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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 17:16

Well I listened, but my gut says he doesn't want it

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 17:17

Yes you talked and he’s told you he’s worried about money
You hear that,but have still added costs to the wedding.7 guests make up done
And you have a real recurring hunch you cant shake,that he’s not happy.

UmSayWhat · 01/12/2018 17:17

Oh dear. Look, he says he wants to get married. Now you won’t believe him. If it’s money he worries about why don’t you sit down and discuss if you should partically cancel some things to shave money off?

Jux · 01/12/2018 17:18

It sounds like he's open and honest with his brother, so go and ask him what he (the brother) thinks he (dp) wants.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 17:19

No I don't believe him because these comments have made me second guess everything I thought I knew.
He didn't mention being worried about affording it when we spoke earlier, just that he wished I'd waited.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 17:19

Gut feeling,hunch.unconscious feelings too painful to process or articulate
The uncomfortable emotions we can’t articulate often leak out as hunch or a feeling

OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 17:20

Well I listened, but my gut says he doesn't want it

When you cancel, because it sounds like you actually do want to cancel (no other reason to after he said he wants to get married), do tell people he wanted to get married but you FELT like he didn't. So he doesn't look like a right prick.

moredoll · 01/12/2018 17:24

He didn't mention being worried about affording it when we spoke earlier, just that he wished I'd waited.

Because if you waited you'd have time to save.

Have a cheaper wedding ffs.

Bunnymumma · 01/12/2018 17:25

The wedding isn't until next year so if you are calm and open, I would be willing to bet that you'll get most of not all of your deposits back for things like venue, food etc as that leaves more than enough time for them to be filled by someone else. Plus, nothing consumable will have been bought yet for your contract, so I would start there.

Keep the dress, as he says he wants to get married, so it's clearly a money thing. What if he has raked up some debt you don't know about and now, he feels he can't tell you because you're off booked a wedding extravaganza?

Why not suggest something intimate and sweet that puts the focus back on the important thing: you two and the love you have for each other? How about a cheeky little elopement, for example? Then a nice but inexpensive party at home for all the family?

Cawfee · 01/12/2018 17:28

You run a real risk here OP of him not turning up on the day. He’s so moody and grumpy about it all. Never mind about does he want it or not. What about you? Don’t you want to marry someone who wants the same things as you? Don’t you want your wedding day to be the best day of your life? You shouldn’t have to compromise what you want. You need to find the right person. He’s not it. You’re pushing ahead with something and the huge cracks are showing. How sad will it be for you to get married knowing he didn’t really want any of it. That’s just awful and soul destroying. For God’s sakes be brave and cancel it all and go find yourself somebody who is passionate about the things you are. You’re settling for a really crappy life and wedding day right now

OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 17:33

@Cawfee that is the shittiest advice ever.
It's HIS wedding too.

Relationships are about compromise. Always. No matter how similar you are there will be something where compromise will be needed.

Life is not a Disney tale. Life is usually the original Grimm one.

Only way to find someone who "wants EXACTLY the same thing" is to find someone who will just let you do whatever and pretend they "looooooove" it too.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 17:39

I really don’t get this wedding=best day of your life notion.really?
There’s a big problemo,all that expectation and pressure to have best day,biggest day
Essentially a wedding is a gathering of hopefully supportive friends/family to witness and celebrate wedding
The actual action is the wedding,the significance of it,The harmonious union
Place settings,venue,dress,make up,menu are all expensive valid distractions that a whole industry is centred on marketing to people as if it matters.it doesnt
And if one ends up subsumed and preoccupied by wedding planning it’s a costly and null sum game

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 17:44

You shouldn’t have to compromise what you want well that’s shite for a start
Adults compromise,we teach our kids how to compromise
Life is a negotiated path,we envounyter,engage,avoid and compromise
Being married is not a state of my way or no way.no compromise
You shouldn’t have to compromise what you want It’s like a perfume ad strap line

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 17:46

Well I listened, but my gut says he doesn't want it

How long do you have before the cost to cancel would increase?

I would give it some time and see what happens; at this point; but I'd be mentally prepared to cancel it all and either start again when this doesn't feel like such a huge amount of money or book something you both want (even if that's a compromise) down the line.

Zulor · 01/12/2018 17:54

So he said he wants to get married but just not yet?
Well then cancel the whole shebang.

Zulor · 01/12/2018 17:56

As for him wanting to wait until you're financially better off. Are there prospects for either of you to earn more? £1k combined income a month is not a lot? What are your outgoings? Is it £1k a month you're saving?

OliviaBenson · 01/12/2018 18:03

You are getting harsh replies here op.

Have you asked him if he wants you to cancel? Have you asked him if he wants to marry you at all? He's not being fair being so wish washy about all this.

I'd speak to his brother if you don't think he's being fully honest with you.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 01/12/2018 18:05

the new venue is what we want

And you’re certain of that? Rather than it’s what you wanted so pushed ahead regardless? If you think that then why the drama lama “cancel everything”.

Seeing as you think you’ll lose your money regardless, you don’t need to just blow it all up tomorrow. Wait. Talk. Actually talk. Properly. Extensively.

dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2018 18:08

You stand to lose a lot more money if you don't cancel it now. This man doesn't want to marry you. He may have proposed, but now he's stalling. It's up to you if you want to hang on, but it sounds like the two of you have some very different ideas of what you want and don't communicate well enough to reach a compromise. I completely disagree with the idea that it's all about your getting what you want he goes along for the ride, this may be why so many marriages end in divorce because it's marrying a person who has some different value to you or one of those who are fine being carried in life when it comes to lifework.

Personally, marrying someone who wasn't 100% on board with it wouldn't be for me. DH and I agreed to marry and started planning immediately together. There was no real reason to wait long. So on our next day off, we went to apply to marry. No fooling around. We didn't have a lot of money so we went for Registry Office with family and a handful of friends and then a meal at a pub after.

Really wouldn't want to marry someone I had chivy to the altar.

Zulor · 01/12/2018 18:15

If you cancel the whole thing, how does he feel about that?
Will you remain together?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 18:16

He says he doesn't want to cancel at all

OP posts:
Zulor · 01/12/2018 18:17

You're really putting the cart before the horse though. Buying invitations 11 months before the wedding? A wedding dress a year before? Measuring for suits a year before? I have never planned a wedding and I dread the thoughts of actually having to, but it's like you're on an articulated truck, ploughing down a highway!

Zulor · 01/12/2018 18:18

Well then just go ahead with the damned thing!

Zulor · 01/12/2018 18:19

What on earth is your dilemma here? You've planned a wedding, he wants to get married, you want to get married, just get married FFS.

IShitChristmasGlitter · 01/12/2018 18:19

I orignally had a big wedding planned and booked with my DH he then too freaked out a little bit as i got carried away it just wasnt what he wanted and its his day aswell not just mine. It was about the marraige ultimately in his eyes not about a party for everyone else so we did it how we BOTH wanted it and thought frick to everyone else.

We SPOKE about it and scaled the wedding back i mean right back it was down from 120 people to 25 we had a registry office ceremony then a meal all sat around one large table in a posh hotel then a magician who went around the table for some evening entertainment. It was an amazing day my DH says it was the best day of his life and the perfect way to the start of our marriage. It was perfect.

You need to communicate with him and LISTEN to what he wants too. It should be about the marraige not the wedding.

If your thinking 2 grand for it am sorry but you will be suprised how quickly it all adds up my budget was orignally 2grand it came in at just under 5 in the end.