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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:17

Yes I went ahead but it's not like he didn't know, looked over the contract signed the contract. It's not like it was booked without his knowledge

OP posts:
Zulor · 30/11/2018 19:18

So now, he hasn't told you he doesn't want to get married, he has told his brother, who has told you?

Zofloramummy · 30/11/2018 19:18

So have you sat down with him and discussed why he now doesn’t want to get married? Because as you’ve said he signed the contract so presumably knew the costs.

fadehead · 30/11/2018 19:19

You definitely need to have a talk. From what you’ve said, I think he’s being a twat actually. It doesn’t sound like you’ve dreamed ahead at all. You’ve arranged, yes, but he’s been plenty involved by the sounds of it, and had ample opportunity to put the breaks on. Until you’ve had a proper discussion though, it’s hard to say what’s going on. But please don’t let money make you marry someone who is less than 100%. You will live to regret it (and probably cost a whoooole lot more to divorce!!!)

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 30/11/2018 19:19

I know the money is gone, but it feels like a horrible waste with nothing to show for it. I feel sick

Deep down; are you more upset that you've lost money or that he doesn't want to marry you?

You have no alternative here then to call it all off. And I'd be leaving, personally, too - he sounds at best horrendously disinterested in you; and he doesn't want to get married despite knowing you've been planning it and paying for it. That was designed to hurt you.

dulcefarniente · 30/11/2018 19:19

OP if you cancel the wedding you've only lost your deposits. You won't have to pay for things like the wedding certificate etc (your post at 19.02). The quicker you tell your suppliers the easier it will be for them to find other people to take your place and you should get more of your money back.

Fontofnoknowledge · 30/11/2018 19:19

I think you are being overly dramatic. He hasn't said at any point that he doesn't want to marry you !

MN loves nothing more than to tell everyone how shit their relationships are - and how every man you've ever met is a waste of space. - Just take a breath.

I think your fiancé is fucked off with your 'wedding- obsession ' much more than the marriage . Anyone who has all the invites sorted nearly a year before the date is definitely obsessed. Calm it down OP. Talk to your other half and DO NOT talk about, think about or buy things for your wedding for at LEAST the next 8 weeks.
Just chill out a bit and STOP SPENDING MONEY on the wedding or he really will get the arse. You really don't need any make up artists .. let alone more of them ! It's not a feature film - it's a wedding.

Momzilla82 · 30/11/2018 19:20

Walk away and end the relationship, if he'd wanted to marry you you would have found a way in the last 3.5 years, even if it were a very low key elopement with a party planned later. He doesn't want to marry you. You can either chase your lost deposits and end up having to pay for a divorce as well or cut your losses and walk away with some dignity. And sorry but a Facebook wedding group sounds like bridezilla HQ

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:20

Tbf I did say in my op it's come out not that he said it to me. It was his brother that said it to me.
Anchor, I don't know my head is telling me I'm more upset that I've lost the money Blush because I can't accept that he doesn't want to marry me, I just can't process that thought Sad

OP posts:
Littlemissdaredevil · 30/11/2018 19:21

I’m so sorry I’m thinking he’s given you a clear message he does want to married. You have been engaged for 3.5 years (and I assume together for a number of years before that). How old are you OP do you have DC or want DC?

Honeyroar · 30/11/2018 19:22

I feel for you. But you need to sit him down and have a real heart on sleeve chat and find out once and for all what he wants/feels, however upsetting it is.

I had a fiancé a bit like that, and I pushed a bit with the wedding. A few weeks before the wedding, just as the invites had gone out, he called it all off. It was incredibly painful and humiliating- plus we lost a lot more than deposits as it was so close. Turned out he was having an affair too. Don't let your's get like that, find out the truth ASAP. Whatever happens you will come out the other side, but you can't keep ploughing along with the wedding if there are cracks in the relationship. Good luck.

Littlemissdaredevil · 30/11/2018 19:22

Doesn’t not does!

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 30/11/2018 19:22

He’s not the bad guy here.Neither are you.You both don’t seem to be openly communicating
Hope you both get to talk and make a mutual decision

delboysskinandblister · 30/11/2018 19:23

Be kind to yourself. You can't make him nor would you want to make him do something he wants. Reading into your OP it's the red tape and finance and your first venue hell that's killing the romance of the wedding and the idea of marriage for. Leave him be for now. Take the pressure off.

Wwithout him write down exactly what you want him?, Marriage?, Wedding? All or some or none of the above.

This has been going on from January so I think you will get peace and happiness quicker if you stop going round in circles and respectively think about what you want and need. Let Christmas and New Year go it's a hectic time of year being the last Friday payday before Christmas. You need to be kind to yourself and step back. New Year new start Smile

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:24

😂😂😂 not bridezilla at all, there's fb groups for being a mum, being a mum with a reflux baby, why shouldn't there be one for brides planning a wedding.
I wanted the invitations done early, as I knew Christmas and next month would mean I probably wouldn't afford them for a while.
It's hard to STOP SPENDING MONEY when we have 8 months to get it all paid for Hmm

OP posts:
EWAB · 30/11/2018 19:24

Sorry OP I don’t see you as controlling or someone trying to ‘trap’ him. My brother wanted a decent wedding and would not compromise even though he didn’ Invite anyone. But that’s another story! Men don’t ‘enthuse’ over weddings as much as women generally. From what you have said it sounds more like the planned wedding isn’t the type he wants not a reflection on you BUT I don’t know him. Ask him.Don’t worry about practicalities if you need to leave him as you aren’t in danger you don’t Need to leave immediately but leave you must if I am wrong!

mumlost1940 · 30/11/2018 19:26

Go ahead with all the plans but don't get married. Have a simple service of dedication and expression of love. Maybe you might consider getting a Hand Faster to organise a simple service.

PrimalLass · 30/11/2018 19:26

He does not want to marry you

Or doesn't want a wedding? Sounds like it has snowballed.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:26

In my honest, opinion it's the thought of lots of money on one day. He has absolutely no problems with marriage, I genuinely think it is just the thought and totalling it up can be a bit scary I know!

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 30/11/2018 19:27

Ps, he ought to give you your half of the deposits lost back IMO if he hadn't opened his mouth and said no. My ex fiancé's mum made him pay me a large percentage of what I'd lost in wedding cancelled deposits/payments, I actually bought my horse with it, I've owned her 15 years now and she's so much better than a wedding to him!

PrimalLass · 30/11/2018 19:30

I don't need it but I want it, what's sò wrong with that

Because it wounds like this attitude is putting your fiance off the whole thing...

InfiniteVariety · 30/11/2018 19:31

Set the money issue aside for now - it is minor compared with the much larger issue of whether or not he wants to get married at all.

You must talk to each other. There needs to be honesty on both sides.

It may not feel like it today, but it is much much better to discover now that he does not really want to get married, and call it off, than to find out the week before the wedding (or the week after)

LeilaDarling · 30/11/2018 19:32

I feel really sad for you but maybe it’s better it’s cancelled now, money lost but harder than after the wedding.
This happened to someone I know but he cancelled a couple of weeks before and it was even more devastating - perhaps have a really honest conversation with him ASAP. Wish you all the best xx

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 19:33

So the attitude of wanting to wear makeup and look nice is scaring him 😂 really! Suppose it would be a drip feed to say he offered to pay for it. But instead is paying for his mum to have her makeup done.
It's not like we are having heaps of things either, the ceremony at registry office, 3 purse meal at the venue, photobooth. Dj is included in the venue. That's it, I'm not going crazy like some of you are making it out

OP posts:
PrimalLass · 30/11/2018 19:34

Don't be silly. You came on here for help.

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