to marry you at all; does he want to be with you but not marry? Are you okay with that?

I'd try and solidify my position on these in my head beforehand; but you might prefer to be more open and hear what he has to say first.

PrivateDoor · 30/11/2018 19:35

OP this is all hearsay. There is nothing here that suggests to me that he doesn't want to marry you. He was all for the cheap wedding but for whatever reason, that had to be cancelled. He then said he wanted to wait until such times as you could actually afford to get married, however you went ahead and booked another wedding anyway. It has completely spiralled out of control with an increased guest list, enhanced photography package, hair and make up, larger cake etc. I think he is pissed off that you pushed ahead with the wedding when he wanted to wait and probably is now further pissed off that you have let it all snowball. You were happy to get married on a shoestring budget the first time yet now you have decided to push the boat out. I can see why he is annoyed but please don't think the worst - it doesn't mean he doesn't want a marriage. However what is the point in pushing yourselves to breaking point with finances which does seem to be the case as you mention several times about it being unaffordable? We got married on a budget, wouldn't have crossed my mind to have splashed out on hair/makeup people! You guys need to talk and figure this out, I really do think it will be ok!

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 30/11/2018 19:36

OP you need to SPEAK to your fiancée, we can't answer the questions you need answers to. I suspect it isn't about the money and you need to understand what is going on and you need to LISTEN to what he says, then you can decide where to go from there. Be brave, I wish you luck.

SunnyintheSun · 30/11/2018 19:37

I think Font has hit the nail on the head. It’s not that he doesn’t want to marry you, it’s that he doesn’t want to spend a ton of money on the wedding day. It does sound like you’re more obsessed with the wedding than with your future marriage. Which is more important to you? If you really care about and want to spend your life with your DP then you need to be willing to compromise on the wedding. It’s just one day - the rest of your lives together is what matters.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/11/2018 19:37

Posted too soon!

Regardless, it seems odd that he proposed and started planning and now doesn't want to. Have any of the personal things been big enough to affect the whole relationship? I'd want to know why he'd change his mind.

DogInATent · 30/11/2018 19:41

*As I've explained teen, the new venue needs a certain number of guests to make it worth their time closing to the public.
So more guests have been added, making the cake more expensive, making me get a better photography package to ensure everything was covered, to needing another makeup artist and hair stylist. *

Time to take a step back, have a conversation between the two of you about you need from a wedding, what you want from a wedding, and what you don't want. It sounds like you've railroaded yourself into something much bigger than you'd initially agreed, and he's come along in your wake.

As you've not had this conversation with him and you're basing this all on a comment from his brother, then I think it's just time to relax and reflect before getting too emotionally invested in your guesses and suppositions.

For what its worth, my guess is that:

  • he's more worried about the finances than you think
  • he may be worried the whole thing becoming less about the two of you and too much of a circus as you've up-sized everything to fill the new venue

You need to talk. You need to stop the death-spiral of opinion-reinforcement you'll get on here, because no one on here is going to live your marriage for you. I really, really doubt it's him rejecting you. But you risk talking yourself into rejecting him by persisting with this discussion.

RhK88 · 30/11/2018 19:41

So you have heard this from his brother not him directly? Or have I missed something? Sounds to me that a simple wedding has escalated to something much bigger than expected and it's put him off? If you haven't actually discussed it thought you need to sit down and have a chat!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:42

Sorry if that wasn't made clear but it was discussed that he wanted to wait until financially ready before booking a wedding, we then discussed it more and the venue was booked in January. This was all said before hand. But then we needed to change it, spent a few months searching for a new venue, spoke again about the costs. It hasn't been a rash decision Sad

OP posts:
onanothertrain · 30/11/2018 19:47

He wanted to wait until you were financially ready, you knew that. You then started booking a wedding and it sounds like he was ok with it when it was low key.
You then booked a bigger venue with more guests knowing it wasn't what he wanted and you're distraught that he has now said it's not what he wants??

Scarydinosaurs · 30/11/2018 19:55

What % increase have you gone from, from the original £600 to where you are now?

It sounds as if the costs are his problem. It is hard to enjoy a day when you know the money isn’t money to can easily afford.

I would say a frank conversation is needed. I imagine he told his brother knowing his brother would tell you- not great communication going on right now.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:59

Onatrain, we looked at other venues but they were even more expensive (I'm talking 5k more), he knew from the off how much it was going to cost but didn't say anything?
There's another 900 pound needing paid

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 30/11/2018 20:00

So he wanted to wait until financially ready but you went ahead and booked the original venue in January, that was then cancelled and you still pursued the wedding planning and booked another venue in May? A venue and wedding which is now more expensive than the original?
Despite knowing before the original booking he wanted to wait and during the original booking that he didn't want to spend lots of money?

He may or may not want to get married, you won't know that until you speak to him. It is clear that he does not want this wedding. At every turn the wedding has been about you - he wanted to wait, you booked, he thought it was a lot, you went more expensive. So yes, he probably isn't looking forward to the day because it isn't the wedding he wants however he knows you want it and he's going with it despite not being enthusiastic.
Also, the minute you hear that this isn't his ideal wedding you post online worrying about him not wanting to marry you, the two are not the same.

You need to have a chat and if it is the wedding he is against then you need to come to a middle ground OP. You also need to calm down about the planning. I'm getting married in 4 and a bit months, we have no invites yet. It doesn't all need to be done asap.

TheHumanSatsuma · 30/11/2018 20:00

at the age of 20, I realised that my impending marriage was a mistake. I did love him, but as a very dear friend.I called off the engagement but parental pressure on both sides “It is far to late, everyone has been invited and stuff booked” meant that we went ahead.

We were married for 3 years, nothing bad , but we were not happy and finally split up.

I remarried and have been with the love of my life for 34 years and have 2 amazing children. We have been through far worse times than with my first husband but I knew it was worth fighting for. If you are not both totally committed, maybe it is for the best

KeiTeNgeNge · 30/11/2018 20:03

You need to talk with him and get some clarity

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 30/11/2018 20:11

Fwiw, I don't think you have done anything wrong. It's not bad to book the wedding when you are engaged. Otherwise engaged means nothing. If he didn't want to be married, he shouldn't have proposed!

I think he needs to shit or get off the pot. I'd talk to him properly when he comes home and get some honest answers.
Unless you were holding a gun to his head, you haven't forced him into anything - presumably the tongue in his head still works and he was perfectly capable of calling a halt before now.
And there's nothing wrong with wanting a mua either!

TowerRavenSeven · 30/11/2018 20:11

I think it's easier to get in the situation OP is in than people might think, But OP stuff the money! I knew a bride that railroaded her now ex husband (not saying you did this) and things got bad on the honeymoon and got worse after. They were divorced in 6 months - the final thing, so it ended way before 6 months.

She remarried a few years later, now is married over 20 years and has 3 grown kids by him.

Cancel it.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 20:20

Of course getting married isn’t about make up,venue.but you’ve let that be a thing
And it’s part of a costly package
So no it’s not make up per se,it’s all the cost and his potential misgivings

Ask him directly do you want to marry me
If it’s yes, and the cost &fuss is a stressor,keep it low key and in budget

Mummymummums · 30/11/2018 20:21

I agree with Iwannaseehowitends - I don't think you've done anything except be an excited bride to be. He proposed, he went with you to registrar and he knew about the bookings you made, albeit in a complacent manner.
You always said you didn't want a long engagement and after 3.5 years engaged, if he doesn't want to get married now, I doubt he will.
You need a serious talk but IMO you need to be prepared to walk. Easy to say I know.
Alternatively if he's just unhappy about the money bit but really does still want to get married, then your choice is probably to scale it back or compromise or part.
Good luck.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 20:33

The makeup artist was already booked, way back when we decided in January. Once I realised we would be changing the date I messaged her to change the date as well. As well as adding on somebody extra from her salon. So it's not like that was a new thing.
There is no room to scale it back, other venues were very expensive, a good 5 grand more expensive. Although I may have made it sound more extravagant, it really is only 35 extra guests.
The cost of the meal is included with the venue so not doing it per head.

OP posts:
TheWiseWomansFear · 30/11/2018 20:35

I think if cancelling the wedding would make your relationship end, then you shouldn't get married anyway.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 20:42

Of course you can scale it back,if you want to. You seem to have a notion of the day
If he’s still want to get married,and If the objective is to dispel anxiety scale it back
Why do you need a mua?seriously,venue,mua,menus,band it’s all £££ froth
Nice but not essential and won’t enhance or add longevity to your marriage

GhostSauce · 30/11/2018 20:44

Can I come at this from a different perspective?

DP and I have been together 8 years. I love him more every day, plan to be with him forever etc etc.

However I would sooner never marry him than have a big expensive wedding. I'd love to pop to the registry office and have a nice meal, under £500 in all. But I would never ever have a large multi-thousand wedding, involving loads of people/photographers/fancy dress etc. I just would feel sick spending the money and would happily remain engaged forever.

Not saying there's a problem if others want that. It's up to them. But it sounds like your DP was on board about a simple wedding, but now it's become big and expensive he's freaked out and it's not what he wants. I get that. I just wanted to say that he's not necessary wrong. He should have spoken up more firmly and sooner, but I don't blame him for wanting to cancel something that was potentially going to cost thousands and be something he didn't want.

Maybe he wants marriage but not the big wedding.

lily2403 · 30/11/2018 20:45

I don’t understand why men propose if they don’t actually want to get married,

I feel for you but you shouldn’t have booked anything as soon as he started saying let’s wait

GhostSauce · 30/11/2018 20:46

To clarify, you don't want the same thing from a wedding. He doesn't have to agree to something he doesn't want. It might not mean he doesn't want to be married to you.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 20:50

Because I never wear make up, I suck at doing my own and I want one day where I look drop dead gorgeous, is that really so hard to understand?
Not having a band, the dj is included in the price, not doing favours, bms are wearing any dress they've got in their wardrobe so not to buy another more expensive one. It is so scaled back already it's unreal.
The original plan was registry office then a buffet in a bistro, but now it's registry office 3 course meal and a dj afterwards. Not some big show that everyone seems to be imagining Confused

OP posts:
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