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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
shiveringtimber · 02/12/2018 07:56

If I could turn back time... my XH wanted to call off the marriage the day after he proposed. We'd already told our respective families and I couldn't face the humiliation of telling them the marriage was off, so I begged him to go through with it.

Our wedding was wonderful but the misery began during our honeymoon and continues to this day, 20 years later and three years after our divorce was finalized. The only good that came of that marriage was our two DC.

Please let go of this man!

butterflywings37 · 02/12/2018 07:57

I think you are getting a hard time here OP.

Not all men are really 'Into' the whole wedding day and wedding planning, they find it 'faffy' and 'unnecessary'.

He probably doesn't want all the 'extras' that have been added on but that doesn't mean he doesnt want to marry you.

How about asking if he'd rather cancel the buffet & reception part and go for something such a a church hall buffet or package deal that includes food- these can be much cheaper. So you're not asking him if he wants to cancel the whole wedding but rather the added expensive part.

All the 'extras' do add up and maybe the building cost is what is unnerving him ( which he has spoken to his brother about), he may not have thought about those when originally saying yes to the new venue.

adaline · 02/12/2018 07:57

But your budget was £600 or so originally wasn't it? So it's more quadrupled - I'm not surprised he's pissed off.

speakout · 02/12/2018 07:57

There is something unnatractive about a reluctant groom

Or may it's just me...

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 08:06

No he doesn't want a church, I am good friends with the pastor of a church that I used to attend with family when I was younger. So we would only be paying a donation and he still didn't want it.
He won't do a church hall either, We already looked at those options he said no as they looked super cheap and tacky Sad
The set down meal is cheaper than doing a buffet

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 08:08

It's a dressing gown... with the words bride on the back Grin it was only 4 quid in the sale but makes me happy.
I was only using it to explain it's those bits we don't speak about

OP posts:
IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 02/12/2018 08:08

There’s no pleasing him is there?

I actually think you’ve been very good waiting all this time to get married.

Dh & I couldn’t wait to begin our married life together. But he clearly isn’t feeling the same way. Sorry

EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 08:12

Your budget is £3000
The deposits alone for photographer etc. has already cost £700. There must be at least another £700 to pay for thise, if not more. Presumably the venue is at least £1000 - this would be very cheap for 55 people. Plus a dress, shoes, suits. Most of your budget is already gone. You dont have enough for extravagances.

What can you go yourself? We did our own flowers, invitations, place settings, table decorstions, cake. Don't have wedding favours or wine one the tables. Maybe you could try pitching something like this to your fiance and see what his response is. "Oh i was thinking we could have a go at making our own table decorations.it would be £X cheaper than hiring them, what do you think?". If its all about money, presumably he will be happy about an idea like this.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 08:16

I already said the venue provides centre pieces. Not doing favours, or place settings. The cake deposit is already down. Already got my dress and shoes and jewellery.
The venue have knocked money off as it is, our parents have also offered a bit of money so I feel like it definitely is do able if it's what he truly wants

OP posts:
LIZS · 02/12/2018 08:28

But all these frivolities add up, and are not in the spirit of a low cost wedding day. Tbh your visions sound poles apart - you will not admit you have got carried away, he that he should be firmer about what he wants (if at all) . Either way it sounds like a recipe for pent up resentment before, after and during your special day.

EmUntitled · 02/12/2018 08:29

He said it is what he wants. You have a feeling it is not. You actually need to find out for sure before you start to cancel. He surely doesnt know you are actually considering cancelling the wedding, so he can't make an informed choice.

"Do you want to get married or should I cancel everything. I am actually at the point of considering cancelling because you are showing no interest. Please can you tell me what your reservations are before one of us does something we regret."

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 08:39

Yes I said to him don't focus on the fact we would lose money. Genuinely do you want to cancel and he said no

OP posts:
IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 02/12/2018 08:42

Ask him

Do you want to marry me? If yes go ahead with your plans. If no then you have your answer.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 02/12/2018 08:47

Don’t ask him if he wants to cancel - it’s not the same as asking if he wants to marry you.

If I was in your shoes & he did want to get married, I’d bring it all forward. RO, original guests, wear your dress & just do a small meal in a restaurant.

Everything else is meaningless- and I talk as someone who had a huge expensive Greek Cypriot wedding. Mind you most Greek weddings would make people’s eyes water on MN.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 02/12/2018 08:54

I asked him that as well and he said yes hut it's so hard to believe when everyone on here says he doesn't.
Not bringing it forward, a good portion of our guests wouldn't be able to go if it came forward. And we did look into options for a small meal (hence having a buffet) couldn't find anywhere suitable

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 02/12/2018 09:03

Stop blaming everyone on here, people have given their honest opinions based entirely on what YOU have said. You have lots of people telling you to go ahead so mixed responses.

If you’re dead set on cancelling it get off mumsnet and crack on unless you’re just in this for the ongoing drama. Hmm

onanothertrain · 02/12/2018 09:04

You are not listening. Not everyone on here is saying he doesn't want to get married. Most of them are saying you are not taking his wishes into account and have got carried away with the idea of a wedding. You have now asked him if he wants to get married. He said yes.

SoupDragon · 02/12/2018 09:27

it's so hard to believe when everyone on here says he doesn't.

Everyone isn't saying that. Anyway, why would you believe strangers on the internet when the person you want to marry is saying that he does want to marry you? He just doesn't want the same wedding as you and is worried about the money.

Do you want to marry him?

BonnieandHyde · 02/12/2018 09:31

OP seriously, honestly and wholeheartedly... he does not want to get married. For whatever reason. It will eventually come to light. He's saying he does as he doesn't want to be the one to cancel it all. He wants to push you to do it. Because he's a bloody coward.

I've seen it happen with friends and some of them have been the h2b in this.

OftenHangry · 02/12/2018 09:31

Are you looking for an out rather than advice and possible solutions? It does sound like it sometimes tbh.
Because I can't imagine why else would someone take a word of strangers on internet over the word of their partner in this situation.

GlasgowWorrier · 02/12/2018 09:40

If a register office, a golf club and a social club have all been written off as tacky, and he won’t consider a church - what venue does he have in mind for his wedding? It sounds as if he either has a very specific vision in his head about where he wants to do this —and he expects you to guess it in 20 Questions— or he can’t imagine it at all.

MaisyPops · 02/12/2018 09:49

In 17 pages the cost of the wedding has gone from £600 to thousands.
It turns out the groom has almost no say in anything because the OP wants it all her way.

I can see why he's worried and not that enthusiastic. I'd be livid if my DH was acting how you are OP.

There is a difference between arranging a wedding and building a marriage. Personally, I think you're spending too much time on the former and it's destroying the foundations of the latter.

adaline · 02/12/2018 09:51

Why is the wedding costing five times more than your original budget?

There is absolutely no need to spend £3000 on a wedding.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 02/12/2018 09:52

I think op has been quite restrained. She got engaged 3&half years ago. He wants to save. They’ve looked at cheaper venues but he says they are tacky. I think he wants out. Or does she have to wait another 3 years? I’d have walked a long time ago. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn’t. The venue doesn’t really matter!

MortyVicar · 02/12/2018 09:53

OP, put the wedding to one side.

You and he clearly have different approaches to spending, priorities and financial security.

You are trying to second guess him to the point where you don't believe what he's said to you.

He wanted to wait, you - whether it was behind his back or not - 'went ahead and booked it'.

This isn't going to go well, whether you get married or not, when or where. If you can't have a straight discussion between you, say honestly what you both want, and agree on how you're going to make it work, then I can't see how the marriage isn't going to end up being a disaster.

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