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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Thankyounext · 01/12/2018 18:20

It is the norm to buy a dress at least a year before the wedding. I left it with six months to go and there was much disapproval in all the bridal shops.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 18:23

It’s only the norm if youre immersed in brideland and adhere to the norms
Otherwise it’s a retail driven objective to whip up hysteria and panic about a dress

Thankyounext · 01/12/2018 18:28

I didn’t panic myself. If you buy off the peg you can leave it later of course which is what I thought I would do to save costs but when I couldn’t find anything I did go to bridal shops and it was a world I knew nothing about with a lot of waiting and adjustments and fittings etc.

SilverySurfer · 01/12/2018 18:53

the wedding we have planned or I planned is actually my ideal wedding

Well that's great but it obviously isn't his. I think you need to sit down with him and discuss exactly what both of you want, come to an agreement and go from there.

sailorcherries · 01/12/2018 19:39

Clearly OP you want it your way. The poor bloke can't win, he has said how he feels numerous times and you have ignored him and pushed on. If I were your DP I would go with it because you seem like hard work.

I'm getting married in 4 months, we've made lots of compromises because of budget and feelings about money. From the age of about 4 I wanted to get married in a castle, from about the age of 16 I knew which castle I wanted. After planning and researching I knew that my venue was out (£8k hire fee, 100 guests minimum at over £100 per head). Even if we had the money we wouldn't spend it. We discussed what was important to us and found a venue that ticked both our boxes, not just mine. We compromised on everything to ensure the day is our ideal wedding and not just mine or his. And now? Now it is my perfect wedding, no castle in sight, because I'm marrying my best friend and it's something we are both looking forward to.

As for invites - we got save the dates from Vistaprint, our invites will also be ordered from there. Weddings don't need to cost a fortune.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 19:44

Our invites were from vista print, in the black friday sale. Not exactly sure what your point is. I've saved where possible.
He hasn't said it numerous times though, he mentioned it once back in August 2017, in January we searched for a venue together
No further mention of him wanting to wait

OP posts:
HellenaHandbasket · 01/12/2018 19:47

Why don't you just ask him if he would like to elope to Gretna, or head to a registry office and get it done with no fuss or expense?

OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 19:50

I think ge gave up for a while and so just went with it tbh

OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 19:53

I don't think you can just turn up to Gretna Green anymore

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 01/12/2018 20:02

it didn't make sense to me to change the ceremony

He didn't like the venue!!!!!

Jesus Christ. Poor bastard. How on Earth would you feel if he pushed you to marry somewhere you had TOLD him you didn't like??

Fucking blinded

puzzledlady · 01/12/2018 20:13

So he said wait - you doesn’t listen.

Now he says don’t cancel - you’re going to cancel because you think it’s what he really wants?

You’re impossible to reason with and my 4 year old listens better than you do. Grow up and consider what you’re doing to your partner - pushing him in a corner by doing what you want. I’m surprised he’s still with you - I’m sorry but you come across as controlling, hard work and very careless about his feelings. This is all about you. Not about him and you which is wrong.

puzzledlady · 01/12/2018 20:13

^^ dont* not doesn’t. Sorry typo as on my phone!

mummmy2017 · 01/12/2018 20:32

Ok, calm down and take a step backwards.

You gave him an out offered to cancel and he said no.

I think you may find he is just being given a head ache by all the details..

You have time to sort this, I do think he wants to get married, but you need to scale back on your speaking about it, give him a rest... 30 days...
Enjoy Xmas and put the wedding plans on hold... Do not mention anything... Let him come to you.
Show him the girl he fell in love with and not bridezilla.... Because even on here your coming across as a bit much... I mean having the dress and invites already done... Your planning is OTT right now and you have a year to go..

onanothertrain · 01/12/2018 21:22

Oh for fuck sake. I'm really feeling sorry for the poor guy

Feefeetrixabelle · 01/12/2018 21:25

Thing is he’s already said he wanted to waited. Before you booked a venue tour did you specifically ask him if he was ready to start looking? Did you sit down and say I want to start planning and booking how is the budget looking?

SachaStark · 01/12/2018 21:32

Is it a grand per month's earnings between you before or after outgoings?

If before, of course he's worried about finances, and that seems like a very real worry!

NooNooHead · 01/12/2018 21:40

Wow, this thread has made my head spin by just reading about all the umming and ahhing - goddess only knows how your ‘H2B’ feels about things and the way you keep chopping and changing ideas.

I’m going off to think through a coherent answer when I have digested correctly what is (or isn’t...) happening... Hmm

NooNooHead · 01/12/2018 21:53

And good God, woman, a wedding isn’t meant to be the most important thing that can come out of a relationship - a solid marriage and basis for a strong partnership are. I think you are forgetting what the key thing is about getting married... A MARRIAGE.

If you can’t communicate well now, how will you fare in 5, 10, 20 years’ time?! I’m in agreement with PP; get talking to him properly. Ask him WHAT HE ACTUALLY WANTS.

No mind reading. No dilly dallying. No presumptions. Just clear, honest communication. Get to the crux of the matter. And then be positive and proactive, and take into account what you BOTH want, not what you THINK he wants.

I was with my DH for 8 years before we married, and our DD was 20 months old when we married, but we knew what each other wanted and had clear expectations about the communication in our relationship and the things we both wanted.

You sound like you need to be a lot more communicative, a better listener and more decisive for both your needs.

Flaffable · 01/12/2018 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dotty1970 · 01/12/2018 22:21

I was going to reply to this but I'm just going to take some diazepam first! 🤯

SunnyintheSun · 01/12/2018 23:24

Forget everything you have organised so far - it’s clear he feels pushed into a lot of it. Sit down with your DP and a blank piece of paper, tell him you’re ready to listen to what he wants, then write down exactly what his ideal wedding would be. Once you fully understand what he wants then, and only then, can you start to think about compromising somewhere in the middle.

Pushing him into ‘my way’ or it’s all cancelled is a recipe for disaster.

Jux · 02/12/2018 00:29

How were you done over by the first reception venue? What exactly happened?

SandyY2K · 02/12/2018 00:51

Don't you think he'll be more upset/angry if you cancel it having discussed it?

That would result in losing more money.

thighofrelief · 02/12/2018 01:32

I didn't know men gave a stuff about how they got married. Just vague stuff like "don't forget Auntie Mary" or "not too posh".

Cuttingthegrass · 02/12/2018 03:43

This had made my head hurt trying to fathom out what your thinking OP. So, is it that you were supposed to marry October 2017. In August 2017 he said he wanted to wait. Something about venue doing you over. 20 guests planned.

Then January 2018 you found another venue to marry in October 2018. July 2018 you signed venue contract. At some point realised needed another 35 guests.

At some point October 2018 date postponed to October 2019.

December 2018 he says he would have preferred to wait longer but wants to marry still and don't cancel

You think he means yes cancel but are concerned about losing deposits?