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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
The4thSandersonSister · 01/12/2018 05:01

Neither of you should put down any more money until you have learned to communicate with each other about what you really want out of the day. If you can compromise great. If not cancel, lose deposits and going forward both of you need to be involved in both the planning and the execution of the Wedding.

DoraJar · 01/12/2018 05:10

It sounds like it’s the wedding you want - but it’s not the wedding your partner wants (or originally planned). I think you should call it off as you aren’t comparable.

RedDwarves · 01/12/2018 05:18

I agree with Dora. What you want is loud and clear, but you're not considering that it's clearly not what your partner wants.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 05:21

I did say I would speak to him but not due to see him until later.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2018 05:47

It’s a pretty shit thing to talk to his brother and not you. It makes him sound rather immature.

Do you want to stay with him even if he won’t marry you? How old are you? Don’t go wasting your best years with a man, who doesn’t actually want to coming.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/12/2018 05:48

To commit.

loopy42 · 01/12/2018 05:51

I was you DF in this situation a few years back.
It was me that called the wedding off 6 month before we were due to get married not my DP it just wasn't the wedding I had envisaged for myself since being a little girl. But it was all we could afford at the time.

He thought I didn't want to marry him so we separated for a few months, we talked during this period a lot about weddings and our relationship and actually we realised we were happy living together being in a committed relationship without having to get married.

It's 5 years down the line, we have not been together for almost 11 years, we are the happiest we have been and have absolutely no plans to get married.

Just wanted to give my opinion that actually your DF could well be being honest about wanting to wait until you are both in a better position financially to have the wedding you deserve

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 06:05

I get what you are saying loopy I really do, but the wedding we have planned or I planned is actually my ideal wedding. I wouldn't change anything about it, I wouldn't spend more even if we had it. So to me it seems silly to say "wait until we can afford the day you deserve/want" this is already it!!

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 01/12/2018 06:19

A big wedding on a shoe string is much worse than a small, intimate wedding with the nearest and dearest. It sounds like he wasn’t against the idea of marriage (and all it’s implications) but sensibly wanted to be financially secure as children/your own property might come along soon after. You’ve massively gone against his initial concerns and there is no wonder he’s getting cold feet. There is no way I could go through with a wedding that my soon to be husband wasn’t on board with.

When you speak to him I imagine he will tell you he’ll go along with it after all the ‘lost monet’ you will tell him about but think long and hard before you go through with something 50% is not truly convinced by just to have the dress and the make up artist!

Tony2 · 01/12/2018 06:52

The vast majority of people that ever got married were piss poor. You put your arms around your lovers waist, look them in the eye, and tell them they are the most wonderful thing that walked god's earth. For richer for poorer. I want to be with you, finances (children aside) are irrelevant. I'm a bloke. He doesn't love you. That's shitty, but I loved looking forward to my wedding, and any genuine lover would. Give him up, gently, sweetly, but give him up.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 07:29

Ok so I phoned him and asked him why he blew up yesterday, "you were banging on about a guest list and I'm sick of hearing about it, I don't care if we don't have any guests" was his reply so then I asked
Do you want to get married "yes. I just wish you had waited, I wanted us to be in a better financial position but you went ahead with it"

OP posts:
TeddybearBaby · 01/12/2018 07:35

When will you be in a better financial position?

MimiSunshine · 01/12/2018 07:37

Your answer to that is “and you were right with me signing contracts etc. If you want to cancel the wedding day so now abd it’ll be done by the end of the day.”

Then just leave it with him

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 07:40

Teddy, I honestly don't know. It could be years, could be months Confused
I did say there was absolutely no pressure and that if in his heart, the thought of cancelling was there then we would do it and he said no he doesn't want to cancel, we'd lose money
We are all about the money here Grin and I said that it didn't matter, better that than to get divorced even quicker. He said it again that he doesn't want to cancel

OP posts:
cuddlymunchkin · 01/12/2018 07:42

If he wants to get married then it's all organised and paid for, so that's it, it goes ahead. If he suddenly doesn't and is happy to lose a lot of money - it sounds to me in that case that he doesn't want this relationship. Don't be caught up in the money thing, there's more money to lose by not marrying now. Sounds to me like he wants his comfortable life and also the knowledge he can move on any time he likes. Is that enough for you?

TeddybearBaby · 01/12/2018 07:48

I think I’d be like ‘I don’t know what you want from me because you asked me to marry you and I said yes. We’ve been engaged for 3 and a half years already. I’ve started to arrange a day that I thought suited us both - not too expensive but not the cheapest either. I’m excited and I feel like I’m the only one who is so where do we go from here cos I’m not forcing you into anything. If you’re not on board let’s lose the £350 or so each and find people who really really really want to marry us and couldn’t get up that aisle quick enough’

That’s me and my feelings so not saying that’s what you should say but I think it’s how I would feel x

TeddybearBaby · 01/12/2018 07:50

I wouldn’t feel good feeling like he’s just going along with it basically. I’d want someone who’s like ‘look at my wife!! Aren’t I lucky!’ And ‘she arranged this whole wedding herself. She’s amazing’ not like he’s doing you a favour by not waiting. If that makes sense!!

Okimstumped · 01/12/2018 08:06

Money is a huge worry for me. It keeps me awake, crops into my thoughts several times a day. We aren’t in masses of debt at all but I still worry. Maybe your OH is similar. He asked you to wait because of money but you ignored him, and in turn disrespected him and his wishes, and did it anyway. He’s now worried about affording it all. Maybe it is your ideal wedding, but is it his. Maybe he would have wanted the extras if money was better. If it’s the money that’s the cause what is left to pay?

Non necessity- photo booth. Hair and make up (visit a department store on the morning for an ‘upcoming event’ to have a makeover?! Also don’t understand why extra guests meant an extra staff member being added for hair or make up was it? Guests wouldn’t be added to the bridal party surely?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:14

The photo booth and make up was already booked in the first venue,
No extra guests aren't having make up done but now that we've extended it a bit, my sister's who are bridesmaids now want their make up done. In total there's about 7 of us having make up done now, meaning another artist is now needed. It's early in the morning and no department store would even be open.

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:21

Don't have a bobby Brown or Harrods so wouldn't have been able to go there for make up anyway.
I do understand what you're all saying, the last thing I want to do is end up divorced before next year is over. We are going to talk properly when I see him face to face.
I was upset at the thought of losing money with nothing to show for it but if that is genuinely what he would like to do then I can't force him down the altar, nor do I want to.
I don't believe I've got carried away with planning, it's all already sorted. It's just the last things to pay for now. I don't believe I'm a bridezilla either, whatever that may be. The guest list has only gone up by 35, making it 55 guests. The new venue needed 50, to close to the public. We did try and source cheaper options, like having the reception in a golf club but then everybody needed to pay ten pound each to gain membership. Other venues were too far away meaning we'd need to add in cars making it more expensive.
We aren't doing any stag or hen nights, no colour scheme so not bothered about what anybody wears, don't give a fudge about centre pieces and I think new venue provides them anyway, they also provide a table plan so not spending money on that. Invitations were a black friday deal. The photographer isn't needed I suppose, but we both agreed we would like one as we have no professional shots of us at all, don't want to rely on guests getting a good photo. It really is scaled back

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/12/2018 08:24

Why on earth are you paying for seven people to have their make up done, when you’ve already gone over budget and your fiancé is unhappy?

I get that you don’t usually wear it and want it done professionally.

But 6 other people?! Let them do their own or each other’s.

Cancel the second make up artist to (a) save money and (b) show your fiancé that his feelings about your financial situation are important to you.

famousfour · 01/12/2018 08:28

Sounds like he feels it’s got out of hand in terms of size and cost (55 people is very different from 20). I’m not saying he’s right just different perspectives. And he should have piped up earlier. And possibly you should have been more aware of his feelings on the point.

Good luck with sorting it out but it’s a shame if it spoils the day for you both - assuming he does want to get married.
I’m not sure what the right answer is but you both need to talk. Good luck!

TeddybearBaby · 01/12/2018 08:28

@IACGMOOH I agree with you. There’s a compromise here. Just need to have a good chat. Don’t forget you’re only feelings / wants and needs though because they’re just as important x

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:28

My sister's will pay for their own, he is already paying for his mum's.
Again this was discussed with him.

OP posts:
CandlesBlanketsandTea · 01/12/2018 08:30

I would keep talking and ask him what he thinks if you cancel everything apart from the registra and just get married without the wedding. How would you feel about that? Personally I don't think he wants to tell you that he doesn't want to get married so he's using money as an excuse.

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