Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 14:27

Ah. Is it possible the baby situation has changed his position on marriage?

Talk to him, @IACGMOOH. All the best Thanks

sailorcherries · 01/12/2018 14:33

So you have continually went against what your DP wants because it's your ideal wedding?
He told you he wanted to wait before this whole charade started and you booked the initial wedding. He then told you his preference around the time the second contract was signed and you refused to acknowledge that?

And it seems like you are inviting people to a meal who aren't part of the ceremony? That's just a bit odd. I've nothing against evening guests, but not inviting someone to a ceremony but then the wedding breakfast is rude.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2018 14:49

Sorry op, I'm beginning to see your fiances POV. Her handling it badly, but so have you love.

BastardGoDarkly · 01/12/2018 14:49

He's ^^

vuripadexo · 01/12/2018 14:53

oh my god

WHAT IS YOUR FLIPPING FINANCIAL STATUS??

I'm beginning to sympathize with your fiance. You don't listen at all. He could have flown a banner stating his wishes and I bet you wouldn't have understood it.

BlueUggs · 01/12/2018 14:57

Me and my partner booked and put a deposit on a big venue that was going to cost £8k+....
We then had a change of circumstance and realised losing £750 deposit was far better than putting ourselves in loads of debt.
We rearranged and spent less than £2500. I appreciate this is a different scenario but losing £750 is nothing compared to how much debt we'd have had.
I'm sorry, but he's not bothered about marrying you.
It's easy to get swept up in booking things but you need to have a really honest conversation about this because you'll lose a lot more if you go ahead and cancel at the last minute.

GladAllOver · 01/12/2018 15:01

However much you have spent already, a divorce will cost you a lot more.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 15:26

So I finally spoke to him face to face, he maintains that he does want to get married but isn't the type to get excited, to want to plan, he hates trying to figure out a guest list says it frys his head and the more it gets spoken about he hates it.
But deep down, I feel like it still isn't what he wants so will get to cancelling everything next week

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 15:31

And still doesn't like the fact it was booked despite him saying wait

OP posts:
roboticmom · 01/12/2018 15:32

This thread is long, and I haven't read everyone's posts but I couldn't believe people thought you should leave or that he didn't want to get married at all.

He sounds just like my DH! The money side of things really panics him. If it was up to him we would never make big purchases like going on holiday. Once he okays a holiday, I do all the booking and planning because he completely shuts down about the money. It sounds awful when written down but I would never put us in a position where we were badly off money-wise. I would love to see what his life would be like if I wasn't here pushing him to do interesting things! lol.

We've been together 12 years and we're still deeply in love, it's just a personality difference. Be prepared for a life time of being the 'money spender' and 'planner' in your marriage. I even told him about this thread and we had a laugh about how it sounds just like him!

sailorcherries · 01/12/2018 15:34

Would you like him booking something you said "wait" to?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 15:39

Yes I probably would sailor, if we waited to do everything when we were financially ready, we'd never do anything!
But it's not like he said it and then I booked it without him knowing. He said it last September that he'd rather wait until in a better position, by the start of January this year, we looked at venues together he signed the contract of the old venue at the end of January! he knew all about it, but still didn't chime back in with "Hey, I said let's wait did you forget that?" So in my mind, we were financially better. We take in over a grand together in monthly pay, he is more likely to take in another 500 in the next two months due to extra shifts as well.
Also our parents have offered us 200 towards the wedding probably a drip feed but hey! so to me it is doable. There's nothing left to book, apart from his suit. It's all sorted Sad

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 15:48

If you take in "over a grand together a month" then I get what he meant by waiting until you have better financial situation. Especially with you wanting much bigger do...

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 15:53

@IACGMOOH You don't need to answer this if you don't want to, but is there a chance he'd rather "save" the money from the wedding for fertility treatment, and is resenting you for pushing the price up even though he was involved in it all?

Xocaraic · 01/12/2018 16:05

As kindly as you possible, you wanted it and he is really not that into it (currently).
You can slice it anyway you like but he is being pushed into this.
Spent funds are...a casualty of this mix up. They are not a reason to marry.
You need THE talk and quickly before any more misunderstandings occur.

SachaStark · 01/12/2018 16:24

When you say you take in over a grand a month, is that before or after all your outgoings?

I think whether that's with or without outgoings will help to see whether your partner is being reasonable with his financial position concerns.

LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 16:38

The cost and the wedding planning are causing him consternation,he’s said that
I wouldn’t plough on regardless if he has misgivings.id cancel and replan
Have you had the big conversation about kids (yes or no,how many)
Nursery (y or n) Nursery (Ft or PT)
School (faith or non denomination)
School state or private
Working when kids arrive Both FT, both PT, you SAHM or him SAHD
These are things that really matter,and a discussion to be had

MortyVicar · 01/12/2018 17:04

Oh FGS!!

I feel like it still isn't what he wants so will get to cancelling everything next week

You haven't learned anything, have you OP? DO NOT cancel everything because you think it's not what he wants. Talk to him. Ask HIM what he wants instead of trying to be a mind reader.

That way you're not going to end up in a very similar situation but from the other direction.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 17:06

He wants to get married but I still don't feel like it's what he wants. What options do I honestly have left FGS

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 01/12/2018 17:09

Options
Proceeed with what’s planned,cross fingers hope it all comes together on day
Replan it an alternative way.scaled back,less planning ,less cost
Cancel.no wedding and plan for alternative date
Cancel.no wedding remain Cohabiting

MortyVicar · 01/12/2018 17:12

Your options?

TALK to him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 17:12

There's no scaling it back though, the new venue is what we want and others are just too expensive, postponing won't work as vat prices mean the venue price inflates, not exactly helping us save.
Not going ahead with it when most of these comments say not to, only option is to cancel

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 17:13

I have!!!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 17:14

I agree with @MortyVicar
Trying to "mind read" is not a base to good relationship.
Talking on the other hand...

Jux · 01/12/2018 17:15

LISTEN TO HIM. OPEN YOUR MIND AND LISTEN.

I'm beginning to feel like there's only empty space in there.