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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
53rdWay · 01/12/2018 10:40

I really doubt it’s the existence of a makeup artist that’s put him off.

You need to sit down with him and really hammer out what he actually wants. What does ‘being more financially secure’ mean to him? What would it look like in reality? Does that apply only to the wedding or to the kind of financial place he wants to be in to start off his married life? If he’s got definite ideas and wishes in mind you can work towards it as a couple along with what you want. If it’s just “I dunno, more money” after three years of being engaged then it sounds a lot more like he doesn’t actually want to get married at all.

Communication shouldn’t be all your job and he shouldn’t be going along with plans he doesn’t want while silently seething about it. But, you really need to know what he actually does want here so you’re going to have to insist on him telling you.

vuripadexo · 01/12/2018 10:49

OP you've done absolutely nothing wrong but the problem is that your posting style is extremely frustrating. The original post and follow up msgs have little in common and you are doing that thing posters do where they give tons of information that provides no actual clarity. I think it's still jumbled up for you but we aren't inside your head. The stuff you're saying doesn't really make much sense which is why people are jumping on tiny things trying to expand them.

In your OP you booked a wedding basically behind his back that is much more expensive and your fiance is unhappy. Since mumsnet is competitively stingy about weddings, this was always going to get a bad reaction.

In your follow up posts you've been engaged 3.5 years with multiple dates set. Your original wedding costs were 600 quid and now it's up to 1900 quid so still pretty cheap and less than the price of a holiday. Your fiance made every decision jointly with you.

His entire point is based on finances. He argues that you need to wait until "finances are better" to marry.

Okay.

The question of whether finances are an excuse for concern about or a legitimate problem depends on your financial position... which you haven't explained at all!

You said:

"There's not really any finanical problems, more that we don't have much money to be putting into a wedding. Which I disagree with but there you go"

I have absolutely no idea what this means. None. Seriously how are people supposed to interpret this? And this is the heart of the issue. This is his main argument. No one can know whether his fears are rational unless you give us facts we can understand.

DogInATent · 01/12/2018 10:52

Your dream wedding is not his dream wedding, but you both still want to get married. This is not uncommon, you just need to talk and listen to each other to find the compromise.

Use some imagination. The ceremony and celebration do not have to be on the same day, they do not have the same guests in attendance. It is not unusual for there to be weeks (or even months) between the two. If you bear that in mind I am sure you can find a way of both having the start to your marriage that you want.

dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2018 10:57

Exactly, Oratorio.

All this to'ing and fro'ing and drama and angst sound like such a shit way to start a marriage, and from the sounds of the FB page you are in it's no wonder the Relationships board is full of people in utterly crap relationships.

Neither one of you is very good at communicating with the other.

He's trying to show/tell you that he doesn't want to get married, all his actions seem to indicate this, but you're still chasing and grabbing on to the wedding fantasy.

That's just so sad. You can't even sit down together and truly hash this out, and you think getting married is a good idea?

dontalltalkatonce · 01/12/2018 11:00

It is not unusual for there to be weeks (or even months) between the two.

Between the wedding ceremony and celebration? Can't say I've ever encountered this with the possible exception of people who get married abroad or who elope.

IceBearRocks · 01/12/2018 11:10

I'm totally confused... you are not getting married but you are not prepared to cancel the make-up artist? What?

Desmondo2016 · 01/12/2018 11:14

Feeding 55 guests, registrar fees and all those unnecessary extras (photographer and photo booth each several hundred each) and you reckon you'll come in under 2 grand? It doesn't add up love!

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 01/12/2018 11:18

@dontalltalkatonce my legal ceremony and church/reception were months apart. Some churches and other religions do the two separately.

MerdedeBrexit · 01/12/2018 12:14

There was a year between my friends' registry office wedding in England and their church wedding in the European country they went to live in.

MrsDesireeCarthorse · 01/12/2018 12:14

Hold on. He specifically told you he did not want the registry office and why, yet you refused to change it?

If you were my fiance, I would be furious with you. Two fucking make up artists and photographer but no money for his wedding to be somewhere he actively DOES NOT LIKE?

God, I would be hurt.

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 01/12/2018 12:31

I’ll be honest and say I find your attitude very strange on here.
One minute it’s too expensive but you’ve added another couple dozen guests and a make up artist. And don’t seem to want to stop spending money as you have another 8 months to pay it off but you’ve had 3 years of engagement to both save to be in a better financial position for the wedding. Your OH didn’t like the registry office but you’ve booked it anyway.

Anyway, there’s no judgement here BUT it does not sound like you communicate clearly. That for me is as much as a concern as anything and you now, regardless of him saying he does want to still get married, have a nagging doubt about his feelings about it all.
Please go and think long and hard about whether this is really a lifetime commitment you want to make with this man. Or is it actually all just the wedding hoopla that you’ve got caught up in?

MyLearnedFriend · 01/12/2018 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sommelierrrr · 01/12/2018 12:46

Have you actually spoken to him and had a proper discussion about it yet OP?

DogInATent · 01/12/2018 13:02

@dontalltalkatonce
It's really not unusual. And from experience it's both more practical and more intimate to have a small ceremony with a few genuinely close friends, and then have a bit of a do with family later on.

If you find the gap between ceremony and celebration unusual, I suspect you'll find the idea of having no family at the ceremony mind boggling.

.
@IACGMOOH - if the pair of you really love each other, want to spend the rest of your lives together, and want to get married. Why try and recover as much of the deposits as you can, burn the rest as lost. Then elope to Gretna and just do it?

Zulor · 01/12/2018 13:07

Well you'd want to be Mystic Meg to interpret what the OP is saying.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 13:09

He won't do Gretna green as he wants his nan to be there.
It didn't make sense to me to move the ceremony, yes I know that i got in an extra make up artist but 3 of those are paying for their own makeup so it's not really an extra cost for me, but an extra person is needed to get everyone ready on time

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 13:10

And there's only been one cancelled date, I don't know where you've interrupted the handful of cancelled dates from Hmm

OP posts:
Flobalob · 01/12/2018 13:38

This isn't about the money sad to say. If he really wanted to get married then nothing would get in his way.

I think you need to read the book "He's just not that in to you". I'm really sorry but I would be seriously consider whether you're wasting your life on this guy. You deserve better than this

OftenHangry · 01/12/2018 13:56

I think many are being very unfair to DH2b... I think he tried to please OP and it got too much.

He has clearly stated his position and that doesn't mean he doesn't want to get married. I wouldn't be happy if I wanted to wait a few months and wanted a small intimate wedding, not in a registry office and got an expensive one in the registry office.

I am sorry OP, but you are indeed pushing. And pushing, as you yourself said "but the wedding we have planned or I planned is actually my ideal wedding." and that's where the problem is. It's your personal ideal wedding, far, FAR away from his. There ought to be a compromise. That's how partnerships work.

I am honestly not surprised that he is worried about money because this will spiral out of control, kind of has already, and after the wedding, it will be a baby (though I hope that will be actually planned by both of you, not just one), it will be a new piece of furniture etc.

He wants to get married, but I understand why he is not happy.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 14:02

The registry office was booked, it was only in July he said he wanted to change it, he didn't want it there, not making excuses but replying to you. There was 30 guests for the ceremony so not exactly intimate, with 20 joining us for the buffet. The ceremony is still the same. It's the evening that's changed

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 14:04

And yes we want a baby after we get married, Although don't think it's going to be possible (part of the reason why it's been such a long engagement)

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 14:05

Sorry I meant there will be extras joining us for the evening meal now, not the buffet sorry

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 01/12/2018 14:10

I mean this kindly OP but don't complicate this thread further with baby information.

Jux · 01/12/2018 14:11

I think he said what he wanted and you ignored him, but he's going along with it anyway, had a moan at his brother and it's got back to you.

You need to talk this through with him. He needs to remember that he needs to be clearer about things in future or he could find himself being ridden over again (which is, i think, what has happened).

You are going to be very careful in the future to actually hear what he says and take it seriously, or he'll end up feeling manipulated or forced).

Anyway, good luck with your talk, the wedding and everything.

TruffleShuffles · 01/12/2018 14:19

I presume you’ve only paid the deposit for the registry office? You mentioned you still haven’t applied for your marriage license yet so you haven’t paid for any of that so why couldn’t you have cancelled the venue if you knew your DP was so against it? I’m sure the deposit was only £50 when we booked ours. I can imagine your DP has become resentful over the whole thing to be honest when the only thing he seems to have asked for he hasn’t got, you have said yourself this wedding is everything you want but unfortunately that’s not how things work in a partnership.

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