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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
penisbeakers · 02/12/2018 04:15

Christ on a bike.

elfies · 02/12/2018 04:26

If he's not happy with what you've organised , but he still wants to go ahead , ask him what he DOES want .
If you've been together Three and a half years and are engaged , surely he has some thoughts on it

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:23

Erm no cuttingthrgrass. August 2017 it was discussed, he said wait. As the months went on I said what about October 2018. It was a lightly agreed yeah, in the sense we didn't nit pick over finances again, given that he came with me to the venue in January, I'd assumed that he had changed his mind.
Then we got screwed over by the venue, so changed it to October 2019, we both agreed there and then, that there was no way we'd be able to afford it for October this year.
And yes I already have my dress. Considering I was supposed to be married 2 months ago, why wouldn't I have it Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:24

The date got postponed back in July, the added guests were added on back then as well.
It's only just now we need to work out who those guests are.
I really don't know why everybody is being so rude

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:30

No I'm really not getting it because I've been made out to be a controlling person, that I've orchestrated the whole thing behind his back! he came to meetings, spoke to the caters, SIGNED the contract he was aware of the costs, aware of the guests. I've not hidden anything from him.
Yes he doesn't like the registry office but I don't want to add another 500 pounds on, just to have somebody come and marry us in the new venue Confused that means all the invitations I got would need to be changed, even more money!
And I didn't tell him we had to do it in the registry office, more explained the costs behind changing it. Again he went quiet. He didn't say actually I do prefer to change it, I'll stump up the cost myself. He has just gone along with it. I'm not trying to put the blame on him but he's a grown lad I'm sure he can say to me if he really wasn't happy

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 02/12/2018 06:35

This is a massively different story from the way you presented your OP, which made it sound like he'd barely been aware of what you were up to. Given the information about how much affirmative effort he put into the wedding, it sounds more like he's just had a brief anxiety driven rant about finances because he's worried about them. But it's difficult to tell because you seem to tell your story in a very selective way.

You come across as being totally unwilling to communicate with your DP, but I wonder if it's more that you are confused by his mixed messages so much you don't know what to believe of what he says?

TruffleShuffles · 02/12/2018 06:40

OP you are not coming across well at all, he didn’t like the venue but you refused as it would add more money but are happy to spend money on all the things you want. It’s ok though as you didn’t tell him couldn’t have what he wanted you ‘explained’ it to him, presumably in a way that he didn’t have any choice.

You are also absolutely mad to have to add guests and expense to match a venue and not find a venue that matches the amount of guests you want. I can imagine this is a very stressful financial burden for your partner as it’s absolute madness, you are paying for people to go to your wedding to fit a room not because you originally wanted them there.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:41

I know I made it sound that way, it's more the booking of things (photographer, ordering myself a bridal dressing gown little bits like that) that he isn't really giving any head space to.
I did speak to him and he says he does still want to get married but that he wished I'd waited. So then I say well let's postpone or just cancel and take all the stress away and he says no. End of conversation,he won't keep revisiting it. But now I feel like (because of some of these comments)he is just saying that to go along with me and keep me happy

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:42

And to be fair he only told me last month he was having doubts about the registry office! It's not like said it from day dot

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:43

Adding of the guests was already done back in July though, not like it's just happened
Back before I knew about hating the registry office

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:45

I did say we looked at others but they were so expensive. Looked at golf club and local social club but he said that was tacky
I can't win

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 02/12/2018 06:46

Cripes you are bossy, but you don't think you are...

He doesn't want the same wedding you do...
He told you that, and you won't listen...
Have you thought he may think if you marry in RO it might in his head mean your jinxed to repeat what happened to his parent?

According to you the wedding was cancelled the month before it was due to take place... So something in your big plan is putting him off, is this about you having your own way, and saying it's perfect as it is and using money as an excuse to get him to do it, rather than you accepting that a wedding is for one day and not as important as the vows you take?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 06:49

It was cancelled? What was cancelled Confused

OP posts:
DaffydownClock · 02/12/2018 06:54

Why did you add guests but now you have to 'work out who those guests are?' Most peoples' guests are already known to them, not random strangers, to me that is weird!
I think it sounds like you're bulldozing him into marriage personally, and he's gone along with it just because it's easier than trying to get you to listen OP.

mummmy2017 · 02/12/2018 06:58

Sorry that was someone else... Saying cancelled...

So he likes the venue...
Says doesn't like the RO
Wants to marry you...
Simple.
Cut back on something and save the money to get the wedding bit done where the food is...
Maybe go for a buffet instead of sit down.
Or make people buy their own drinks...

Isn't it worth doing so the groom is happy as well?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 07:00

Yes I know, I really don't know what to do. The buffet is 15pp plus the cost of the venue on top, whereas the meal was just a set price .
People will already be paying for their own drinks!Grin

OP posts:
HJWT · 02/12/2018 07:03

So let me get this right.... HE proposed to YOU, and YOU have 'waited' till October 2019 for the wedding, when you will of been engaged for what 4/5 years?? so how LONG did he actually want you to 'wait then? till 2025? Tell him to get a grip and man up!! If he wanted to 'wait' he shouldn't of asked you to marry him !!!!

TheBaltictriangle · 02/12/2018 07:32

Save on the divorce proceedings and don't get married to this guy. He is telling you in lots of ways that he doesn't want to get married. if someone is telling you something by their actions then you must listen. Are you in love with the idea of a wedding party rather than the long term commitments of a marriage?

Feefeetrixabelle · 02/12/2018 07:37

Ok OP I think I get it. You think that him not objecting at the time is him consenting?

Thinking about a neutral topic like what to eat in a restaurant is he generally a decisive guy, takes a while to decide what he wants or does he just order the same is always does?

mummmy2017 · 02/12/2018 07:43

So about £1000 for food and venue..
About another £1000 on your pictures and make up.
You have a dress and bits...
He needs a suit...
Cut back on other things and agree to the wedding taking place where he wants..
You could arrive in a friend's car, as no one sees you in it at RO anyway.
It is like you want it your way only.

EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 07:44

It sounds like the costs are mounting and he is starting to be concerned where it will end.

It sounds like you have spent a lot on unnrccessaries which isnt really the idea when you're on a budget. Do you have a dry budget in mind?

When you had to add guests and therefore add thousands to the cost, thats exactly the time to cut back on other things. Buying things like professional invites, bridal dressing gown (?), make up artists, suits for best men are luxuries and exactly the sort of things you don't do if you're already way over the original budget. Although each item only costs, in your opinion, a small amount, it all adds up. Maybe your fiance is concerned about how much its going to end up if you carry on like this.

Talk to him. What do you actually need for the wedding, vs what you want? What can you cut back on, cut out or do yourself? What budget do you have in mind? What budget does HE have in mind?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 07:51

Photographer is not thousands. None of our friends drive I we planning on phoning a taxi on the day.
My other half was just going to walk! Grin
The invitations we already have as got them in a sale, He isn't paying for the suit for the best man but going to get measured for them. They don't have suits they could use instead unfortunately.
My budget is under 3 grand. He doesn't have one. There's nothing left to book so no further costs, It's just about paying for it

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/12/2018 07:52

What on earth is a bridal dressing gown?! Pare it down .

mummmy2017 · 02/12/2018 07:54

Then call his bluff..

Tell him OK, you want the wedding at the venue...
Yep I agree. We can make it happen...

Either he will be happy, or he will have to come up with another reason for it not to happen.....

How much do you have of the 3k you need for the wedding?

Xenia · 02/12/2018 07:56

So the finance does not like the registray office. Could you not just move it to a local church which would be nicer and not cost much or are you and the family die hard atheists?