I've bought my in-laws zilch. AIBU?

[Guiltfestival]

I've just finished my Christmas cards and shopping. All my family have been bought for. All my friends and relatives have nice cards. I've baked for some of them. I've done absolutely nothing for my DH's family which make up PIL and adult, single siblings.

The reason I have said to my DH that I am not doing it anymore is because a little while ago my MIL was very disrespectful to me. FIL and his siblings follow her lead.I don't want to out myself so won't go into it but even my DH is really annoyed with her and pulled her up on it.

I told him to deal with his own family from now on. This means that they won't get nice cards on time, flowers on visits and presents on special occasions. We have to spend time with them over Christmas but if he doesn't get them anything I am going to feel awkward because they will buy our DC something. What I want is not to care but despite them obviously not giving two shiny ones about me, I have standards myself.

AIBU? How can I sit there and watch them open nothing and look massively disappointed or annoyed, even though they have never put themselves out for me even before DC.

I know I am coming across as a complete pushover. Honestly, if you knew me you would be really surprised. Someone once described me as the most assertive person they have ever met! I just find it hard with his family. I have no hesitation pulling my own family up on stuff.

His family, he does their presents - if they have nothing to open, point that out

i would say leave him to get them but they still might blame you. Hard to judge if YABU without the back story

I’ve never bought a thing for my in laws in twenty five years, DH is perfectly capable of doing so if he wishes. Let him get on with it.

I don’t get on with my ILs. However, I love my DH and so I suck it up and be the better person and make sure that I don’t kill myself and go overboard but just make sure there is something or thought given to them.

Just make it very clear to your DH that if he wants his parents to have presents to open when you visit at Christmas then he needs to take responsibility to buy and wrap the gifts because you don't intend to take any responsibility for any awkwardness that ensues if he doesn't.

You mentioned your in-laws buy your DC something. Do they buy anything for you or DH? If they don't then it sounds like you have a "gifts for children only" get out clause.

I leave DH to buy gifts for his side of the family but he generally does, or at least he is the one to say "Sorry, I didn't get you anything".
I think it's perfectly fine for DH to do this unless you have a situation where you have masses more free time than he does (he works 90 hours a week and you're a SAHM to school age children, for example) in which case it would be a bit mean not to pick up jobs like this.

I don’t understand all this ‘my family, his family’. Surely when you marry the two merge together.
Just treat everyone the same

I think it might help more if you view it as not wanting your husband to fail/feel bad at his new responsibility. Yes, possibly he should have been doing it from the beginning, but he wasn't, so it's too late now. At work you'd leave a little note or offer training for someone else taking on an element of your job.
You might not respect your PIL. But it would be nice all round to remind your DH what needs doing, or share a bit of insider knowledge - "BIL liked X a lot last year." "I usually spend £X".
It's not infantilising or sexist, it's supportive and kind and I hope my DH would do the same if I started doing something only he does normally.

I haven't this year for the same reason.

My MIL has been a complete cow and I don't see why I should spend my hard earned money on her when she treats me like crap!

Even if you got on brilliantly with them and there was no back story, even if you are a SAHM and DH works full time, YANBU to ask your DH to sort out the presents for his side of the family. But given the rudeness and the fact you've put DH on notice that it's his job from now on, YADNBU. The most I would advise you to do is remind DH that you won't be doing it.

I love buying gifts but this year I’m not buying for my in-laws.

Usually I go to all the effort of choosing and wrapping lovely presents only for MiL to give me some inappropriate, obviously regifted piece of tat.

My husband can deal with her

Why bother seeing them if they've been disrespectful?

Fuck I think we need to get FIL something

I don’t understand all this ‘my family, his family’. Surely when you marry the two merge together.
Just treat everyone the same

It isn’t a matter of only buying for ‘my’ family, more that there’s a lot of presents to buy and it’s easier to divide up the responsibilities this way, rather than it being the default that I do it all.

All this obligatory buying other adults presents is so tedious. We decided years ago.. Presents for the children only. No more faff and fake gratitude.

It can actually be lovely exchanging gifts with other adults. We very much enjoy it with most of our relatives

I don’t understand all this ‘my family, his family’

Me neither. Does that mean I should only buy DS something and nothing for DIL?

I love buying for adults.
Lots of swirly ribbon and hamper boxes,little personal gifts for the ladies etc etc.
This year tight arse Gil has said he's not doing gifts or money for the adults so dh has decided that means they won't be receiving either. I'm sad because dmil is lovely and helps with our dc so I've still put her some lovely bits together. She's also sad that she can't buy little bits either or gifts because controlling fil says no.

So I'm doing a lovely hamper of girl things for mil from us and fil can whistle.

He doesn't he bring an obligatory bottle of anything when they pop round on Xmas day 🙄

I like my in laws but when we got married I made it very clear to DH that his family are his responsibility when it comes to arranging visits and gifts. So as he’s so crap we see my family more and they get lovely gifts whereas his family generally don’t. I don’t let it bother me but I think they miss out.

I've bought for all the kids on DH side, but nothing for the adults, told him if he want things either figirw out whay to buy and let me know, or buy it himself. He's generally really good with things, but we have a newborn and are ready dealing with packing everything up to fly to visit them so yeah, I'll see how this pans out I guess!

YANBU. I tried for thirty years to be kind to my mil but her behaviour towards me just got worse and worse. In the end the relationship is between your husband and his mother (and family). I encouraged and supported DH (he found it difficult) but to be honest, life's too short.

Why wont he buy them something

No yanbu. I let my dh get presents for his side of the family and I get presents for mine. The money comes from a joint account so they are from us as a family but I would never physically buy presents for them, it’s his responsibility

YANBU, I've done this with my DH, he buys for his side and I buy for mine. I'm not particularly bothered if they do blame me when forgets or leaves it till the last minute and buys something generic, they should probably have raised him to be more thoughtful then it wouldn't be an issue.

Sound perfectly reasonable. Do they put thought into your gifts?
Have an emergency box of biscuit at the ready and if it feels awkward the this will do.
I always get MIL something and she is open about her dislike for me! I often wonder how she would feel if she never had gifts or cards or had them 3 weeks later of DH was in charge of it all!!