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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
53rdWay · 02/12/2018 17:58

She has said numerous times that he says not to cancel the wedding, he just wished that she had waited.

So she should just, what? Go ahead with it but make sure she has a suitably apologetic look on her face from here to eternity?

If he's old enough to get married he's old enough to communicate what he does actively want. Not just 'no I don't want to cancel it', or 'I don't like this but I'm not going to tell you so or suggest any changes', or just going quiet when asked for his views. If he finds it that difficult to communicate his basic wishes they shouldn't be getting married.

DoinItForTheKids · 02/12/2018 18:18

I agree 53rd

hammeringinmyhead · 02/12/2018 18:36

I wouldn't want to marry someone who was martyring themselves like this. Saying that it's fine, let's get married, but I wish you'd waited etc. is designed to make you feel guilty. It would sour everything for me.

Ellisandra · 02/12/2018 20:39

This wedding that you have decided has a budget of £3K, but he apparently has no budget...

WHO IS PAYING FOR IT
AND DOES IT LEAVE YOU WITHOUT ANY SAVINGS?

sailorcherries · 02/12/2018 21:56

I'm confused about the budget too.
The entire thing has come in at under £3000, with £3000 being the top end of your budget?

So -
Registry office, registrar fees, marriage license and fees, meal for 55 guests, cake, evening buffet, suit hire, dress, shoes, hairdresser, makeup artists, invitations and everything else are less than £3000?

This seems hard to believe when the suit hire, mua prices and actual marriage costs will take you to around £500. A meal for 55, buffet, dress etc for less than £2500? Even a meal at £30 per head takes up a fair whack of that.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 08:57

We don't have savings anyway, we are paying equally. The 1k is after bills.
There's only 70 quid left to pay for the mua, already have my dress, invitations already paid for, groom's suit my FIL may potentionally pay for

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 09:16

So you have ZERO savings, buy spunking possibly £3K on one day, up to £1500 of which you’re expecting him to find.

He’s got a tongue in his head, and he shouldn’t have been so passive.

But I’m not surprised that he wanted to wait until you were in a “better financial position” - you are spending too much money for a couple who have no savings.

It sounds like you’re lurching month to month asking him for money to pay his share... and he is resenting seeing more and more of his money going on a wedding day that he doesn’t care about.

Ellisandra · 03/12/2018 09:18

That said, his “better financial position” is just irritating - if he wants a better findhcial position then he needs to save to achieve that, not just witter on about it!!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 09:20

The whole wedding will be under 2k, with out parents giving us a couple of hundred I'm not saying that makes it right but it really is doable.
And no I'm not asking him for money, he pays the venue directly. We only pay 100 each anyway, it'll be long paid off before october

OP posts:
TruffleShuffles · 03/12/2018 09:29

Have you actually sat down and added everything up because even from just reading this thread 2k doesn’t add up and maybe that’s where you DP is getting concerned. You’ve said that the buffet alone is £15pp and you have over 50 guests now, that’s over £750 without the cost of the venue, the sit down meal, the cost of the registry office, registrar, marriage license. Does that 2k also include the photographer, your dress, mua, hairdresser, invites, cake the absolute lot??

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 09:31

No somebody said why don't I have a buffet instead of a sit down meal but the buffet option instead would be 15pp

OP posts:
LIZS · 03/12/2018 09:42

Find it hard to believe that venue hire and per head buffet is more than a sit down for 55 even if they require a minimum charge to be exclusive. Or you find somewhere with a private room.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 09:44

Yes the buffet option is a good 300 pound more expensive as they have to take in seperate caterers

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 03/12/2018 09:52

I finally understand your partners point of view.
All your extra cash for the next 9 months is going on this wedding...
So life is going to be incredible tight...
He feels like your bank...

When ever he talks about it your calm but he is told but we will lose money if we don't go ahead.
He wants to marry you but the next nine months penniless are not going to be fun, and all for one day...
He can't get you too listen as you talk him round do he spoke to this other person...
He doesn't like where you want to marry as tacky, and bad memories, but your all but the cost, we have to do it here...
Seems you love him, but he is nor an equal in all this planning.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 09:53

Penniless😂 it's a hundred pound each!

OP posts:
woollyheart · 03/12/2018 09:59

Maybe he would be able to understand the finances of it better if it was written down?

Wedding finances can be complicated. There's a budget, things already paid, things still to be paid, options etc etc.

We are getting confused - he might simply not understand clearly what else is still to pay.

Could you have a big list and tick everything of that is already paid, so it is clear to see what still needs to be paid. Or use a spreadsheet or something.

When he complains to his brother, that might just be him putting on 'I'm just the poor groom' pose.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 10:00

Yep I've said I've already done that. We've got spreadsheets

OP posts:
mummmy2017 · 03/12/2018 10:03

So how much income do you both have left after bills each month?
Because if your laughing over it being £200 left to pay on total wedding, you can afford to change the wedding venue.
If it is £100 each for 10 months, and that only leaves you £50 fun money a month... Then yes it is unfair.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 10:05

After paying the venue, he has 700 left and I have just over 300 as I'm part time for personal reasons

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 10:06

200 pound for the next 5 month's would be it paid off

OP posts:
53rdWay · 03/12/2018 10:13

Would changing the venue actually help? It sounds like he is concerned the venue is costing too much, but that he also doesn’t like the registry office part and wants to have the ceremony at the venue, which would end up costing more than current plans. Is that correct?

mummmy2017 · 03/12/2018 10:18

As said agree to venue change then. Tell him his wishes matter, it is that you take the vows that matter not where,

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 10:23

No I don't think he'd agree to changing it anymore 😅

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/12/2018 10:26

OP I struggled to read to the end of this thread as I was getting massively frustrated with you, no wonder your df is losing the will to live right now! Calm down and start looking at things from his perspective .. Jesus! You’ll have a heart attack before you get to the wedding st this rate.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 03/12/2018 10:28

Erm ok👌

OP posts:
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