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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

H2b no longer wants to get married

507 replies

IACGMOOH · 30/11/2018 16:01

Whirlwind of emotions here so be kind.
Back in January we had a registry office and reception venue booked, whole thing was going to be no more than £600 but the reception venue done us over and we had no choice but to cancel it. Before I had booked this though, h2b did say he'd rather wait until we were in a better financial position. We lightly discussed it but I went ahead and booked it Blush
In may, we found a new venue. The contract wasn't signed until July however, due to get married in October and now it's come out that h2b is in a bad strop about the whole thing, doesn't want to do it as it's too expensive, doesn't want to take any interest in it and I'm just so sad.
I feel like I've pushed him into something he didn't want Sad aibu? I don't know what to do now!

OP posts:
Biologifemini · 01/12/2018 08:32

If you have financial problems then having a wedding like this is totally unnecessary.

I would cut your losses as he message sounds like he wants out. Either due to the cost or the marriage.

I find weddings to be, in general, totally unnecessary, so he might be coming from that point of view.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:35

I'd feel quite sad tbh, I know the registry office is the most important part but I want a wee party afterwards to celebrate. He didn't even want the registry office! He wanted to do it all in the one venue as the registry office is "tacky" and is where his mum got married and she hated it as she said it didn't feel special enough but I said no to changing it because it was already part paid for

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:37

There's not really any finanical problems, more that we don't have much money to be putting into a wedding. Which I disagree with but there you go

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 01/12/2018 08:41

So you’ve got money to spend on totally unnecessary invitations...

But no money to spend on moving the ceremony to a place that he likes, when he specifically didn’t want the registry office?

I’m not surprised he’s not engaged with the planning.

Why would you prefer to invite 35 more people that you originally were happy not to, than spend the money on the ceremony he wants?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:47

Because moving the ceremony is an extra 500 pounds

OP posts:
Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 08:47

Because we needed to invite more people to get the venue

OP posts:
barbarabarnacle · 01/12/2018 08:55

It seems to me that he doesn't have such a problem with the wedding, or getting married - it's just about the money! Is it possible he's under financial pressure you're not aware of?

ShadyLady53 · 01/12/2018 08:59

Why is everyone ripping the OP to shreds for having a makeup artist FFS?!?!

Such a Mumsnet attitude.

She’s only paying to get her own makeup done, doesn’t wear makeup but wants to wear it on the day so would have to purchase some if she wasn’t having a MUA.

No it’s not s necessity but, seriously, what’s the actual big deal? She doesn’t deserve the vitriol imo.

Op, you don’t sound like a Bridezilla and this is clearly not a huge, out of control wedding.

You H2B, sorry to say, sounds like a bit of a knob. Sounds to me like he’s not really thought things through and been active in the planning, made it look like he’s happy for you to sort things and then turned around and had a massive strop and started trying to throw his weight around acting like he will cancel the whole thing. The only thing I agree with him about is the Registry Office. Is there definitely no way of changing this? Couldn’t the registrar and officiant perform the ceremony at the venue?

Missingstreetlife · 01/12/2018 09:06

The money is nothing compared to happiness or misery for the rest of your life. Divorce is not cheap either.
Cancel the wedding, go to relate or finish the relationship.
In two years this will all be of no consequence, you will either be married or with someone who can make up their mind. Good luck

ReflectentMonatomism · 01/12/2018 09:08

Because we needed to invite more people to get the venue

Then the venue is too big for your budget. The end.

More than doubling the size of the wedding to fit one particular venue is just throwing money around. You can always find a venue to suit your numbers. Fifty five people for a three course meal is not a "wee party". It's spending two grand, at a guess.

ReflectentMonatomism · 01/12/2018 09:09

He didn't even want the registry office! He wanted to do it all in the one venue as the registry office is "tacky"

Sounds a fantastic start to a marriage: a venue he doesn't want for a wedding he thinks is too expensive.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 09:10

Nope its well under 2 grand.

OP posts:
Coronapop · 01/12/2018 09:13

It sounds as though you are more focused on the wedding than on the marriage, which doesn't bode well for the future, in my limited experience. Much better to be planning for your future life together, not one event.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 09:14

We looked at 7 other ones and they were almost 5k more expensive. Like I said it was never a rash decision

OP posts:
seventhgonickname · 01/12/2018 09:15

I would ditch the makeup artist.You say you don't normally wear makeup so if you make to the alter you want to look like you because that is who your fiancée is in love with.I have been to too many weddings where the bride is almost unrecognisable behind a mask of makeup.

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 09:18

Well no I'm not ditching the make up artist, not with our mum's having their make up done as it is.
I realise I am making this sound all about me, but like I said we did visit other venues to try and source out a cheaper option, the new venue has knocked a hundred quid off the price as it is, to change the ceremony would be 311 pounds for a registrar to come to the new venue and then a further 200 for the venue to host it. Seems crazy to change it given he is all about not spending more than we need to 🤔

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 01/12/2018 09:31

Honestly I'm not being funny, how old are you both op?

Original poster
IACGMOOH · 01/12/2018 09:32

27

OP posts:
Thankyounext · 01/12/2018 10:00

I don’t get why so many pps are focusing on the make up. I’m sure that’s nothing to do with why op’s partner is unhappy about the wedding.

TimeWoundsAllHeals · 01/12/2018 10:15

Why not ask him if he’s up for getting married ASAP at the registration office - no ceremony (when I did it we were only allowed the witnesses in the room - so 2 people). Then agree to have the party at a later date to celebrate the marriage when you are in a better financial position.

If he heaves a giant sigh of relief you’ll know he wants to marry you and it’s just the party putting him off. If he tries to um and ah about why that’s an awful idea you have to consider he’s just stalling.

Honestlyofficer · 01/12/2018 10:17

I'm anxious just listening to the litany of booking and rebooking and expanding, and choosing.

Do you want "the wedding" or do you want to be married to him. They are 2 different things.

I wanted to be married but couldn't face the whole wedding thing, so my DH booked a registrar and a restaurant on a weekend we were going away with 6 friends, in the town we were staying, and we had a surprise wedding.. and it was fabulous!

Talk to your fiance and find out what he wants, once you have decided if it's the wedding or the man.

Oratorio · 01/12/2018 10:19

It sounds like you’ve just run with this, doubling the size and cost of the wedding you had planned, because it’s what you want. It’s not what he wants, and it’s his day as much as yours. Shame he’s only telling you that now. There’s a real lack of communication between you which is really worrying, and makes me wonder what other important conversations about your shared future you might not have had.

Xenia · 01/12/2018 10:21

It sounds complicated. We had a church wedding with 30 guests and I did not wear make up and it was lovely. We did have a sit down meal afterwards. You and he need to agree what kind of wedding you both want. Even a church wedding does not have to cost much at all - in fact if you are really poor the priest won't even charge you anything - it's free.

ReflectentMonatomism · 01/12/2018 10:23

Seems crazy to change it given he is all about not spending more than we need to

But adding 35 guests is entirely sensible, apparently. Hmm

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/12/2018 10:34

How are you feeling about it', @IACGMOOH?

I'm glad you've talked. If the wedding is in October next year; you have time to drop the subject for a bit and see if this calms down and you'll be able to go ahead and be sure that he wants to and he isn't just doing it because you both hate wasting money - but again; that seems like it might be quite a big compromise on your part if you've enjoyed planning and arranging it.

Will he be home today to talk face to face?